*usual copyright disclaimer: CHANT: Characters are not mine, um-lalalalala*** they are property of MTV - um, lalalalala*** this story is meant to work into the story arc left from Is It Fall Yet and Season 4 of Daria -- all inspiration is attributed to the script writers at MTV***um, lalalalala******anyone who uses this piece without my permission will find out really quick if hexes work**um, lalalalala*****etc. Bait and Switch by Medea42 Act I: Scene I: [Ms. Li's office. Daria and Kevin are seated across from her. Both Daria and Kevin are looking extremely unhappy]. Ms. Li: I just received notice that our local Masher's Club wants to honor Lawndale High for outstanding academics and athletics. Since you, Kevin, are our record setting quarterback and you, Daria, are the first person to maintain a 4.0 at Lawndale High in ten years, we want you to attend this event together. Daria: Why can't Mack and Jodie go to this? Ms. Li: Mack and Jodie are needed to represent us at the Optimist's Club. I will need you both in formal attire, and I will want you both on your best behavior. This meeting is at Chez Pierre, and I need you to put on the impression you're dating -- Kevin: I wouldn't date Daria, Ms. Li! My girlfriend is Brittany! Daria: As much as association with Kevin just THRILLS me, I have ethical AND personal issues with letting anyone I know think that I would actually date Kevin. Ms. Li: Nonsense, both of you! For just one night, you will give the impression that you are a couple, after all, it's my pleasure to hook two nice young people together if it involves a kickback - I mean, publicity - for Lawndale High. The attendance of both of you is essential. Daria: I can always ask my mother's opinion about this - Ms. Li: I think her opinion will be that it's wonderful the Masher's Club is presenting you with a $2,000 scholarship, Ms. Morgendorffer. That scholarship depends on an obvious, symbiotic relationship between academics and athletics. Kevin: Ew! I don't want to think I'm that way with Daria - she's not even hot! Ms. Li: Mr. Thompson, I believe that a Mr. Sebfenn is a recognized member of the Masher's Club - Kevin: The guy who owns the Pigskin channel? Ms. Li: One and the same. Attending this ceremony with Ms. Morgendorffer would provide you an opportunity to meet this gentleman, and his connections could find you a great place to play football. Kevin: Cool! Daria: While the money and your kickbacks - Ms. Li: just publicity, Daria, I didn't say kickbacks - Daria: your PUBLICITY are harmless enough, I still don't see why this requires that Kevin and I pretend we're dating. Ms. Li: What better way to embody the co-existence of academics and athletics than through two fine young people from our school? Daria: but - Ms. Li: Just DO it, Morgendorffer. Or FACE the consequences. Kevin: When do I get to meet the Pigskin channel guy? And do I get paid to take Daria out? Ms. Li: You will be paid when you receive your diploma, Kevin. Kevin: Awright!!!! [Daria smacks her hand to her forehead and holds it there]. Act I: Scene 2: [Jane is standing at lockers, as Daria arrives]. Jane: So what did Ms. Li want today? Daria: She asked me to prostitute myself for the glory of Lawndale High. Jane: So when do you receive your stilettos and feather boa? Daria: Next Thursday. If I fake a date with Kevin for a community organization, I get a $2000 scholarship. Jane: Wo. You should have held out for another zero. [enter Brittany, marching.] Brittany: Daria, I want to talk to you right now! Daria: Kevin told you. Brittany: Yes, and I want to discuss this with you [sees Jane] in PRIVATE! Jane: Oh, I'm not really here. You just think you're seeing me because you always see me with Daria. Brittany: [blinks] I do. Jane: yup. Ask Daria -- it's a brain thing. Daria: Um, yeah, she's right. [VO: for those who have a brain]. Everyone is so used to seeing Jane around me that when she's not here, people think she's here anyway. Brittany: [twirling hair] But if that's true, why can YOU hear her? Daria: Because I'm so used to Jane being around, I hallucinate her, too. Brittany: Um, OK. [remembers to be mad] Why are you stealing my Kevvy!? Daria: I'm not stealing Kevin. Ms. Li is MAKING us attend a Masher's meeting. I promise when I'm done, I'll give him back in as good or better condition than he was in the first