All's Weird That Ends Weird A Daria Script by Elizabeth Thaler EmpressEKV@aol.com 1- INT. MR. O'NEILL'S ENGLISH ROOM. DAY The class is assembled. On the board are written things about The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, with the word "catalyst" underlined. O'Neill: In dramatic terms, a catalyst is someone who moves along the action of the play without actually being part of it. In Romeo and Juliet, the servant invites Romeo and Benvolio to the Capulet party, not knowing that they're Montagues, his master's sworn enemies. Would anyone like to comment on his role as a catalyst? (No one's hand is raised) Jane? Jane: I don't think he's a catalyst. O'Neill: And why is that? Jane: He's obviously a criminal mastermind in disguise, bent on destroying both families so he and his Hellish minions can rule Verona with an iron fist. O'Neill does not know how to react. He turns to Daria, whose hand is not raised. O'Neill: Daria? Daria sighs. Daria: I disagree with Jane. O'Neill: (Relieved) Oh good. Daria: His minions weren't Hellish. They were going to cleanse the Earth of sin by baptizing it in the blood of the Capulets and Montagues. The Servant clearly has God on his side. Pause. Jane: Oh, yeah, Daria's right. O'Neill: Uh, on that note, more or less, I'd like to tell you all about this year's school play. Daria: (Quietly) Nice segue. Jane: (Quietly) You mean hasty retreat. Daria: (Quietly) Potato Potaato. O'Neill: I'm very excited to announce that it will be none other than Shakespeare's timeless tragedy, Romeo and Juliet. Auditions start tomorrow, and I hope I'll see each one of you there! Jane, Daria, you two have a... unique perspective on the classsics. Why don't you two make yourselves examples of teen dedication and be the first to sign up! He wields the sign-up sheet. Daria: I think I'd rather make myself an example of teen apathy. 2- EXT. LAWNDALE STREET. DAY Daria and Jane walk home. Daria: I can't believed you signed up. Jane: It's not like I'm bowing to O'Neill's artistic vision. I wanna be set designer: Romeo and Julietin a convenience store! Daria: How about a morgue? Jane: My art is lost upon you people. Daria: Maybe you could be Quinn's hairdresser. She's convinced that pulling her hair back in two strips will land her Juliet. Jane: Cancel the Oscars, this girl's got a hair clip! I just hope O'Neill buys my set idea. Daria: I'm not sure if it's "unique" enough. Jane: Maybe it could be made entirely out of shag carpeting. Daria: Is it still a convenience store? Jane: Of course. Daria: Now you're talking. 3- INT. LAWNDALE HIGH THEATER. DAY Various kids, including Quinn (hair pulled back), Upchuck, Kevin, Brittany, Jeffy, Joey, Jamie, Jodie, and Mack, are in the audience, going over lines. Quinn: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much! Upchuck: ... By her fine foot, straight leg and quivering thigh... mrrrow. Mack: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? (Sighs) Are you sure about this? Jodie: You're doing really well. Mack: I guess. Kevin: Let lips do what hands do, babe. He reaches for Brittany, who stops him. Brittany: Not now, Kevie. We have to go over these lines. On stage, O'Neill, with clipboard, is talking to Jane. O'Neill: Your design's... daring, Jane. But I'm afraid we're looking for something a little more traditional. Jane: You know I was kidding about the shag, right? O'Neill: Oh. Of course. He crosses something out on his clipboard. O'Neill: In any case, Jane, maybe you should try again. Sometimes mistakes are only stepping stones, leading us to our vision on the riverbank. Jane: And then sometimes they're man-eating crocodiles. O'Neill: I have to start auditions. You come back to me when you've got another concept. And try to think more... Shakespearean. He goes to the front of the stage. Voice (OS): Don't worry about him. He thinks Warhol was advertising soup. Jane turns. Adam, a male techie in his twenties, stands there. He is tall and attractive, with semi-scruffy blond hair in a short ponytail. He wears a dark green T-shirt, jeans, steel-toed boots, and a tool belt. He's smiling. Adam: Forget about him appreciating good stage design. Jane smiles, obviously 'appreciating' the man. Adam extends his hand. Adam: Hi, I'm Adam Churchill, the Technical Director. Jane: (Shaking it) Good to meet you, Mr. Churchill. I'm Jane. Adam: You can call me Adam. Jane: Aren't you faculty? Adam: Welcome to the Theater Department. As long as it's not in front of the other faculty, first names are fine. So, you'll be doing tech with us? I mean, besides scratching out a tired Elizabethan castle to pacify O'Neill. Jane: (Hadn't planned on it) Yes. Yes, I will be doing tech. I'm pretty inexperienced, though. Adam: No problem, it'll come quickly. For the run of the show, we'll make you Assistant Stage Manager. Jane: And what'll you be doing? Adam: Hiding out in my office until intermission, when I count the money. Jane: Wow. Talk about a dream job. Adam: Just wait until the week before the show. I hope you like coffee. Jane: No, I just use caffeine injections. Works faster when it goes straight to the brain. Adam laughs. Adam: Come on, let me show you around. He leads her into the wing. 4- INT. LAWNDALE HIGH THEATER Mack and Kevin stand on stage with Adam and Mr. O'Neill. O'Neill: Now that we've separated into groups- wait a minute, we need one more person. Mack: There weren't enough guys, they're all in the other groups. O'Neill: (Thinking) Alright, wait a minute... (Calling into wing) Jane? Jane emerges, carrying a wrench and