Disclaimer: Daria and all related characters are the property of MTV

A New Experience
By
Steve Mitchell


(It's a lazy Sunday afternoon in Lawndale. Jane and Daria are seen In Daria's room. Jane is busy painting a picture of Daria In Jane's typical Garb. Daria is busy looking under her bed for a video of Sick Sad World: uncut.)

Jane: Hey Daria, what do you think of this painting so far? I call it "A Change of Pace". (Daria is to busy looking under the bed to answer her) (looking down at the end of Daria that is sticking out from under the bed) Hey Daria's ass, Have you seen Daria anywhere? I tried to ask her a question but for some reason you're the only end I could get a hold of. (Daria crawls out from under the bed and gives Jane a bizarre look.) Why did that sound particularly bad.?

Daria: (cocks an eyebrow) So..Any alternate lifestyles you've been hiding from me?

Jane: (smirks) Not bloody likely.

Daria: Okay, So now that you've got my undivided attention. What's this painting you want to show me.

Jane: (turning the easel around) What do you think?

Daria: Oh I like it. I've always pictured myself as you Jane.

Jane: Oh, You mean beautiful and Talented?

Daria: No, as the sister of a guy I really like.

Jane: (smirks) You ARE a sick puppy aren't you.

Daria: And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Jane: One of the many reasons I'm so proud to be your friend. (Sighs and lays her paint brush down on the easel) So now that that's done, what do you want to do now?

Daria: I don't know. I can't find the tape so we can't watch Sick Sad World. What else is there to do?

Jane: (looks out the window) Hmm, It's a beautiful day. You could go running with me.

Daria:(frowns) No way, The last time I went running with you I almost dropped dead from trying to keep up.

Jane: All the more reason to come along. You'll get into better shape so maybe THIS time you'll only drop dead after trying to stay ahead.

Daria: Still no deal.

Jane: Damn! (Examines Daria's heart model) Okay so what then?

(Quinn pops her head in the door)

Quinn: Daria?

Daria: (perks her head up but doesn't turn around) Yes Satan? (Turns to look at Quinn) Oh sorry, I thought you were someone else. So for what reason do you darken my doorway?

Quinn: Ha, Ha Daria, very funny, listen the fashion club is coming over. We're going to have a meeting on the latest cosmetics for the upcoming millennium and we really need our privacy and stuff so could you possibly stay in your room or go out somewhere? You know just so I don't have to be seen around you. I mean you're way to unfashionable and you'd probably permanently damage my reputation.

Daria: You Know Quinn sometimes your so shallow it almost seems like depth.

Quinn: Thanks! (Daria rolls her eye's)

Daria: (glances at Jane and smirks)Hmm.. I might consider it, but you know Quinn, Favors like this don't come cheap.

Quinn: Oh come ON Daria, Do it because were sisters.

Daria: Gee Quinn, I thought we were COUSINS.

Quinn: Oh come on Daria, You CAN'T expect me to tell people you're my sister. I mean You're a brain for god's sake.

Daria: Wow, Now I'm really motivated to leave.

Jane: I thought I sensed an increase in the energy level of this room.

Quinn: So you'll leave?

Daria: Nope. I think I'll just hang around you guys for the rest of the day. You know, just to keep myself busy. Maybe I can offer my own Advice for the new millennium.

Quinn: EEWW! Unfashionable advice is definitely a Don't in the Fashion club.

Jane: Hey, Can I stay too? I'd love to hear about new cosmetics. They make for great abstract art. Hell we could be here all day on this one.

Quinn: (stomps her foot) All right, all right. Twenty?

Jane: I don't know Daria, She did cast some pretty harsh insults there.

Daria: I know. Twenty dollars couldn't possibly compensate me for such a traumatic experience. (Smirks) Make it forty.

Quinn: Twenty five.

Daria: Thirty five.

Quinn: Thirty

Daria: Done. (Quinn forks over the cash) Pleasure doing business with you.

(Cut to Daria and Jane outside in the driveway in front of Daria's car)

Jane: Hmm..I wonder if we should have held out for more.

Daria: No, I don't think we could have gotten much more out of her. My mom made her pay for her own clothes this month so she's pretty much tapped out.

Jane: And you so graciously absorbed whatever cash she had left leaving her pathetically broke.

