Attack of the Fifty Foot Butt
By Bobby Birks

NOTE: This would be more suitable as a Halloween episode, where you can change everything and send them on to the next show with no changes.

ALSO NOTE: This story in no way shows the purpose or ideals/ideas of the makers of Daria. Simply the ideals of the author.

ALSO ALSO NOTE: This story has nothing to do with The X-files, etc, etc.

Opening scene, Daria's bedroom. She is on the phone. Split screen diagonally to show Jane as well.

Jane: Hi.

Daria: Hi. Do you remember what I told you about Highland?

Jane: All you ever mentioned was the uranium in the water.

Daria: I just thought I'd tell you something to make you feel happier about living here with mild idiots.

Jane: Oh, I'd say Brittany and Kevin are anything but mild.

Daria: Then get ready for a rough ride. I've actually seen worse.

Jane: Doesn't that break a scientific law of some sort?

Daria: Probably. <pause> There were these two boys.

Jane: Names?

Daria: Beavis and Butt-head.

Jane: Beavis? As in smelly hair?

Daria: What?

Jane: It's a German name. It means smelly hair.

Daria: Never mind. Why don't you take a guess about their stupidity level to get us started.

Jane: O.K. Did they ever injure themselves?

Daria: Beavis is a pyromaniac, has gotten his finger cut off in wood shop, and almost bled to death from a broken nose. Butt-head wasn't as bad, but he got hurt too.

Jane: Wow! Didn't they try to call an ambulance about the nose?

Daria: Who knows.

Jane: Any other examples?

Daria: They were stranded on a plastic island in the center of a pool of shallow water in the mall...for days.

Jane: You're lying.

Daria: I have pictures.

MEANWHILE, the "dynamic" duo sit silently in their crime lab...

Cut to: Beavis and Butt-head sleeping on their couch.

Butt-head awakes: Whoa! Hey buttknocker wake up! <smacks Beavis>

Beavis: Ahhhh! Hey, heh, mph, heh. What did you do that for, bunghole!

Butt-head: Huh, huh, huh. Um. I just got a cool idea.

Beavis: Mph, heh, heh. <Bites lip and thinks> What?

Butt-head: Lets like, uh, huh, huh, do an `spearment.

Beavis: Mmmm. O.K. <pause> On what? Heh, heh, mph.

Butt-head: Uh, huh, huh. Like, on us.

Beavis: Ahhh! Damnit fartknocker. <kicks him in the nads> You're not gonna `spearment on me.

Butt-head: <groaning> Beavis, you wuss. Uh, huh, huh, um. I mean we could make us grow huge, and like, then Todd would let us join his gang!

Beavis: Mph, heh, oh yeah. Heh, heh, mph, heh, heh.

Cut to: Isolated cabin on top of a hill.

Cut to: Internal view.

Beavis and Butt-Head are mixing together smoking fluids from beakers. Soda cans and chocolate syrup bottles lay scattered about.

Butt-head: <picking up beaker> This is going to be the coolest thing in my life. <drinks>

Beavis: Hey asswipe! Gimme that! <drinks> Ahhh. Mph, heh, heh, heh, heh, mph, heh. <both pause, silently> Damnit Butt-head, this isn't working.

Butt-head: Damnit Beavis, it like needs time. <smacks him onto the ground with an enormous hand> Whoa! <stares wide-eyed at his hand>

Beavis: <looking at his crotch> <pause> Um, Butt-head.

I don't think its working.

Cut to: Basement of Jane's house. Trent and Jesse play guitars while Daria and Jane watch while sitting on a wooden box. Trent and Jesse are just now finishing.

Trent: Soul woman...

Remaining guitar noise quiets down.

Jesse: Well?

Jane: Um... outstanding?

Daria: Riveting.

Jane: Cool.

Daria: Perfect.

Jane: Bye now.

Both get up to leave. Trent calls after them.

Trent: Hey. I forgot to tell you something.

Daria and Jane turn around.

Jane: Yes?

Jesse: We got a gig at Lawndale's new coffee house. We go this weekend.

Daria: Didn't they close it down?

Trent: They reopened it. But they look at everyone's material before they perform now.

Jane: I suppose you're going to invite us.

Trent: Way ahead of me, Janey. So?

Jane: If Daria-

Daria: We're going.

Jane: <surprised> Excuse us for just a second.

They walk off into a corner and music starts up again.

Jane: You seem excited.

Daria: I need to get out of my house this weekend. My mother thinks it's time to renew our family relationship.