followed by Adam. Jane: Is something wrong? O'Neill: I need an extra person to read for this group. Would you mind standing in for Mercutio? Jane: Mercutio? O'Neill: You know, Romeo's sidekick. Jane: I guess, if that's okay with Mr. Churchill. O'Neill: It'll only take a minute. Here's your script, Jane. Oh, you don't mind reading for a boy, do you? Jane: No, it's cool, I love Mercutio. Adam: (To himself) Uh-oh. 5- INT. DARIA'S BEDROOM. DAY Daria is on the phone with Jane. Daria: You had fun? Jane: It was really cool. I learned the Clove Hitch, and when I get better with knots I'll learn the noose and the monkey's fist. Did you know the monkey's fist was outlawed in England? Daria: Uh, no. Jane: Then I set up a boom and attached an ellipsoidal reflector. Adam- he's the TD- gave me a tour after auditions, and he gave me all the combinations. Adam gave me a carabeener for my back pack, and he says I'm doing a really good job with the remote focusing unit. Daria: So, to sum up the afternoon, O'Neill tossed your creative vision in the waste basket, you've got a crush on a teacher, and you've learned a foreign language. Jane: I do not have a crush on Adam. Daria: Why do you keep calling him that? Jane: Techies are a lot more relaxed than, well, everyone I've met who does something useful. Daria: In other words, not quite as relaxed as Trent. Jane: And Adam's really close with his tech students. Daria: And just how close are you planning to get with him? Jane: Funny Daria. Older men are your department, remember? Pause. Daria: I suppose I had that coming, didn't I? Jane: Like Valium to Mr. DeMartino. Daria: Well, I'm glad you're enjoying this forray into extracurricular participation. Jane: You know what's strange? I actually believe you meant that. Daria: Techies are the unseen gears that make a play happen. Anyone that unappreciated is okay by me. Jane: Listen, I gotta go. I told Trent I'd help him set up his new amps. Daria: Why? Jane: Let's just say I have a new respect for technical equipment. Daria: And you don't trust Trent not to destroy it. Jane: Would you? Daria: Go my child, to where you are truly needed. Jane: Stay proud, sister. They hang up. 6- INT. LAWNDALE HIGH HALLWAY. DAY School has just ended. A crowd of people have massed around a wall bearing the cast list. Quinn: Yes! I knew that hair clip would pay off! Brittany: Oh Kevie! You're Lord Montague and I'm Lady Montague! Isn't that romantic? Kevin: Sure babe, whatever. Do I get a sword? Upchuck stands next to Sandi, Stacey, and Tiffany. Upchuck: (To Sandi) I'm Prince of Verona, toots, but someday I'll be King. Interested in sharing the throne? Sandi: Yeah right, we're doing costumes. Now go away before I use my pepper spray. Upchuck: Mrow, Feisty! He retreats. Jane walks by, her backpack now with a portable mug attached to the strap on a carabeener. She stops, overhearing Mack and Jodie. Jodie: You can't drop out! You're the star! Mack: I only tried out so you wouldn't end up opposite Kevin. Now I'm opposite Quinn. No wonder Romeo kills himself. Jane: Wait a minute. Quinn's Juliet, (to Jodie) and youdidn't get cast? Does anyone else hear The Immortal Bard rotating in his grave? Jodie: I got cast. I'm the Nurse. I'm happy with the part. Mack: But your mother won't be. Jodie: Yeah, and she's kind of right. I mean, she didn't raise her daughter to be a domestic. Jane: Look at it this way- you're the only girl in the school who could pull off anything but an ingenue. Jodie: Except for you. Mack: Yeah, I wish you'd been cast as the Nurse, so Jodie could be Juliet. Jane: Me? I didn't try out. Jodie: But you were cast. Jane: What!?! She pushes her way through to the list. She searches for her name, then stops, shocked. Jane: (Pleased) Wow. Mercutio. Mack: Kinda funny, huh? You're my sidekick. Jane: Why is that so funny? He and Jodie look at each other. Jodie: No reason. Jane shrugs. Evan (OS): Congratulations, Jane. She turns to see Evan standing there, arms folded. Jane: Oh. Evan. Why the sudden interest in theater? Aren't track and unjust manipulation of the school system your areas? Evan: Guess you didn't read the list, did you Lane? I'm your leading man. Jane: Mercutio's a guy, Evan. And I don't think O'Neill's interpretation is quite that progressive. Evan: I'm Tybalt. You know, the one who murders you? Jane: Oh yeah, the obnoxious jerk who ruins everything. Congratulations, Evan, you've struck a real blow for type casting everywhere. Evan: You're the one playing Romeo's Sidekick. But don't worry about me, Lane, you won't have to deal with me long. It should take you about a week to drop out. He goes off. Jane: I hate that guy. Mack: Don't worry about him, you're only in that one scene together. And when Romeo kills Tybalt, I'll stab him extra for you. Jane: Thanks. Hopefully I can keep myself from doing the same. 7- INT. JANE'S ROOM. DAY. Daria and Jane sit on the bed. Jane: How cool is that? He's the best character! Daria: Mercutio? You mean Romeo's sidekick? Jane: Why does everyone keep saying that? Daria: So how come you're doing this? I thought you were all a twitter over wrenches and hand saws. Jane: Well, I'm still working on design. And I talked to Adam about it, and it turns out he's the one who gave O'Neill the idea. He saw my audition and thought I was really good, and figures I'll have some fun and do tech next time. Daria: Oh, I see. You're doing it because your dream teacher told you to. Couldn't you just give him an apple or a full body massage or something? Jane: If I didn't know better, I'd say you're