Daria: Yea, I should feel ashamed.

Jane: So do you?

Daria: Nope, doesn't bother me one bit.

Jane: Cool, I was afraid you were getting soft on me.

Daria: No softer then titanium alloy.

(Daria and Jane get into Daria's car and close the doors)

Jane: Just out of curiosity where are we headed?

Daria: I guess we could put this new found money to good use and go for a burger.

Jane: No pizza today?

Daria: Nah, The pizza place is closed on Sunday's. Besides I was in the mood for something different anyway. (Starts the car and pulls away from the driveway)

(Cut to the local burger world)

(Daria is seen parking the car)

Daria: (as she exits the car) God I hate parallel parking.

Jane: (looks at the crummy job she did at it) I can see why. You could probably fit a motorcycle in the amount of space between your car and the curb.

Daria: Thanks Jane, Your support on the matter is overwhelming.

Jane: I know, I should probably tone it down a bit.

Daria: (rolls her eyes) Just lock the damn door.

Jane: Thy will be done M'lady.

(Jane slams the door and The both of them move to cross the street)

Jane: (once the two of them have gotten to the other side) Dammit!!

Daria: What?

Jane: I forgot my sketch book in the car. I wanted to get some caricatures of the disgruntled fry cook that works here. Daria toss me your keys.

Daria: (sighs) I'll get it. You head on in and get us a table.

Jane; (shrugs) Okey dokey then. (Heads inside the restaurant)

(Daria looks both ways and from her point of view there does not appear to be any cars coming and Daria starts across the street. Unfortunately the frames of Daria's glasses blocked her from seeing a compact car approaching from the far left and Daria is struck by the car. She fly's up over the hood and caves in the windshield then rolls off about twenty five yards down the middle of the street.)

(Daria from her point of view on the ground see's Jane come running out of the restaurant yelling but not to where she is)

Jane: OH MY GOD DARIA!! (Looks at a bystander) Call 911 for god's sake . Don't just stand there. (The bystander whips out a cell phone and begins to dial)

Daria: (From her POV gets up and calls to Jane) Jane, I'm over here. (Jane doesn't hear her) Yo Jane. It's okay I'm fine. (Jane still does not hear her) Hello! Are you deaf or something? (Daria walks over to where Jane is kneeling and comes to a slow stop as a horrified look comes over her face. Jane is kneeling on the ground in front of the car next to Daria's bloodied body.) (Slowly) Oh my god!

(an ambulance is heard in the distance as police cars begin to arrive)

(Cut to inside the ambulance as it speeds to the hospital)

(Jane is sitting across from the EMT's as they do their work on Daria)

Jane: (steady stream of tears running down her cheek) Come on Daria, Don't leave me. Your stronger than any of us. Fight for me.

(That which is truly Daria is sitting on the other side of the ambulance attempting to make sense of everything that has happened so far)

Daria: Jane this can't be possible, I'm right here. (Waves frantically at Jane) I don't believe this, It was bad enough when people TREATED me like I was invisible.

(Cut to the hospital a few hours later)

(Daria's body has been placed on life support. Jane along with Daria's family are sitting in the waiting room as the doctor attempts to explain the situation to them)

Helen: (bursting into tears) Oh my god, My little girl. How could this happen to her?

Jake: (to the doctor while holding Helen) Isn't there ANYTHING you can do?

Dr. Philips: At the moment we're doing everything in our power. She's sustained some pretty substantial injuries and at the moment she's not breathing on her own.

Jane: Is she going to make it?

Dr. Phillips: (sighs and looks down) I don't know, The whole situation is fluid right now. It could go either way so it's a wait and see deal.

Jake: (grabs hold of the doctors coat) Listen Doc. I don't care how much it costs, I'll give you everything I've got just don't let her die.

Dr. Phillips: (calmly) Mr. Morgandorffer, I assure you I will do everything in my power to prevent that. Now would you please release me?

Jake: (releases him) I'm sorry Doc. I just...I just don't know what to do right now. (Places his head in his hands)

Quinn: Can we go in to see her?

Dr, Phillips: (looks down and sighs) I realize how you all must feel but for right now, however I think the best thing for her at this moment is rest. (Thinks for a moment) I don't know where you stand on religion but if it brings you any peace of mind there's a church on the second floor. Every little bit helps.