Jane: Uh oh.

Daria: I know.

Jane: What about Quinn?

Daria: I know she'll find a way out of it.

Jane: I mean, how are you going to make sure she stays?

Daria: Good point, but my parents, at least my mom, wouldn't let her miss out on this with a simple date.

Jane: Do you ever feel sorry for doing things like this?

Daria: Only when they backfire.

Cut to commercial after showing slow motion of Butt-head's enormous hand smacking Beavis. Cut to Beavis and Butt-head, now ten stories tall, walking through a large city while smashing buildings. Beavis looks at a woman through a window.

Beavis: Mph, heh. Hey, mph, how's it goin'?

They walk past. Butt-head sees a little girl with a lollipop looking up at him. He picks her up and grabs her candy.

Butt-head: I stole candy from a baby. Huh, huh.

<drops her, puts the entire small lollipop in his mouth>

Beavis: Heh, heh, heh, mph, heh. Hey there little girl. <She spits on his shoe> <in rage> Mmmmm, damnit! <steps on her and grinds his shoe>

Butt-head: <rips sign from the ground> Uh, huh, huh, huh. Hey Beavis, huh. Look at this.

Beavis: <now stomping hard on the spot wherethe little girl was> What?

Butt-head: It says...uh...huh, slaw...slu...shlaw...uh, huh,, sh, shlong! Whoa. Beavis, Shlongdale is down this road.

Beavis: <stops stomping> Whoa! Heh, heh, mph. Schlong.

Cut to: Daria's living room. Helen and Jake sit on the couch. Quinn is sulking in the chair. Daria walks over to the door.

Jake: Hey, kiddo! Where you going? It's family night.

Daria: I'm going to see Trent- er - this band. <thinking> Crap.

Helen: <face brightened> Oh! Go right along dear!

Daria: <sounding very, very depressed> Thanks.

Daria leaves the house.

Quinn: Why does she get to go out! I had a date tonight!

Jake: Yeah! Why do I have to stay too!

Helen: <sighs> Alright. She must have had a date. She DID mention some boys name...Trent wasn't it?

Quinn: Why does she get to <realizes what has been said> What!! A date! Her! She probably just lied

to get out of tonight!

Jake: <grumbling> Wish I'd thought of that...

Helen sighs heavily and leans back on the couch.

Cut to: Daria getting into the van. Jesse and Jane are already in the back along with the instruments, so Daria sits up front to avoid arousing suspicions.

Daria: Where's the drummer? Or is he just a myth you started to make everyone think you had a full band?

Trent: He's sick again. He was up all night last night drinking to celebrate this occasion.

Daria: This won't mess up your performance, will it?

Trent: Naw. Jesse and I can get along. Unless one of you wanted to play the drums?

Daria AND Jane: No.

Daria: Hey, Jane. Could you come over here a minute?

Jane walks over. She whispers.

Jane: What?

Daria: I really screwed up.

Jane: What?

Daria: My family thinks I'm on a date now...

Jane: With who?

Daria: Trent.

Jane: How?

Daria: I mentioned his name instead of the band's.

Jane: And, why are you worried?

Daria: What do you mean?

Jane: They're not likely to start rumors.

Daria: But now my mother is going to try to find out more about him, eventually invite him over, and I need to find some way to get that idea out of their minds.

Van bumps as the hit a speed bump. Jane falls back and Jesse catches her. She winks at Dariaand smiles. Daria frowns.

Cut to: Inside of the coffee house. A large crowd is gathered to see Helpful Corn tonight. Jesse and Trent are carrying boxes, Jane and Daria each hold a guitar. A large man stops them at the door.

Doorman: Performing?

Trent: Yeah.

Doorman: Song please. <extends hand>

Trent sets down the box and digs in his pocket.

Trent: Here you go.

The doorman looks over the song and stops about halfway.

Doorman: You can't perform this here.

Trent, Jesse, and Jane: What!?

Daria: <blank face> What?

Doorman: I said you can't perform this here.

Trent: Why not?

Doorman: This has vulgar language in it.

Trent: Where?

Doorman: Right here. <points a finger at an area of the paper, Trent looks>

Trent: "Crap?" That's why I can't perform here? C'mon, Jess. Lets go. All because of "crap." <grabs his song>

Suddenly, the ground shakes with intermittent thundering sounds. In the distance one can hear a sinister laugh...

Beavis: Heh, heh, mph, heh. Schlong...

