FOREWORD: Okay, before you start reading there are a couple of things you should know: First of all - I don't live in the US. I live in Finland. This results in (at least) three things: 1) My language skills. A big thank you to everyone who has e-mailed me telling me the language is fine. Because of this I think I can cut down on this disclaimer, but *should* you notice any ridiculous mistakes, you know the reason... 2) My knowledge of US culture. I don't know a whole lot about for instance the US school system etc. There are a lot of details about every day life that I have no way of knowing, and this limits my scope. 3) You are way ahead in the airings. In Finland we've only seen two seasons so far. In this 'fic I have, however tried to use all my knowledge of the events in season 3 as well. (You can't hang around the OD message board for very long without getting *some* idea about what's happened.) My knowledge is limited, though so please keep that in mind. This is my third fanfic. (The first one being "End weekend, end", the second being "Hotter than Hades".) Again a big thank you, to everyone who sent me feedback on them. I really appreciate it, and of course I am grateful for any feedback I might receive on this story as well. One more thing. I've tried to keep everything as real as possible and I've tried to write the story in such a way that the reader, with the help of his/her imagination could create the illusion of actually watching a real "Daria"-episode. Now I guess that was about it, let the show begin... Daria in "A lousy deal" by Daniel Suni (c) December 1999 OPEN WITH: (A shot of a TV-screen. We see a car driving very fast along a dirt road raising a huge cloud of dust.) SSW NARRATOR: He's got the nation's third largest collection of traffic violation tickets, and... CUT TO: (A room full of, more or less twisted, stuffed animals.) SSW NARRATOR: ...THE ABSOLUTELY LARGEST COLLECTION OF ROADKILLS IN THE WORLD! (pause) The rally-driving taxidermist, coming up next, on Sick Sad World! CUT TO: INT.: MORGENDORFFER'S RESIDENCE. DARIA'S ROOM. (Jane and Daria are sitting on the bed watching SSW.) JANE: Hey, I bet you could break his record before turning forty if you just set your mind to it. You've already proven you have a natural talent. DARIA: I bet I could break your arm in less than forty seconds, *without* even putting my mind to it. JANE: Oh. Well, as one of our acquaintances would put it: (Upchuck imitation.) Gr-r-r. *Feisty*. DARIA: Of course, you realise that any jury would consider *that* an additional extenuating circumstance. JANE: (Teasing.) Daria, Daria. You've become so touchy. (pause) What happened to that wonderful sensitive person I once knew? DARIA: She died as your liver cleansed your body from the toxins you had ingested, and the part of your brain that had not been dissolved returned to a state of relative functionality. JANE: HEY! HOW'D YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?! DARIA: (Surprised at first, then smirks.) I didn't. (pause) But it sounds very interesting. Please go on. JANE: (Angry at herself. She should have realised Daria was just smart-assing.) Oh, come on. (pause) Besides. I'm seventeen[*], it's perfectly legal... (Pause. Daria cocks a questioning eyebrow.) JANE: ...in Germany. [*]: It's been my understanding that each Daria season represents 6 months in "Lawndale time". Since Daria was 16 when the show started, and she and Jane are about the same age, I assume it was Jane's 17:th birthday that was celebrated at the very end of season 2, in "Pierce me". (The line would work even if she was only 16, though.) DARIA: Well that's an interesting perspective, Fräulein Lane. JANE: I hate you. I really do. DARIA: Well, nobody's perfect. JANE: (Checks her watch.) Anyway... I've gotta go. I promised Trent that I'd be there when Mystik Spiral rehearses. DARIA: Why's that? JANE: So that when I grow old, I can be one of these really annoying old hags, who don't hear a thing and who reply with a "WHAT?!" to everything people try to say to them. DARIA: I think hearing loss usually comes naturally. It's not really something you need to work on... Besides I've heard that tinnitus can be a real pain. JANE: Nah. The real reason is that they want someone to offer them constructive criticism on a