Helen: (anger in her voice) Doctor I have to see my daughter. I'm not going to stand here while you people let her slip through the cracks. (Begins to yell) Now you let me in there Or I swear to god I'll...

Dr. Phillips: All right, all right, I 'll let you and Jake in, but one at a time.

Helen: (calms down realizing the scene she was making) We appreciate that Dr. I'm sorry, I just want to stay as close as possible to my daughter.

Dr. Phillips: No problem, I'll arrange for the nurses to allow you all to stay past visiting ours if you like.

Helen: Thank you doctor.

(Helen Walks into Daria's room slowly as looks at her daughter lying motionless in her bed with several machines hooked up to her.)

(Doctor Phillips walks off to the nurses station and begins jotting things down on Daria's chart)

Daria: Hmm...it sounds like mom is going to get mushy on me. This COULD be interesting. (Follows Helen into the room)

(Helen moves next to Daria's bed and sits down as she begins to talk out loud)

Helen: (placing her hand on Daia's) Oh sweetie....I...uh..(Laughs nervously) I've never been good at telling people how I really feel, I guess it sort of runs in the family. (Beat) I know I've never really dedicated enough time to you, spending to much time with work and everything. That never meant that I didn't care, I just know that your more self sufficient than your sister. You always have been. (Moment of silence) I...I'm sorry for pushing you to be someone your not. I just want you to live up to your potential. (Sniffs) I hope you can hear me. (Gets up and leaves the room) (Daria does not immediately follow)

Daria: (looks down as her mother leaves) Aw hell..

Helen: (rubs her eye's as she comes out of Daria's room) God I need some coffee. Walk with me Jakie, I don't want to be alone right now. (The two of them walk off to find a coffee machine)

(Daria exits the room and continues listening to people talk about her)

(a bell is heard and Trent is seen coming out of the elevator and walking toward the group)

Daria: (turns and looks) Oh Thank god, Trent you've got to talk to these people. Tell them I'm all right. (Trent continues to walk toward her and then through her still heading to where Jane is sitting) (amazed) He went right through me... like I wasn't even there. Great, It's not bad enough that the popular people ignore me. Now the living are ignoring me.

Trent: Hey Janie, How is she?

Jane: Not good, she's on life support.

Trent: Aw man...How could this have happened.

Quinn:(snaps) Yea, Jane couldn't you have looked out for her or something. I mean god, you're her friend.

Jane: (defensively)What?? I was in the restaurant for crying out loud what did you want me to do?

Quinn: If it weren't for YOU she wouldn't be lying there all gross and unconscious and stuff.

Daria: (talking to herself) Quinn actually gives a damn? Now that IS a news flash.

Jane: Me? I didn't have anything to do with the accident. It was that stupid drivers fault, if you want to rip somebodies head off and crap down their neck then go do it to him.

Quinn: You're the one who sent her to go get your stupid book.

Jane: I didn't SEND her to get anything. She offered to go get it.

Quinn: Well you still let het go. It should have been YOU! (An extremely hurt look comes over Jane's face followed by one of anger)

Jane: (points at Quinn) Now you listen to me you shallow, superficial, pompous little shit. Daria is my best friend, and if you think I'd allow anything to happen to her If I could prevent it Then you obviously don't understand how careful Daria is at choosing her friends. Now you either shut the hell up or...

Trent: Whoa! Take it easy, your all coming apart at the seams. This isn't doing Daria a bit of good you know.

Daria: (Is still watching) (smiles) So...not so oblivious as we were led to believe. So much the better. (Looks at Jane with her usual deadpan expression) Go home Jane, I Don't think I'll be going anywhere.

Quinn:(looks down) Sorry Jane, it's just...well, I've never been able to tell her how I feel, you know, because we're so different and all. I guess I'm being a little protective. She's the only big sister I have. I actually kind of admire her. She's so smart and witty, all I have is my popularity which isn't worth a whole lot when you think about it. (Laughs weakly) It'd be kind of awkward if she knew we were acting like this because of her. You won't tell her what I said will you?

Daria: (looking at Quinn) (smiles) She doesn't need to Quinn, But thanks anyway.

Jane: You know, normally I couldn't wait to tell her something embarrassing about you. But under the circumstances...I'll sit on this one.