jealous. (Pause) Sorry, I couldn't think of anything. Daria: Let me get all this straight: My sister's going to be opposite Mack, you're going to be opposite Evan while flirting with a teacher, and Shakespeare's centuries-old reputation is going to be smeared for all time. Jane: More or less. Daria: There's no escaping it. I have absolutely no choice. Jane: What? Daria: I have to get in on this. There's no way I can miss out on this farce. Jane: Tragedy. Daria: Both. Jane: Well, now that I've defected to the Dark Side, Adam needs a new Assistant Stage Manager. You could do that. Daria: I don't know... that involves obeying the commands of others, doesn't it? Jane: It's your only in. Unless you want to work costumes and make-up with the Fashettes. Daria: I think that energy would be better spent drafting my suicide note. Jane: So then Assistant Stage Manager it is. Wow Daria, you're voluntarily doing... something. Daria half smiles- she has a plan. Daria: Voluntarily? Let's keep that between you and me. 8- INT. MORGENDORFFER KITCHEN. MORNING. Jake: Juliet? Way to go, kiddo! Why didn't you tell us you were auditioning? Helen: She did, Jake, at breakfast yesterday. Jake: She told you? You know, I'm getting tired of being left out of this family! I'm your father damnit, I want to hear about these things! Daria: You did, Dad. You were right here. Jake: None of your wisecracks young lady. I'm serious! Quinn: I did tell you Daddy. You wished me luck and everything. Jake: Well I knew that! Of course you told me! Helen can only look at him. Jake: I have to go to the bathroom. He gets up and goes out the back door, leaving the house. Daria takes his paper. Daria: (Casually, flipping through paper) You're taking this pretty well, Mom. Helen: Oh I've been married to him for years sweetie. Daria: I meant Quinn's play. Helen: Oh, of course. What are you talking about? Daria: You know all about what goes on at those rehearsals. Helen: What goes on? Quinn: (Intrigued) Yeah, what goes on? Daria: They have to stay at rehearsals pretty late. And some weird stuff happens when they're not on stage. In the dressing rooms, in the bathrooms, backstage... Helen: Daria are you trying to start trouble? Daria: Just looking out for my little sister. Helen: Sorry dear. You just lost your credibility. Daria: Damn. I knew I should've used reverse psychology. Helen gets up. Helen: Well, I've got to be going. Nice try on the manipulation honey but keep working on it. She exits. Quinn: God Daria. How shallow. She leaves. Daria takes a moment, then returns to paper. Jake reenters timidly. Jake: Daria? Daria: Are you being served? Jake: (Taking out wallet) How much do you want to keep an eye on your sister? Daria: You heard all that? Jake looks at her blankly. Daria puts down paper. Daria: How much've you got? 9- INT. LAWNDALE HIGH HALLWAY. DAY. After school. Daria and Jane walk to the theater. Jane: So you're getting bribed to do something you already wanted to do. Nice work. Daria: It's gotten too easy. I was really pathetic this time. Jane: But your mom bought it. Daria: Nope. Had to resort to Dad. Jane: Ouch. You are rusty. They enter the theater. 10- INT. LAWNDALE HIGH THEATER As the actors gather onstage, Daria peers into the wing. 11- INT. THEATER WING Daria enters the semi-dark wing, looking around at the various curtains and electrical workings and such. Voice (OS): Lost? Daria turns around to see Adam looking at her. Daria: I'm taking a shortcut to Grandma's House. Are you Mr. Churchill? Adam: (Extending a hand, which Daria shakes) Adam. And you are? Daria: Daria. Adam: Oh right, Jane told me about you. Daria: Nothing about our covert operations, I hope. Adam: Just the location of your secret headquarters. Looking forward to being Assistant Stage Manager? Daria: Well... what do I do? Adam: Slave labor and babysitting. Daria: Excuse me? Adam: You do whatever I tell you, you do whatever the Stage Manager tells you, you do whatever O'Neill tells you (smiles), in that order. You make sure the actors don't break or lose their props, and you make sure the actors don't break or lose themselves. Kevin and Brittany wander into the wing. Kevin: I dunno babe. Are you sure this is the way to the boiler room? Brittany bumps into a ladder. Brittany: Ow! Adam and Daria sigh. 12- INT. LAWNDALE THEATER. NIGHT. After rehearsal. Everybody's gathering their stuff and preparing to leave. Jane is onstage, putting a script in her bag. Adam approaches. Adam: Nice work today. Jane: (Concealing her pleasure) Oh, you were watching? Adam: I caught a little. I was also looking over some of your set sketches, Jane. Jane: Oh? Whatta you think? Adam: You've got some good ideas, but you need to learn how to set them down. Stage design has a method of its own, with scales and symbols. Your final designs need to be a kind of blueprint for the crew to build from. Jane: Oh. I see. Adam: I know it's late, but if you've got a half-hour or so I can show you the basics. Jane smiles. Jane: Okay. Sure. They go offstage. Nearby, Brittany watches while Jodie is putting away her script. Brittany: Who's that? Jodie: (Looking) Oh, that's Mr. Churchill. He's the Tech teacher. Brittany: (Thoughtfully) A teacher... Excuse me. She goes off. Jodie shrugs. 