place. Brittany: sure, that's what you say. But how do I know I can trust you? Daria: Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me before? Brittany: I'd still feel better if I had some kind of guarantee. [brightens]. I know! Since you're going out with MY boyfriend, I should go out with YOUR boyfriend. Daria: I don't think Tom would - Brittany: Now Daria, no fair keeping all the boys to yourself! [Jane starts laughing so hard she has to sit down on the floor]. Brittany: [staring over at Jane]. Do hallucinations always do that? Act I: Scene 3: [Sloane living room. Daria and Tom are sitting on the couch, watching TV]. OS: Megaphones and mayhem! When cheerleaders attack, next on Sick, Sad World! [Daria clicks off TV]. Daria: Speaking of cheerleaders... Tom: You finally found a way to donate them all to science without their parents noticing? Daria: No, I decided to move the project back to picking their parents. And having them sterilized. [beat] I need you to go on a date with one. Tom: a cheerleader's parent? Daria: No, a cheerleader. Tom: Daria, did you just say you want me to go on a date with a cheerleader? Daria: [miserably] Yes. Tom: You, Daria Morgendorffer, the anti-cheer of our generation, not to mention my girlfriend, desire that I, Tom Sloane, he who hates perky women, go on a date with a cheerleader. Daria: You're catching on. Tom: Does anything look wrong with this picture to you? Daria: It needs a hint of "sure honey, anything to help out!" Tom: Before I say no, no, and hell no, out of morbid curiosity I want to know why. Daria: Because I'm being forced on a charade date with said cheerleader's boyfriend so I can get a scholarship, and she wants collateral, namely you. Tom: I feel like such an...object. [pause] In a way, I'm kind of flattered. Daria: So, will you? Tom: Give me a good reason. [Daria kisses Tom] Tom: Well, it's a start. [Daria blushes]. [fade out. Pre-commercial to pan of Jane sliding to the floor, laughing]. COMMERCIAL BREAK. LOTS OF STUFF YOU DON'T NEED, AND REASONS YOU NEED IT. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION IN COGNITIVE DISSONANCE. Act 2: Scene 1: [Morgendorffer house. Doorbell rings, Jake answers the door. Kevin is standing there, dressed in the high-water suit he wore in "It Happened One Nut".] Jake: Daria! Your date is here! [Looks at Kevin]. Tom, are you feeling OK? You look a little different tonight - Kevin: [laughing] No Mr. M, it's me, Kevin! Daria's brothers my girlfriend's date tonight. Jake: Tom is a brother? He's part of that cult? My little girl - [Enter Helen, phone in hand] Helen: No Jake, I think Kevin's just confused about Daria's boyfriend. Kevin is escorting her to that awards dinner tonight. You remember Kevin, Jake - he worked with Daria on that science project. [phone rings] Helen: Oh, HI Eric - Jake: Oh, yeah. [brightens]. Kevin, my man, come and watch the Pigskin channel with me! [both sit down, Jake clicks on television] [Enter Daria wearing a red strapless dress, and her hair is up. The dress is similar to the green version she wore from her Trent fantasy in "Lane Miserables". Stands behind Kevin and Jake]. Daria: Excuse me. Kevin: Not right now, babe. Pigskin channel. [Daria walks around and stands in front of Kevin and Jake.] Daria: The meeting starts in ten minutes. Kevin: Just a sec, babe - [Daria smacks Kevin over his head with her purse. Jake is still enthralled with the game. ] Kevin: OW!!!! [Daria grabs remote and turns off TV]. Jake: Hey! Daria: [towering over Kevin] Do not EVER call me babe. My name is Daria. You KNOW my name is Daria. And I am NOT going to wait around while you watch big guys chasing other big guys. I don't want to do this, I don't want to be going anywhere with you, and if you do ONE thing to piss me off, I will see to it that Brittany makes you extra miserable. Now - [grabs Kevin by the ear] let's GO, Kevin. [VO: Thank you, Ms. Barch] Kevin: Wow Daria, you look hot. You actually look like your sisters with Quinn. [Jake smacks him]. Jake: That's my daughter you're talking to! Kevin: Sorry, Mr. M! Act 2: Scene 3: [Kevin and Daria are seated at a table at Chez Pierre. They are facing a long table at the front of the room, where several business types are giving a speech.] Business Man 1: and it is with great pleasure that we have with us two distinguished high school