Quinn: Thanks Jane.

Trent: (sits down thoughtfully) She let me teach her to play the guitar a little bit.

Jane;(surprised) She did? Whoa, when was this?

Trent: A few months ago.

Jane: You and Daria were alone in the basement together. Well this I'd defiantly like to hear.

Trent: It's kind of a long story.

Jane: Yea well, it looks like we have a little time to waste here so talk away.

Trent: Hmm..I guess. Like I said it was a few months ago...

(Fade to Trent's basement earlier in the year)

(Trent is sitting on some boxes with his guitar in hand. Daria comes down the basement stairs while yelling back to Jane who is in the kitchen)

Daria: Where the hell did you say those cans of paint were?

Trent: Hey Daria

Daria: (Turns to see him and blushes as if she had been caught playing with herself or something) Um..uh.. Hey Trent, I didn't know you were down here. Usually we can here you down the block.

Trent: (laughs/coughs) Yea, that amp STILL makes the people down the street wet the bed. (Cocks an eyebrow) So what brings YOU down here?

Daria: Jane ran out of paint so she asked if I could come down here and find the spare cans she has down here.

Trent: Cool.

Daria: (looks at a piece of paper Trent is holding) Writing a new song?

Trent: I WAS, (reluctantly) I can't seem to think of any lyrics at the moment though.

Daria: Oh, sorry to hear that Trent.

Trent: Yea, This is all I've written so far. It's not much.

Daria: (Reading aloud) Silence. That's it? Just one word?

Trent: I couldn't think of anything to go with it.(looks at her for a moment) Do you play at all Daria?

Daria: Not really, I learned a little at camp when I was a kid but I wasn't any good at it.

Trent: To bad. (Thinks for a moment) Want to see if you still remember any of it?

Daria: No, That's okay Trent. I'd probably send you screaming into the night.

Trent: (laugh/coughs) Are you sure? Even if your rusty I doubt your that bad.

Daria: Don't be so sure about that.

Trent: Come on, Give it a try Daria. I'd like to hear you play.

Daria: (sighs) Okay, you asked for it. (Walks over to Trent and picks up the guitar) (she then begins to play a few cords)

Trent: Hmm, not bad. Try this. (Trent stands behind her, holds her hands and shows her a better technique to playing the strings)

Daria: (Blushes as Trent guides her hands through the chords) Your good at this. You should teach.

Trent: (Laugh/coughs) Nah, I still can't master that open D tuning.

Daria: I hadn't noticed.

(Fade back to the hospital)

Jane: Wait a minute! You were standing behind Daria practically holding her in your arms. You saw the way her face lit up, You KNOW how she feels about you... and NOTHING happened?

Trent: (shrugs his shoulders) What did you WANT to happen?

Jane: (throws her arms up) Oh my GOD you are so oblivious Trent.

Trent: No...I'm not. I just make it a point not to make moves on someone when they're most vulnerable.

(Daria as she is listening raises an eyebrow in surprise then slowly smiles)

Quinn: Wait, I have a story.

Jane: (cups her face in her hands) Oh god no...

Trent: I think now's a good time for me to spontaneously fall into a deep coma like sleep. Have fun Janie. (Trent curls up in his chair and drops off to sleep just like that)

Jane: How DOES he do that?

Quinn: (obliviously starts talking up a storm) It was that time when Daria let me borrow her outfit for the fashion don't party. God, I can't believe I wore that thing. Anyway, as unfashionable as that thing is it was actually comfortable. And I thought...

(cut to Later that night)

(Jake and Helen are seen sleeping on couches rather uncomfortably)

(Trent has long since been bored to sleep from Quinn's story telling. Jane Is just falling asleep even though Quinn is STILL Talking)

Jane: Quinn...to boring...must resist. (The sound of Jane snoring is then heard)

Quinn: Jane? Are you asleep or something? GOD, you people are rude. (Looks around and spots a nearby doctor) Excuse me, Can you get me a soda?

(Daria is still standing nearby watching)

Daria: (to herself) I can't believe everybody is making this big of a fuss over me. I have to admit though it IS rather comforting.

Voice: What is?

Daria:(Jumps) Aahh!! (Daria turns to see a tall man wearing Khaki's, a same color shirt, black boots and a black ankle length duster.) Don't DO that. (Thinks for a moment) Wait..you can see me?