Cut to commercial after showing slow motion of Jane falling into Jesse's arms.

Cut to: Daria, Trent, Jesse, and Jane run towards the van empty handed. They all jump in and speed off. People from the coffee house run to their cars in a similar way. Two figures can be seen coming from a distance, with one thought on their minds...

Beavis: Schlong, heh, heh, heh, mph, heh.

Cut to: Inside of van. Jesse holding Jane close. Trent with a panic on his face. Daria has an expression of deep thought.

Daria: I know that laugh... Beavis!

Jane: <looks up> What!

Daria: That was Beavis's laugh. If I'm wrong, then tie me down and <looks at Trent and quiets down>

Jane: What was that earthquake back there then? Loud crunch. Sound of metal screeching. A loud grunt as if someone was throwing something.

Trent: Look out!

Something large hits the top of the van. They swerve out of control and pull over in a ditch. They all get out and run. Daria turns around and actually screams. Beavis and Butt-head look down at them.

Both: Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha!

She turns and runs to catch up. She trips and falls.

Daria: Help!

Trent comes running and grabs her. They run as Beavis's bloody shoe lands where they were.

Cut to: Daria's living room. Helen and Jake are in

the same place, but Jake is sleeping. Quinn is on the floor applying nail polish to her toes.

Helen: <sighs> Well, we might as well turn on the TV!

Quinn: <not taking the hint to straighten up> O.K.! The TV turns on to show a news broadcast on all channels, as Quinn tries to flip through.

Helen: Wait a minute, hon.

TV: And now, two giant teen-agers prowl Lawndale, causing mass destruction as they go. Here is our investigative reporter, Bill Buttcokowits, live.

Cut to: TV screen. It is now raining.

Bill: Hello, I'm Bill Buttcokowits.

Beavis and Butt-head walk up.

Butt-head: Uh, huh, huh, huh, huh. Buttcokowits.

Beavis: Mmmmnnn, die you son of a bitch!

A large, and bloody, shoe lands on bill. Shortly, there is nothing but static.

Helen: Dear Lord!

Cut to: Trent running while carrying Daria. She has her arms around his neck. Her wet hair sticks to her face and falls about her shoulders as she bounces. Trent runs inside a small shed and Jesse shuts the door.

Inside, it is dark.

Jane: Anyone got a match?

Jesse: Hold on.

A lighter flame provides some illumination. All are soaking wet. Daria is rubbing her ankle.

Daria: Damn.

Trent: <worried> What?

Daria: I must have twisted my ankle.

Jane: Do you really think we'll be safe here?

Jesse: Not for too long...

Cut to: Isolated shack on a hill, with a shattered roof and two walls. FBI agents search through.

Mulder: Hey Scully. Come take a look at this.

Scully: What is it?

Mulder: This must be the final result. <holds up the beaker, now broken>

Scully: But I don't see how this would have anything to do with it. All we have is some soda and chocolate syrup.

Mulder: I wouldn't be so sure. <holds up bottle>

Scully: <with fear> Cough syrup!

Mulder: Yes.

Scully: Mixed with chocolate syrup alone, that would have made them twice as tall!

Mulder: But if the soda diluted it that much, maybe it will wear off soon. A voice calls off in the distance, those who saw Beavis and Butt-head do America will know it well.

Voice: Full cavity searches all around!

Cut to: Outside of the shed. It is now daylight and the rain has stopped. The door opens as Trent peeks outside. His head goes back in. After a moment, he emerges with Daria in his arms. Jesse and Jane follow.

Jane: Is it over?

Daria: Shh. Listen.

Voice from a nearby bush: Ahhh. Poop!

Voice2: Hey buttknocker. We're like, small again.

Voice1: Mmmnn, damnit!

Cut to: FBI van. Beavis and Butt-head are being loaded inside. Daria, who now has a crutch and a bandaged ankle, leans against Trent anyway. Jesse stands behind Jane with a hand on her shoulder. An agent walks up.

Mulder: Thanks for reporting their location to us. We'll see to it that they get proper medical care.

Daria: So is it over?

The other car doors shut, but the van waits.

Mulder: It should be. But I have to keep searching. The truth is out there.

He begins to walk over to the van. Screams emerge from inside and the back door bursts open to reveal a squadron of Beavis and Butt-head people. Scully jumps out of the van.

Scully: Mulder! They had uranium in theit systems! It's reacting with the cough syrup.

Voice from van: Cavity searches everywhere!!!