13- INT. LAWNDALE THEATER. DAY. Two weeks later. The set is partially built. Quinn and Jodie are onstage, without scripts. Jodie: I am a-weary, give me leave awhile: Fie, how my bones ache! what a jaunt have I had! Quinn: I would thou hadst my bones, and I thy news: Nay, come, I pray thee, speak; good, good nurse, speak. O'Neill: Very good, girls. But let's talk about the symbolism Shakespeare uses... Mack and Kevin are in the back of the audience. Mack: (Overlapping O'Neill's voice in the background) Kevin, I really don't think Jane's having an affair with Mr. Churchill. Kevin: No kidding, Bro! Brittany saw them together and everything! Mack: (Skeptically) Saw them doing what? Kevin leans in and whispers something with a grin. Mack: I don't think so, Kevin. That would've broken the aquarium. Daria sits in the front of the audience with a script and clipboard. Adam approaches. Adam: How's it going, Daria? Daria: This had better get amusing really soon. Adam: What, not having fun prompting? Sharpening pencils? Fetching props? Daria: Slitting my wrists? Adam: (Smiling) It's worth it. And during the show it's a lot of fun. Daria: Like a route canal, I'm sure. Adam: Look at it this way. You're getting rare first-hand insight into the destruction of a classic work. You don't get to see this kind of carnage every day. Daria: You obviously don't live with your family. O'Neill (OS): Adam? They look up. Jane is now onstage with Evan, arms folded. O'Neill is with them. O'Neill: Daria, I have to go talk to Mr. Churchill about the set. Jane and Evan are going to go over their scene while I'm gone. Daria: Uh, okay. Adam nods to Daria and follows O'Neill out. Daria: Mack, Paul, you're up for this one. Mack and Paul, the guy playing Benvolio, go onstage. Kevin, meanwhile, is talking to Jodie and Brittany towards the back of the theater. Jodie: Jane and Mr. Churchill? Kevin: Yeah, totally. Jodie: I don't know, Kevin. I didn't see any marks on her neck. Kevin: Not her neck, man! Jodie rolls her eyes. Onstage, the scene has begun. Jane, as Mercutio, sits moodily downstage right with Paul, as Benvolio, above and stage left of her. Paul: By my head, here come the Capulets. Jane: By my heel, I care not. Evan enters, as Tybalt, remaining stage left. Evan: Gentlemen, good den: a word with one of you. Jane stands but does not cross. Jane: And but one word with one of us? couple it with something; make it a word and a blow. Evan: (As himself, nastily) You're supposed to cross there. Jane: No I'm not. Evan: Yes, you are. On 'make it a word and a blow'. Jane: O'Neill said *not* to cross there. Will you cool down already? Evan: Cool down? You mean pretend I'm wrong? Jane: (Impatiently) Daria, you've got it written down. Daria: (Looking at sketches on script) Jane's right. The cross comes later. Mack enters stage right. Mack: Is there a problem? Evan: Yeah. Jane's trying to mess up the scene, and she's got her partner in crime out there trying to help her. Jane: What? Daria: Uh-oh. Jane: You're the one trying to mess this up, Evan. Will you get off my case? I'm at least trying to tolerate you. Evan: Tolerate me? You and your loser friend are ganging up on me. Daria's eyes narrow. Jane: You have a coronary over blocking and my friend's the loser. Thanks Evan, it's all clear now. Evan: Oh, did I say your friend was a loser? I didn't mean to exclude you. Funny I've been hearing these rumors about you and a teacher, Jane. Guess you couldn't get anyone else. Jane: Alright you smug little- She goes to hit him, but Mack quickly restrains her as Paul pulls back Evan. Jane: Come on, give me one shot at him. Mack: Get him later. You don't want him to have a black eye for the show. Jane: I could hit him somewhere his costume would cover. In the back of the audience, Kevin sits with Jodie and Brittany. Kevin: Man, I wonder what's going on up there? Jodie: (Dryly) Evan must be jealous of that big affair Jane's having with Mr. Churchill. The shot widens to reveal a horrified Mr. O'Neill standing just behind them. 14- INT. THEATER The cast is milling about the first few rows, in full costume. O'Neill is onstage, trying to address them. O'Neill: Now, going into this dress rehearsal, I want you all to remember- Daria appears from the wing, a walkie-talkie type headset on. Daria: Five minutes to places! Cast: Thank you! Daria recedes into the wing. Daria: (Into headset) At least this job isn't entirely thankless. Onstage, Quinn, in costume, is talking to the rest of the Fashion Club. Quinn: Sandi, this is a really great costume and all, but you made the chest too small. Sandi: What do you mean, Quinn? Quinn: It's strangling my boobs! Tiffany: We took your measurements, Quinn. Stacy: It should fit. Quinn: Well it doesn't. Maybe you cut it wrong. Sandi: Or maybe your back's just gotten fat. Quinn steams. In the front row, O'Neill approaches Jane. O'Neill: Uh, Jane? Jane: Yeah? O'Neill: I was wondering, is everything... alright? Jane: Yeah... O'Neill: Because if you ever need to share, you can always come to me. Jane: Thanks Mr. O'Neill... I'll remember that. She walks off, leaving O'Neill with a concerned look. 14- INT. THEATER A side view of the dress rehearsal underway. Mack and Quinn are wearing wedding attire and kneeling before Friar Laurence. Mack: (As Romeo) Ah, Juliet, if the measure of thy joy Be heap'd like mine and that thy skill be more To blazon it, then sweeten with thy breath This neighbour air, and let rich music's tongue Unfold the imagined happiness that both Receive in either by this dear encounter. Quinn: (As Juliet) Conceit, more rich in matter than in words, Brags of his substance, not of ornament: They are but beggars that can count their worth; But my true love is grown to such excess I cannot sum up sum of half my wealth. Mack puts a ring on Quinn's finger and they kiss. Stage Manager (VO): Daria, don't cringe so loud. I'm trying to call a cue. The view widens to show Daria, with headset, watching from the wing. The Stage Manager is female. Stage Manager (VO): Cue 43 go. The stage goes to black out. Stage Manager (VO): Bring up the house lights for intermission. Congratulations, we're halfway through dress rehearsal. Daria goes to remove her headset Stage Manager (VO): And Daria, if you're going out get me an orange soda. Daria: Yes Master, but how will you spend your other two wishes? Stage Manager (VO): A candy bar. Daria: And I suppose for the third you'll want a brain for your monster. Me and Igor should form a union. 