couple of new songs they've got. (pause) Wanna tag along? DARIA: No thanks. I'm quite satisfied with my hearing, thank you. QUINN [V.O.]: (Whining.) But moooom! I really *need* that dress. (Pause. Apparently Helen didn't care about that. She continues by whining to no one in particular.) This sucks! Some people are just so selfish, and show no consideration for other peoples needs. DARIA: Well, most of the time anyway... JANE: (Smirking.) Are you, *reeeally* sure you don't want to come? I think the *guitarist* in the band, might appreciate it. DARIA: You're living dangerously Lane. JANE: (Leaning closer toward Daria.) Come, on. I know you want to go. DARIA: (Grabs Jane by the collar with her left hand, closes her right hand into a fist, and lifts it to the same level as Jane's face.) And that *per definition* means a high probability of getting hurt. JANE: Hmmm, I'll take that as a "no". DARIA: (Lets go of Jane.) A razor sharp observation Sherlock. JANE: (Stands up.) Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then. DARIA: (Monotone voice, as if this is a line she's used many times before.) Same time, same place, unless someone blows up the school, in which case we head over to Pizza King to celebrate. JANE: (Gives a thumbs up as she heads for the door.) Roger. CUT TO: EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. NEXT MORNING. (Daria & Jane are heading toward the entrance.) DARIA: Darn. It's still here. JANE: I guess those Libyans were just too smart to believe my story about the underground bunker filled with valuable Government intelligence files. DARIA: Better luck next time. CUT TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. MS BARCH'ES CLASS. MS BARCH: Now. I expect all of you to hand in your biology papers on parasites by the beginning of next week. Three pages minimum, and should any despicable MALE (Waves her pointer at Kevin in a threatening manner.) DECIDE TO USE TRIPLE SPACING OR HUGE FONTS *AGAIN*, HE'LL AUTOMATICALLY GET AN "F"!!! BRITTANY: Does that mean it's okay for *me* to do it? MS BARCH: If you want better than a "D-", no. BRITTANY: That's great! Thanks! KEVIN: Hey, but that's not fair! MS BARCH: SHUT UP!!! (Kevin covers.) JANE: (To Daria.) Parasites. (pause) Piece of cake. Just write three pages about how men take advantage of women, and the "A+" is yours. DARIA: (Smirking.) Yes, and for Mr. O'Neill I thought I could write about how some people can take advantage of certain personality defects in others, in order to gain benefit for themselves. JANE: You're talking about that presentation he wanted on the importance of rethorics? DARIA: Yeah, what else? JANE: Damn, you. I had almost managed to forget about that one, and now you had to remind me. DARIA: Sorry to disturb your blissful ignorance. JANE: Don't worry. I will have forgotten all about it by the end of the week. DARIA: Umm, the assignment is *due* this Friday. JANE: Will you shut up already. CUT TO: THE GIRLS' BATHROOM. (The fashion club is performing the usual grooming rituals.) STACY: (Holds up a black scrunchy.) Oh, no. I brought a *black* scrunchy! I thought it was dark blue. TIFFANY: Ooooh. Bummer. STACY: But black doesn't go together with my shirt at *all*! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! QUINN: Calm down, okay. Let me see here... (Searches her backpack.) Hmm... No... No... (Looks at Stacy, as if to get a fresh reference.) Ick..! No... HERE! (Produces a scrunchy from her backpack.) This is really a carmine colour, but I think it'll do. SANDI: At least as a temporary replacement for the day. (Stacy gasps at Sandi's comment.) TIFFANY: But it's much better than black, though. SANDI: Anything would be better than black, but as I said: It *will* do for the day. (This calms Stacy.) STACY: (Ties her hair to a ponytail using the scrunchy.) Thanks Quinn. You'll get it back tomorrow. QUINN: Don't mention it. (Tiffany drops her hairbrush to the floor by mistake.) TIFFANY: Damn! (Picks up the brush. She notices the handle is broken.) Damn! SANDI: Don't worry. You can borrow mine. TIFFANY: Thanks. (Picks up Sandi's brush and starts brushing her hair.) CUT TO: THE CAFETERIA. (Daria & Jane are sitting at their usual places.) DARIA: He took it surprisingly well. JANE: Well, you know Mack. He has the temperament of a