students, whose accomplishments in academics and sports... Kevin: [sotto voce] Daria, do you want to go out after this? You look like so hot, I think it would be great for you to be seen with me - Daria: shut up Kevin. Kevin: C'mon Daria [tries to put his arm around her] We Do have to pretend we're a couple [shot under table. Daria stamps on his foot] Kevin: You need to work on your skills playing footsie [Daria groans and slumps a little. Under table, Kevin tries putting his hand on her thigh. Daria grabs a fork and jabs him] Kevin: Ow! [Business Man stops. All are staring at Daria and Kevin.] Daria: He dropped his for and hit his hand. He'll still be able to play tomorrow. Business Man: As I was saying - the relationship between academics and athletics is crucial to community development. With smart, disciplined young adults, we are assured of the future of Lawndale. I would like to introduce for the evening our guests, Ms. Daria Morgendorffer and Mr. Kevin Thompson, two well-known contributors to the reputation of Lawndale High School. Will this fine young couple come up here for a moment. [Daria and Kevin stand up and walk to the podium. Kevin takes Daria's hand, and she holds it far away from herself]. Business Man: Here at the Mashers, we admire the positive co-existence of academics and sports. That this symbiosis continues to express itself in such a positive and romantic way [winks at Kevin, who smiles and gives him a thumbs-up] is a delight to myself and to all the members of our organization. [pause] We would like to present you, Ms. Morgendorffer ,with a $2000 scholarship for your outstanding academic reputation. Kindly say a few words about managing your academic outlook and an athletic boyfriend. Daria: [disentangles hand from Kevin's]. VO: Dammit, it's $2,000. It's not that much, but it might rescue me from a summer job. [beat] Oh the wonders of selling out. Aw hell. Damn values. Daria: Thank you, gentlemen of the Masher's club, for this honorarium. It really makes up for the complete lack of female membership and the token that I must attach myself to an idiotic football player who I would rather die than ever date in my life. Your organization has done MUCH to promote the advancement of academics, and I see no prejudice based on gender here at all. Business Man: Ms. Morgendorffer? What are you saying? Daria: I'm saying that my boyfriend is not here, and probably very grateful for that. I'm also saying that this award is total bull, and I guess I'll just work this summer anyway. [walks out]. Kevin: [just catches on]. Hey! Act 2: Scene 4: [Tom and Brittany are at a play. Curtain closes]. Brittany: I love plays. They're like movies, but different. Tom: Plays were the basis for movies, Brittany. Brittany: [twirling hair] really? Tom: Indeed. Brittany: [looks around] Why is everyone getting up? Is the play over? I want to find out what happens next - Tom: It's inter - [VO: who knows what she'll think that word means. She already misunderstood xenophobic, and now I'll never see Lucy Lawless the same way again. Daria said keep it to three syllables]. It's a break so the actors can set the scene for the next part of the play. The audience can go fix their hair and makeup during this time. Brittany: Oh! How nice! I think I'll do that! [stands up and leaves]. [Trent appears behind Tom. He's dressed entirely in black and wearing a headset]. Trent: Hey Tom! Tom: [jumps] Trent! Hi! What are you doing here? Trent: I make a little money operating the sound board for these shows. Tom: Does that cut into your time with Spiral? Trent: Nah, the plays end early enough that I can still make my gigs at night. Besides, I'm always late. Tom: I didn't know you were interested in theater. That's very cool. Trent: Just behind the scenes, man. Acting is not for me. [awkward pause] So, uh, how's Daria? Tom: Oh, she's fine. [awkward pause] How's Jane? Trent: She's fine. Tom: OK. [Brittany enters]. Brittany: There you are, Tom! Sits next to him, takes his arm. [sees Trent] Hi! Aren't you Jane's brother? Trent: [eyes wide] Wo! [looks at Tom] I didn't know you broke up with Daria - [his headset buzzes. a voice comes over: Everybody, places!] Gotta go! [Tom opens mouth, but Trent takes off]. Brittany: You broke up with Daria? [brightens] I guess you got tired of her braininess [tries to kiss Tom] Tom: [holds