15- INT. DRESSING ROOM Actors lounge, chatting. Jane is only partially in costume- hers involves a vest type thing over a blousy shirt. She wears the blousy shirt and is attempting to secure a pouch to it with safety pins. Jane: Damnit! Hold still you stupid- Daria (OS): Do you need some help? Jane turns to see Daria, bearing two sodas and a candy bar. Daria: Or should I just hold it down while you kick it? Jane: I can't get this stupid pin in without piercing the bag. Daria puts down the food and takes the pins from her. Jane holds her arm up to give her room. Daria: (Pinning) You think you've got this fake blood thing down? Jane: Sure. Evan stabs under my arm and I squeeze the bag so the blood seeps out. I was thinking of bringing one to History class and staggering to the ground. Daria: With Mr. DeMartino? Your appendix could burst and he'd tell you to stop whining. And then he'd give you detention for disrupting class. She has finished, and Jane dons her vest thingy. Jane: Yeah, I figured. That's why I'm doing it in English. 16- INT. THEATER The middle of Jane's big scene. Jane and Paul stand behind Mack, who is being addressed by Evan. Jane's sword is drawn but she is not at the ready. Evan: Romeo, the hate I bear thee can afford No better term than this,--thou art a villain. Mack: Tybalt, the reason that I have to love thee Doth much excuse the appertaining rage To such a greeting: villain am I none; Therefore farewell; I see thou know'st me not. Evan: This shall not excuse the injuries That thou hast done me; therefore turn and draw. Mack: I do protest, I never injured thee, But love thee better than thou canst devise: And so, good Capulet,--which name I tender As dearly as my own,--be satisfied. In rage, Tybalt (Evan) draws his sword and lunges at Romeo (Mack). Mercutio (Jane) darts in between them and parries the blade. Jane: O calm, dishonourable, vile submission! (She pushes him away) Tybalt, you rat-catcher, will you walk? They circle each other slowly. Evan: What wouldst thou have with me? Jane: Good king of cats, nothing but one of your nine lives. Will you pluck your sword out of his pitcher by the ears? make haste, lest mine be about your ears ere it be out. Evan: I am for you. Mack: Gentle Mercutio, put thy rapier up. Jane: Come, sir, your passado. They fight. Mack: Draw, Benvolio; beat down their weapons. Gentlemen, for shame, forbear this outrage! Hold, Tybalt! good Mercutio! Romeo (Mack) pulls Mercutio (Jane) back to stop the fight. Tybalt (Evan) lunges and strikes her, hitting her sharply in the ribs. Jane: Ow! Watch it! Red liquid pours onto the floor. Evan: (Nastily) You're supposed to squeeze the blood out, not break the bag! Jane: (Holding her side) You stabbed me on purpose! That plastic tip hurts! Daria comes on stage. O'Neill comes on from the audience. O'Neill: Is everyone okay? Jane: You're supposed to go under my arm. Evan: You messed up the entire scene. Are you planning to do this tommorow night? Jane: (Suddenly scared) I- Daria: Come on. You go clean up your costume. Evan: (Snidely) The stage is a mess. Can't you techies do your jobs? You're so incompetent! Daria glares, then leads Jane offstage. Daria: He'd better be careful. I might just have been incompetent enough to leave a light unscrewed. Right above his head. 17- INT. LAWNDALE HIGH HALLWAY After school the next day. Daria, dressed in all black, closes her locker. Jodie and Mack are there, in costume. Mack: Hey Daria, that optimistic about tonight's show? Daria looks down at her grimly-colored garb. Daria: It's a tech thing. When we wear black onstage we can pretend we're invisible. I decided not to tell Churchill that it was too late. Why are you guys in costume? Jodie: We all got out of class early to change. Mack: Yeah, but Jane still hasn't shown. Have you seen her? Daria: Not since History. Mack and Jodie exchange worried looks. Daria: She must've forgotten. If I see her, I'll remind her. Jodie: Thanks. They go. Daria goes down the hall. Suddenly, she stops, and turns. A locker has caught he attention- there's a bootlace hanging out of it. Daria approaches and opens the door to find Jane has stuffed herself inside. Jane shrugs her eyebrows in greeting. Daria: This I don't believe. Jane: Hi Daria. Pause. Daria: Do I really have to ask? Jane: The Janitor kicked me out of his supply closet. I didn't have anywhere else to hide. Daria: Hide? Jane: I... kind of have stage fright. Daria: Oh. Do you need to talk or something? Jane: I guess that's what we're supposed to do in these situations. Daria: Well... climb out of there, and we'll go share some flavored coffee. Beat. Jane: I'm stuck. Daria: So much for your career as The Amazing Human Folding Chair. Jane: Yeah. Guess I'll have to go to Med School instead. Daria takes Jane by the wrists and yanks her from the locker. She lands neatly on her feet. Jane: Great. I was hoping you wouldn't be able to get me out and O'Neill