lamb. (Daria gives Jane a questioning look.) JANE: Well, how else can you make the equation of a decent intellect, the amount of time he has to spend with Kevin, and the fact that Lawndale High's star quarterback is still alive, fit? DARIA: I see your point. (pause) But getting detention for no reason whatsoever? I know *I'd* be pissed. JANE: (Picks up a sandwich.) Who wouldn't? I bet he was a lot more--- JODIE [V.O.]: Hey, guys! (Jodie enters the view. She's panting heavily. She's obviously been running. She has, what appears to be a poster rolled up in one hand.) DARIA: Well, well. You're in a hurry. Are you training for the school's Marathon runners club, or do you need us to help you make plans to rescue prince Mack from detention hall after school? JODIE: What?! JANE: Miss Barch. JODIE: Again? (pause) Oh, never mind. I really need your help. DARIA: (Turns her back to Jane.) Do I have a sign on my back that reads "Official assistant of Lawndale High"? JANE: (Checks her back.)Kick me! (pause) I love you! - Charles Ruttheimer III (pause) Eat at Joe's (pause) Nope. Nothing about "assistant" anywhere. JODIE: Come on guys. Quit fooling around. JANE: So what is it about? (A speaker crackles and we hear Miss Li's voice over the intercom.) MS LI: Attention all students. I have a very important announcement to make. Nurse Chase brought this matter to my attention only twenty minutes ago. (pause) It would appear that we have at least three confirmed cases of *lice* in our school... CUT TO: THE HALLWAY. (The F.C. is standing by some lockers listening to the message.) MS LI: ...It is still too early to be talking about an epidemic, and there is absolutely no reason to panic, but all students are advised *not* to share any headwear, such as baseball caps, headbands and scrunchies with one another... (At the word "scrunchy" everybody looks at Stacy. Stacy looks at Quinn.) MS LI: ...This also goes for any other items that might come in contact with hair, such as combs, brushes and hair clips... (At this point everybody starts looking uncomfortably at everybody.) CUT BACK TO: THE CAFETERIA. MS LI: ...As I already said: There is no reason to panic. Tomorrow you will get to know more about what you should do in case you suspect you have been infested, as three students of Laaawndale High visit all the classes, and give a short lecture on the subject matter. That's all. Have a nice day. JANE: Three students? I wonder who she's suckered into that? (Daria looks Jane in the eyes with a "well duh"-look, rests her elbow at the table, and points with her thumb at Jodie.) JANE: (Looks at Jodie.) Oh. JODIE: Please. I told her you'd do it. DARIA: You know, I really couldn't care less about what you told someone else that I'd do, without asking me first. KEVIN [V.O.]: Hey, check this out Mack Daddy! (Pan to a table nearby where Mack, Kevin and the three J's are seated. Kevin is just cramming a pea up his nose.) MACK: That's absolutely disgusting. And don't call me Mack Daddy. (Kevin makes loud grunting noises as he tries to get the pea to go all the way through. The three J's seem to be somewhat entertained.) MACK: (Picks up his tray and gets up.) I think I'm going to find myself another table. (Leaves.) KEVIN: (Swallows. Apparently he succeeded.) Hey, where are you goin' bro? (Sees that Mack doesn't take notice of him, then turns to the girls. The camera follows so that we see that they've been monitoring the events at Kevin's table.) Next time I'm gonna' do it with a piece of mandarin orange! Yeah! DARIA: (To Jodie.) Okay, I was wrong. *That's* something I actually care even less about. JODIE: Then, perhaps I can offer you something that would make you care more. JANE: Such as? JODIE: Well, first of all you'd get the rest of the day off. DARIA: Get the day off, so we can do schoolwork for ten hours straight? Gee. JANE: And, besides - I'm not sure it's a good idea for me to do a presentation. I have stage fright. JODIE: Come on. I've seen you address the whole school. JANE: Then you've also seen me run off stage in panic. JODIE: *Come on*. You faked that. You're not talking to Brittany now, remember? JANE: Darn. Guess you just can't fool all of the people all of the time. DARIA: Was there anything else? JODIE: Yes. Since this has to do with parasites, you wouldn't have