Man: (chuckles) Of coarse I can. I can see you, hear you, Pat you on the head if I wanted to

Daria: Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence. I guess that means your in the same boat as me then huh?

Man:(thinks for a moment) Sort of but not exactly.

Daria: (frowns) What the hell does that mean?

Man: (doesn't answer the question but turns and Looks at everyone sleeping in the waiting room) What's going on?

Daria: I had an accident.

Voice: I'm sorry to hear that. (Points to Jane, Quinn, Helen, Jake, and Trent sleeping in the waiting room) They're your family?

Daria: And friends. (Thinks for a moment) So what's with the twenty questions?

Voice: Just taking in the situation.

Daria: Uh huh...I don't suppose your going to tell me who you are? Or do I get to read your mind.

Man: (Looks lost in thought for a moment) Huh? Oh I'm sorry. (Extends his hand to shake Daria's) I'm the angel of death. (Daria just looks at him for a moment) What? You were expecting the grim reaper?

Daria: Uh..no, I just didn't think...

Death: That I'd look like an average person? Just about everything you've heard is stereotypical of something people don't understand.

Daria: Um..all right then. What about the light that people say they walk toward at the end of a tunnel?

Death: (chuckles) That's a trick I use on people who aren't exactly the brightest crayon in the box. You know, when It's not their time yet. I hold a flashlight in front of their face so they can't see anything and I lure them back to their own bodies.

Daria: Um..okay. Anyway what I was originally going to say was that...

Death: That you didn't think you'd be seeing me so soon?

Daria: Um..yea. I mean I have to admit, I thought there would be a little more to my life than THIS.

Death: Life is what YOU make it Daria.

Daria: Great, Then what you're saying is that I'm responsible for making my OWN life a living hell.

Death: Well, Not entirely. The vast hords of morons that are being born into this world Do play a large roll in it.

Daria: A fact That I am already well aware of. (Beat) So is death your first or last name?

Death: Neither actually, It's just a job title. You can call me Paul.

Daria: Um...okay, Paul. So if you're here talking to me, then I take it I'm dead?

Paul: Funny you should mention that. (Whips out a pocket size computer) Last time I checked, you and I didn't have an appointment for (looks at the screen and whistles) Oh, a good long time.

Daria: Meaning?

Paul: Meaning That this isn't your time. (Sighs) But....given that you've been out of your body for a prolonged period of time without even attempting to return leaves me with a decision to make.

Daria: (frowns) And that would be what?

Paul: Well, you see we have certain procedures to follow in cases like this. After such an incident the person is given a certain amount of time to return to their life. If they don't I have to decide whether to take them early or give them another chance. Frankly Daria, your grace period has expired.

Daria: Wait, You mean I could have ended this nightmare at any time?

Paul: (shakes his head yes)You Know Daria, Your injuries weren't immediately life threatening. You made it to the hospital in plenty of time. The only difference is that you received a large enough jolt to toss you out of your own body. (Thinks for a moment) Typically people are so eager to go on living that they don't require my intervention. But I guess that's not the case here.

Daria: No that's NOT the case here, I Do wish to go on living. Preferably without Quinn in my way all the time but I'll take what I can get.

Paul: (Chuckles) She IS a pain in the butt isn't she. (Thinks for a moment) Think of her as god's way of keeping you humble and appreciative of what you have.

Daria: I guess. (Thinks for a moment) You said we didn't have an appointment for a good long time. About how long is that?

Paul: Ever watch "The Highlander"?

Daria: You've got to be KIDDING!

Paul: Yes.. I am. Seriously though, I can't divulge that information.

Daria: (looks down) Damn!

(They both walk into Daria's hospital room)

Daria: So how's this work?

Paul: Just lie down into your body, Simple as that.

Daria; Cool.(moves toward her body)

Paul: Just be ready to feel everything you've been through. That's the only plus side to being cut off from your own body, You can't feel the injuries.

Daria: Wonderful, I just hope they have a lot of pain killers to shoot me up with. (Takes another step toward her body)

Paul: Oh and Daria, one more thing.

Daria:(turns to face him) Yes?