would have to understudy. Daria: What's all this about? Jane: I don't know. Evan, I guess. The past few days... I can't believe him! A simple scene he couldn't get through without antagonizing me! Sometimes I think he auditioned just to piss me off. Daria: He found out you were doing tech, auditioned, manipulated you into the cast in a bigger part than he had, all in order to get you to try and hit him. Diabolical. Jane: Daria, try and stay with me here? Daria: Don't let him get to you. That's what he wants. It's not like you care what he thinks, is it? Jane: No. I don't know why he bugs me so much. He gets really personal, you know? And then at the dress rehearsal- he got me really scared that I'll mess up my death scene. If he jabs me again, I might screw up with the blood. Daria: If it's any consolation, everyone on Tech hates Evan. More than any other actor. Jane: More than Upchuck? Daria: He hasn't really bothered us. Must be our air of authority. Jane: Or your proximity to power tools. Daria: Look, the best way to let Evan win is to let him mess you up. If you just forget about him, you'll be great, and he'll feel like the jerk he is. So do what you want to do, what you would've done anyway. Jane: Yeah. I'll give a perfect performance just to spite him. Daria: Well, that kind of missed my point, but are you over your stage right? Jane: Yeah. Daria: Then I won't linger on the specifics. (They walk) Was that little chat helpful? Jane: Definitely. Another five minutes in there and I wouldn't have been able to walk. Daria: Glad I could be there for you. 18- INT. THEATER The performance. Jane, Mack, Paul, and Evan are onstage as before. Mack: (As Romeo) Hold, Tybalt! good Mercutio! He grabs Jane back. Evan stabs her and she falls perfectly, blood seeping through her shirt. Evan runs off, leaving Jane on the ground, in Mack's arms, Paul at her side. Jane: I am hurt. A plague o' both your houses! I am sped. Is he gone, and hath nothing? Paul: What, art thou hurt? Jane: Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch; marry, 'tis enough. Go, villain, fetch a surgeon. Mack: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. Jane: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough,'twill serve: ask for me to-morrow, and you shall find me a grave man. A plague o' both your houses! (She winces in pain) Why the devil came you between us? I was hurt under your arm. Mack: I thought all for the best. Jane: (Weakening) Help me into some house, Benvolio, Or I shall faint. A plague o' both your houses! They have made worms' meat of me: I have it, And soundly too: your houses! Jane dies. 19- INT. THEATER WING Daria smiles. 20- INT. THEATER Final bows. To thunderous applause: Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie (as Sampson, Gregory, and Abraham) come forward and bow. Kevin and Brittany come forward and bow. Paul and Jodie come forward and bow. Evan and Jane come forward and bow, first Evan and then Jane. When Jane bows the applause increases, and many people in the audience stand up. Jane smiles. 21- INT. DRESSING ROOM Everyone else has left. Daria waits by Jane's bag, which is next to several bunches of roses. Jane is unseen behind a changing curtain. Daria: You almost ready? Jane: Keep your boots on. My scabbard's caught up in my doublet. She emerges, dressed, and proceeds to put in her earrings and apply lipstick. Jane: I have to admit I'm gonna miss this place. Where else do I get to hear about Quinn's bra size? Daria: You could switch identities with me. Jane: Or join the Fashion Club, but I work neither miracles nor machine guns, so both of those options are out. You gonna miss your clear com, your clipboard, your subservience to those more knowledgable than you? Daria: Tech wasn't so bad. Except for all you actors running around. Jane: But what would you do without us? Daria: Light show. The door is pushed open a crack, and Trent pokes his head in. Trent: Janey? Daria? Seeing them, he enters. Jesse follows, with a bunch of flowers. Jane: (Picking up a nearby prop sword and taking an en gaurd pose) Daria, intruders! She takes a few jabs at the hapless boys as they step back to avoid her 'blade'. Daria: (Deadpan as ever) Shall I release the hounds? Jane: (Lowering her weapon) They made it past the boiling oil. They must be worthy of our audience. Trent: You ready to go? Jane: (Putting down the sword) Why so edgy, Trent? Jesse: All those High Schoolers. They keep staring at us. Jane: Oh, you know, they think you're mysterious and interesting. Of course we know better. Daria: Come on, let's go to the cast party. Jane: You wanna go to that? Daria: Sure. You deserve some attention from the masses. Jane: (Suspiciously) How thoughtful. Daria: Plus I want to see how many people I can smear with fake blood. Jane: That's more like it. Trent: Cast party? Jane: Yeah, you wanna crash? Trent: I don't know... Jane: Come on, we need the ride home. And you owe me money. Perpetually. Trent: That cool with you, Jesse? Jesse: Yeah, totally. Trent: Fine. But I don't wanna have to deal with any High Schoolers. Daria: Don't worry. They'll be too busy talking about you to bother talking to you. 22- INT. MACK'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM The cast party. The whole cast mills about, dancing and schmoozing. Except, of course, for our heroes, the four of whom stand aloofly in a corner. Pause. Jane: Wow. Glad we came *here*. Jesse: Maybe we should check out the rest of the house. Daria: Don't bother. Living Room- dancing, ruthless gossip, and non-alcoholic "dummy" beverages. Basement- real drinks and making out. Rec Room- basement spillover. Back yard- assorted illegal activity and house-trashing antics. Jane: Wow. You're a real party expert, Daria. You'd think you'd been to more than two. So what happened to your bloody crusade? Daria: Kevin caught me. I had to dump it in the punch. Trent: Is that stuff toxic? Daria: I put it in the dummy punch. No one'll touch it. Trent: I saw some soda cans. Anybody want one? Jane: Yeah, sure. Daria, why don't you help him carry them? He's only got two hands, after all. Pause as Daria tries to find a way to refuse. She cannot. Daria: Uh, okay. They go across the room. Trent: It was a really good show tonight, Daria. Daria: Thanks a lot. Jane was really glad you came. Trent: I knew she'd be great. She's a performer like me. Daria: Hmm. Shakespeare... Mystik Spiral. He looks at her, an eyebrow raised. Daria: Works for me. They reach the sodas and gather four between them. Daria: You and Jesse must be really close that he came to this. Trent: Yeah, we go way back. And he likes Janey. Daria: (Looking over Trent's shoulder) So I see. Trent follows her gaze. Jane and Jesse, hand-in-hand, are exiting quickly through a nearby door. Trent's eyes narrow. Trent: Daria, does that door go to- Daria: (Dryly) The basement. Jane works fast. Trent: I don't believe this. He storms off angrily, following them through the door. Close-up on Daria. Pause. 23- INT. MACK'S BASEMENT Daria arrives in the doorway to see a steaming Trent confronting Jesse. Jane stands next to Jesse, arms folded irritably at her brother's interruption. Trent: What do you think you're doing, Jesse? Jesse: (Trying to calm him) It's a party, Trent. I'm trying to have a little fun. Trent: (Reacting to his poor word choice) Fun? That's my sister, man! Jesse: But Trent, your sister's hot. Trent: (Grabs him by the vest) You take that back! The fist fight begins, ruthlessly. It continues off screen, but can be heard very clearly. Sandi and Quinn enter. Quinn: Gu-uys! You don't have to fight over me! Focus on the four girls, the fight audible but obscured. Sandi: Yeah right Quinn, they're obviously fighting over me. Daria: Actually, I think they're fighting over Jane. Quinn & Sandi: Jane!?! Jane: Yep. Doesn't it just make you twitch? Quinn & Sandi: OUGH! They storm off. Jane: Guess so. (Pause as they watch the offstage brawl) Well, this is... Daria: Flattering? Jane: No. Daria: Frightening and upsetting? Jane: No. Daria: Embarrassingly pathetic? Jane: That's the one. Pause. Daria: Shouldn't we break them up or something? Jane: Nah, let 'em get it out of their system. Daria: Are you sure? Jane: Right now they're in Flirty Guy versus Big Brother mode. If we let 'em go, they'll realize how stupid this is and remember they're best friends. We get in their way, they go home enemies. Daria: So we let them pummel each other to save their friendship? Jane: Yup. Glad you're female? Daria: The alternative does seem grim. So we just wait 'till they're done? Jane: And then you can nurse Trent's wounds. Daria: (Glaring) Excuse me. I'm going to the bathroom. Jane: Need gauze? Daria: No, but pretty soon you will. Jane: Threats, eh? (Melodramatically) Is that anyway to treat a star? Evan enters. Evan: What the- Jane: They're fighting. Daria: Over Jane. Evan: Over Jane? Daria: You know those twenty-something musician types. When passions boil over they turn to blows. Evan: Passions? Daria: For Jane. Jane looks at her. Jane: Well, not exactly- Evan: Why would they fight over you? Jane changes her mind about correcting Daria's fib. Jane: Who understands the way men think? Not you, I'm sure. But you know, I encounter so few real men, I just couldn't choose. (Pause) And they're musicians. Daria: They can buy beer. Legally. They have tattoos and pierces we haven't seen. Jane: Well, that Daria hasn't seen. Evan has no response. He glares, then leaves. Jane and Daria exchange looks. Jane shrugs. Jane: A small victory, but still a victory. Kevin, Brittany, Jodie, and Mack enter, do not approach Daria and Jane. Kevin: What's goin' on in here? Mack: (Dryly) My guess is it's a fight. Kevin: Bro, I think you're right! Jodie: It's those older guys we saw with Jane before. I wonder if they're fighting over her? Brittany: But I thought Jane was dating that teacher guy. Mack: Yeah. I just hope their relationship doesn't get stale after the wedding. Kevin: Wedding?! Bro, I gotta tell somebody! He is off. Mack looks at Jodie. Mack: I really have to stop using sarcasm around him. Jane and Daria approach. Jane: Hey guys, enjoying the show? Jodie: Who *are* they? Jane: My brother and his friend. They're bonding. Brittany: Your brother? Jane: Yeah. Brittany: (Thoughtfully) Hmm... Excuse me. She leaves. Jodie: (To Jane) They're fighting over you? Daria: Overprotective sibling meets girl-chasing best friend. A love story. Mack: You want me and Kevin to break them up? Jodie: I think Kevin's busy organizing a bachelor party. Daria: What? Mack and Jodie: Never mind. Jane: Hey. Where'd they go? Daria: What? The fight noises have stopped. Daria and Jane exchange glances, depart from Jodie and Mack, and look around. Trent and Jesse are nowhere to be seen. Daria: Call it woman's intuition, but I don't think this is good. Jane: We should probably find them. Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie approach, sycophantic energies full power. Joey: Hey Jane. Jeffy: You were really great in the play Jane. Jamie: I thought you were better. Jane: Unh! Hold it right there. What's this about? Jamie: Will you go out with me? Joey: I saw her first! Jeffy: No way, I did! Jane: (To Daria) You up for some recon? Daria: (To Jane) I'll go survey the damage. She leaves. Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie grin dumbly at Jane. Joey: Do you need a drink? Jeffy: I can get you one. Jamie: I'll drive you home. Jane: Uh, Daria, wait up! She goes after her. 24- INT. MACK'S LIVING ROOM Daria stands by a table of snacks, soda in hand. Jane approaches. Jane: There you are. What the Hell is going on? Daria: It's agreed someone was fighting over you. Some just talk of two older guys. Some think Trent beat up Adam, while others maintain that Adam defended your honor against Jesse. Brittany's convinced you're sleeping with your brother, but Kevin seems confused: he's said both that you're bearing Adam's love child and that you hooked up with Quinn. He was particularly excited about that last one. Jane: Did you offer to sell him pictures? Daria hands her some money. Daria: Here's your cut. Jane takes it. Jane: Well I've had enough fun for one night. Or so I've heard. Shall we round up our gallant knights and make our way merrily home? Daria: I'll tell the stable boy to have our carriage ready. 25- INT. MACK'S HALLWAY. NIGHT. A battered Trent and Jesse sit on the floor against the wall, bruised and out of breath. Jesse: That was so dumb. Can't believe we let a chick get between us like that. Trent looks at him. Jesse: I mean a fine, modest young lady. I'm sorry, Trent. Trent: I struck first, Jesse. The blame's mine. But one thing's for sure, that'll never happen again. Jesse: Yeah, we got our art to think of. You want a drink? Trent: 'Want'? You could say that. Let's go. Pause. They do not move. Trent: Are you moving? Jesse: No. Trent: Me neither. Jesse: Guess it wasn't meant to be. They sit there, incapacitated. Jane and Daria find them. Jane: Well boys, all better? Trent: Can you get us something to drink? We're kind of having trouble... moving. Jane: (Sighs) Well, so much for our ride home. Trent: I can drive. Jane: Is that so? If you can pull the keys from your pocket right now I'll let you behind the wheel. Pause. Trent: Maybe you should call a cab. Jane: I'll do it. Daria, you bring these boys some water or something. Adam approaches. Adam: Oh look. The halt, the lame, and the blind. Jane: No, just Dumb and Dumber. The one on the right's my kinsman. Daria: The one on the left's her star-crossed suitor. Jane: What're you doing here? Adam: I usually stop by these things. I don't trust my techies with all these actors. Actually, they've all been giving me weird looks. Any idea why? Daria and Jane exchange looks. Daria: Uh, no. I'll go call that cab. Adam: I can drive you home if you want. Jane smiles secretly. Jane: Thanks a lot. Let's get 'em outta here. Adam pulls Jesse to his feet while Daria and Jane handle Trent. He and Jesse groan, unable to stand on their own. Trent: Sorry about this Daria. Didn't mean to ruin your night. Daria: Don't worry about it. This was definitely... entertaining. Trent: I'm not bleeding on you, am I? Daria: Let's just go. They do. 26- EXT. MACK'S HOUSE. NIGHT. Jesse is in the back seat of Adam's car. Trent leans on it haggardly and Adam hands him a whiskey flask. Trent swigs thankfully. Adam: (To Jane) Alright, so you'll show me how to get to Jesse's house. Are you sure it's that hard to find? Jane: (Never more sure of anything in her life) Yes. You won't be able to get there without me. Daria raises her eyebrows questioningly, and Jane shoots her a silencing look. Adam: Okay, and then I'll drop you off back at your house. Daria, you can get Trent home in his car? Daria's POV. Pan as she looks to Trent, then to Jane- who glances at Adam and gestures for Daria to go, then back to Trent, and then to Adam. Close-up on Daria. Daria: Yes. Yes, I can. Adam: Great. Ready to go? Trent: Yeah. (He hands the flask back to him.) Thanks for everything. Adam: No problem. These things are always fun when they happen to someone else. (Shaking Daria's hand) Good job tonight, Daria, I'll have you on my crew any day. Daria: Count me in. Unless of course there's some kind of play involved. Adam gets in the car. Jane helps Daria ease Trent into the passenger seat of his own car. Jane: Don't worry, Big Bro. I'm sure when we get home Mom'll make you a nice hot bowl of chicken soup. Wait, never mind, that's somebody else's mom. Trent: Good one, Janey. Like we're some TV family or something. Jane: Well, laughter is the best medicine. Though you can make penecillin out of moldy pizza crust. She closes the door. Jane: So, Daria, when exactly did you get a Driver's License? Daria: Right about when Jesse's house became impossible to find. Jane: Oh, right, then. Now I remember. (Then, quietly) Hey, we're being watched. Daria: Interesting time to worry about government intelligence. Jane: Not intelligence. Brittany. She points. Brittany watches them out the window. Caught, she ducks out of sight. Daria: My mistake. More fuel for the rumor mill. Jane: It's always good to throw 'em a bone every now and then. They're Union, after all. Adam honks his horn. Jane shrugs her eyebrows suggestively and goes over to the car. Daria goes for her own door handle, pauses. She opens the door, gets in, and buckles her seat belt. She puts her hand on the key, pauses. She looks at Trent, who is now asleep in the seat, and shakes her head. She turns the key and the car starts, with The Eagles' "Life In The Fast Lane" coming from the radio. Daria smiles and they drive off. CUT TO CREDITS