A Very Cynical Christmas

A VERY CYNICAL CHRISTMAS
Uncut with Alternate Ending

by Warpedkjh13

SCENE ONE: MR O'NEILL'S CLASSROOM

(The class is over decorated for Christmas.)

O'NEILL: With only three minutes of the school year left, why don't we sing a special Christmas song?

KEVIN: I know! A hundred bottles of egg nog on the wall, a hundred bottles of egg nog...

O'NEILL: Oh, darn it.

(The bell rings.)

O'NEILL: Class dismissed.

(The class whoop and run out. Daria and Jane walk out at their own pace.)

JANE: Christmas.

DARIA: I hate the way it's been over commercialised. Even TV shows have their own crappy holiday specials.

JANE: Bah humbug. So, going out to egg Brittany's house tonight?

DARIA: Nah.

JANE: What is it with you and Christmas?

DARIA: Exactly! It is Christmas. I really want to spend time with my family.

JANE (shocked): Daria? Have you hit your head or something? Call an ambulance!

DARIA: Isn't Christmas about spending time with your family, no matter how dumb they may be?

ANDREA: No, it's about defacing public property.

JANE: See?

DARIA (angrily): Look. I don't care what you are going to do tonight, just leave me out of it.

(Daria storms off.)

SCENE TWO: MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM

(Only Helen is in the room. She is getting ready to leave. Daria walks in.)

HELEN: Oh, Daria. I'm going Christmas shopping at the Mall of the Millennium.

DARIA: The Mall of the Millennium?

HELEN: And you're coming with me.

SCENE THREE: THE CAR

(Helen and Daria are on their way.)

HELEN: Okay, don't worry. Everybody has probably already done their Christmas- oh no!

(Helen catches a glimpse of the Mall. The car park is packed.)

DARIA: Maybe we ought to park here and catch a bus.

SCENE THREE: MALL

(Daria and Helen are very, very tired. They have obviously parked their car far away and walked to the mall.)

HELEN: We're... (puff)... here.

DARIA: My sarcasm knows no limits.

SCENE FOUR: INSIDE THE MALL

(Helen and Daria are inside the mall.)

HELEN: What first? Okay, I think we can get something CHEAP for Rita.

DARIA: You really love your sisters, don't you?

SCENE FIVE: SUPERMARKET

(Helen and Daria are in line. There is an obviously inexperienced boy at the counter.)

BAGBOY: Hello.

HELEN: Hello, bag boy.

(The bag boy puts everything in a bag. We hear some glass breaking.)

BAGBOY: Whoops.

(Helen makes a slightly miffed face while Daria stands in front of her abd smirks.)

SCENE SIX: THE CAR

HELEN: I am never going back there again!

DARIA: Thank God.

(The car phone rings.)

HELEN: Hello? Oh hiiii, Eric! We're on our way back from the Mall of the Millennium... talk about inexperience!

(Fade out.)

THE END
Written December 4, 2001