Paul: Tell Jake to lay off the guacamole, I usually don't make it a habit of giving out extensions but he was so adamant about seeing you walk down the isle someday, I guess my heart just went out to him and I told him I'd wait until an undetermined amount of years after that event. Depends on how his life goes.

Daria: I see. What is it with him and my getting married someday? I don't even have a boyfriend.

Paul: I know...but things change. Besides he's so proud of who you've become I just couldn't take that from him.

Daria: (sighs) Well, I guess the man's got to live for something. I'm not making any promises though. (Beat) Hey wait, Does that mean that if I don't get married someday then he'll live forever?

Paul: (frowns) Don't push your luck.

Daria: Damn! And I could have spent the rest of my life happy too.

Paul: (looks at Daria) Ready?

Daria: Raring. (Daria lies down on her body and the scene dissolves to bright white light.

(Cut to The waiting room in the morning)

Nurse: (shakes Helen) Ms. Morgendorffer?

Helen: Huh... what?

Nurse: Ms. Morgandorffer...Your daughter is awake and has been taken off life support.

Helen: (wide eyed) What! (Attempts to jump up and run to Daria's room) Ow! Damn, cramp..ow I think I pulled something. (She eventually makes it to Daria's room to see her lying in her bed with her eye's open.)

Daria: (turns her head slowly) (Mutters) Hey mom. (Helen runs up and gives Daria a stiff hug) Ahh! Road rash...road rash, Don't touch.

Helen: (let's go) I'm sorry sweetie, It's just..I'm so glad your okay.

(Jane, Trent and Jake stand in the doorway and watch Helen make a huge fuss over Daria).

Jane: (turns to Trent) Got a Polaroid?

(Cut to Later that Day)

Dr. Phillips: Frankly Daria, I'm amazed you came around so quickly. Typically it takes someone weeks to come off life support.

Daria: I guess I'm just one of those special patients that defy the laws of medicine.

Dr. Phillips: (Finishes jotting something down on Daria's chart) I'll stop back later to check up on you.

Jane: (Knocks on the door frame to Daria's room) Hey Daria, How are you feeling today?

Daria:(groans) Like I've been run over.

Jane: And you dress the part too. (Moves to sit on the edge of Daria's bed) What did the doctor say?

Daria: I've got a nasty concussion, my left leg is broken and I've got road rash and bruises all over... and This hospital doesn't get Sick Sad World on the Tv.

Jane: Ooh! You are in hell aren't you.

Daria: No, But it's a close second.

Jane: I can't see how. (Looks at Daria's injuries) Geez Daria, You never do anything on a small scale do you.

Daria: Who else do you know that can turn getting a sketch book into a circus event.

Jane: (chuckles) What can I say, you're a pro. By the way...Trent's been asking about you.

Daria: Trent?

Jane: Yea, You know, about five foot ten, black mussed hair, falls asleep a lot.

Daria: I'm familiar with his appearance thank you.

Jane: So anyway, he was really concerned. Started talking some jibberish about you learning to play the guitar.

Daria: (smiles) I know...he doesn't like to make moves on people when they're most vulnerable.

Jane: (surprised) Whoa, He told you that?

Daria: Not directly, I'm just a good eavesdropper.

Jane: (amused) I see. So, Any dreams run through your head while you were out?

Daria: Yea, I had an interesting chat with the angel of death.

Jane: Really? What did he look like? Let me guess, a skull for a face and a black holocaust cloak right?

Daria: Actually, he was about six foot four with Long brown hair and a fair complexion. He was wearing Khaki's, boots, and an ankle length duster.

Jane: Whoa, Death sounds cute. So what did you talk about?

Daria: Oh, not much. We mostly listened to you guys talking in the waiting room.

(An extremely amused expression comes over Jane's face)

Roll ending credits:

An comments may be directed to wildgoose@prodigy.com

(Show alter ego's of the characters)

Jane as a race car driver

Quinn as a beanie baby

Jake as Mills Lane from Celebrity Death Match

Helen as a Smurf

Daria as a police officer

Mr. O'Neill as Jean Luc Picard

Mr. DeMartino as MIB

Ms. Li as a mug shot

Jodie as a wookie

Mack as a grateful dead bear

Ms. Barch as a knight

Mr. DeMartino as Peter Pan

Ms. Defoe as an expectant mother