her off] It's not like that, Brittany. [Second act begins. Brittany tries to rest her head on Tom's shoulder. Tom looks miserable]. [Scene fades, pan to Daria dragging Kevin out by the ear]. COMMERCIAL BREAK. THANK YOU FOR PARTICIPATING IN COGNITIVE DISSONANCE, CHECK YOUR BRAINS AND YOUR CREDIT CARDS AT THE DOOR. Act 3: Scene 1: [Daria is at Pizza King, still in her red dress. Jane is sitting across the table from her]. Jane: Crazy night. You didn't even collect your $2000 and pass go. Daria: I couldn't do it. I left Kevin there, drooling on himself and I will face down Ms. Li tomorrow. Jane: [shakes head] ah, Daria. You can have money or integrity...or integrity when you have the money to afford it. Daria: More wisdom from the art colony? Jane: Wise isn't what I would call that. Maybe you're overexposed to the Sloanes. They can afford integrity. Daria: Yeah, they keep it in the back of the fridge. [Enter Trent, still in black clothing. No headset]. Trent: Mind if I join you guys? Jane: Join away, oh joiner you! [Trent sits next to Daria]. Trent: Hey Daria! Nice outfit. [places hand on her shoulder] Sorry about Tom, he's a jerk to dump you, too - [Daria shrugs Trent's hand off] Daria: What are you talking about? Trent: I Just saw him with that blonde girl Jane had over once. I think she's a cheerleader or something. After dating fine women like you and Jane, you'd think - Daria: Brittany? I know he's with Brittany. Trent: You do? And you're not upset? Daria: I appreciate your concern, Trent, but it's simply a matter of collateral. Trent: huh? Daria: I was forced to go out with Kevin tonight, and Brittany insisted that I leave Tom with her as an exchange. Jane: It's Daria's birthday present to me. One night of sheer hell for Tom. Best gift ever! Trent: huh? Daria: Oh, come on Trent, it's just a stupid boyfriend. They're interchangeable, and according to the Quinn theory of economics, I should be able to trade Tom in for a sporty little VW bug any day now. [Trent looks horrified, then the wheels start turning]. Trent: [laugh/cough] Funny, Daria. You really had me going. Jane: A hunk for a clunker. Not a bad theory [Tom enters, with Brittany still hanging on him. All three at the table see them and observe] Tom: For the last time, Brittany, I don't like you that way! Brittany: but I'm blonde! and bubbly! Besides, Kevvy is out with Daria, and I'm sure she'd do the same with MY boyfriend -- Daria: should I rescue him? Jane: I want to see him suffer Daria: Tempting, but he is my boyfriend. after all, he's spent at least 3 hours with Brittany by now. Jane: Oh, I guess he's suffered enough. Daria: [raises voice] Brittany, I wouldn't touch your boyfriend unless I had leprosy. Brittany: [jumps] Oh! Daria, I didn't see you there. [immediately takes her hands off Tom] We were just - [Tom disengages] [Brittany notices table.] Brittany: [angry] Where's Kevvy? Daria: I dumped his body in an alley on Dega Street. He's probably still there. Jane: If someone didn't see a spare quarterback sitting out with the trash and try to take him home, that is. [Trent smirks]. Trent: Hi Tom Tom: Hello again, Trent. Mind if I join my lady love? [Trent gets out of booth, goes over to Jane's side] Trent: Be my guest. Brittany: But I'M your date tonight, it's not over yet! We agreed, until midnight, right Daria? Jane: Brittany, since Daria didn't get the full time with Kevin, is it really fair that you're demanding extra time with Tom? Brittany: [twirling hair] I guess not. [pause] are you actually here? Jane: No, I'm hallucination Jane. That's why you can understand me perfectly. Brittany: oh. Jane: now wouldn't it be fair that Daria spends at least another two hours with Kevin? Brittany: you're right. I'm sorry, Daria. [Daria and Tom both glare at Jane]. Tom: I have a better idea. Act 3: Scene 2: [cut to movie theater; Jane and Kevin are sitting towards the front, Trent and Brittany are sitting toward the back. Jane and Trent respectively are both elbowing off the advances of Kevin and Brittany]. Kevin: but babe! Jane: If you call me babe one more time, I'll stick paint in your eye! I carry some right here! [threatens him with a tube]. [Kevin sinks into his chair]. Brittany: but Trentie! Trent: call me that again and I'll make you listen to more of my music. [Brittany sinks into her chair]. [close to alter egoes].