to do the biology paper. You'd get an "A" automatically in return for this. JANE: We're very likely to get "A":s on that anyway, but keep talking. JODIE: *And* this counts as an extracurricular activity, which means you can put it on your college application, maybe even squeeze some cash out of your parents. DARIA: This sounds almost like an infomercial. (pause) Anything else? JANE: Yeah. I'm not very likely to get anything out of my parents, since they're not in town. JODIE: Well... That's about it. DARIA: I don't know... Despite these benefits I don't like the fact that you told Miss Li that we'd do it without asking us first. JODIE: (Getting desperate.) *Please*! You have *no* idea what it was like. (Starts imitating Miss Li.) Miss Landon! We have a very serious situation on our hands. Something that could stain the image of Laaawndale High, if not dealt with in a swift and appropriate manner. I need you to make this your *top* priority. Of course I need two dependable students in addition to you. Do you think you can handle it? (Back to her normal self.) I told her that I'll tell her as soon as I've found them. She told me it wasn't soon enough, and that I'd just give her two names - she would see that they got compensation enough. (Pause. Gets a depressed look.) Do you think I like doing this? If you do - Think again. DARIA: (Obviously pondering this.) Hmmm... JODIE: And yes, there is this one last thing that might appeal to you. While you of course have to stick to the facts in this presentation, you can present the facts in any way you want. I took the liberty of getting one of these. (Holds up a large poster. We don't see what's on it though.) You can use it if you want to. (Daria looks at Jane and smiles.) JANE: I've seen *that* look before. DARIA: (Looks back at Jodie.) I think I've found a way to kill two birds with one stone. (pause) Okay. We're in. CUT TO: THE GIRLS' BATHROOM. (The F.C. is gathered in front of the washstands. It looks like some sort of crisis meeting.) SANDI: CALM DOWN ALL OF YOU! It's not like we have any reason to panic. (pause) After all, we all take care of our personal hygiene. It's not like we're in the risk zone or anything. TIFFANY: Yeah. Lice are for lower forms of life. QUINN: Yeah, like ugly wild animals. STACY: And unpopular people. TIFFANY & QUINN: Yeah. SANDI: And since none of us are infested, it's impossible for us to pass it on to anyone. TIFFANY, STACY & QUINN: Yeah! (Andrea exits from one of the stalls.) SANDI: Hey! Have you been spying on us? ANDREA: (Pissed.) I was taking a shit! Do you have a problem with that? (Starts leaving. Mutters.) Some ego... (Exits.) QUINN: Now I just *bet* that she was one of those three cases Miss Li told about. TIFFANY & STACY: Ooooh! SANDI: Yes, she did look quite suspicious. STACY: I'm *never* using that stall again. (Points at the one Andrea was in.) TIFFANY: Nooo way. CUT TO: THE HALLWAY. (Daria, Jane & Jodie are heading toward the exit.) DARIA: One thing I don't get. Why couldn't Miss Li just let the teachers to handle this? JODIE: Well from what I understand they had the same situation here five years ago... FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. MS BARCH'ES CLASS. FIVE YEARS AGO. MS BARCH: And for the next hour we're supposed to talk about lice, the parasites that have infested this school. (pause) Of course this school has been infested with *men* ever since it was founded, and nobody seems willing to do anything about *that*! Let me tell you a bit about the *true* bloodsuckers of the universe... DARIA [V.O. from present.]: And that differs from the ordinary teaching... how? JANE [V.O. from present]: Yeah, that was predictable. That was how we were going to get our "A":s in biology. (pause) But what about the other teachers? DISSOLVE TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. MR DEMARTINO'S CLASS. FIVE YEARS AGO. MR DEMARTINO: This lesson has, probably to your great DELIGHT, been cancelled in favour of a lecture on VERMINS. (Walks up to a five years younger, but (naturally) sleeping Trent.) *AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE KIND OF VERMINS THAT VASTE THEIR STUPID ADOLESCENT LIVES BY SLEEPING THROUGH CLASS*!!! (Trent startles.) MR DEMARTINO: Why should I bother giving you this lecture at all?! YOU have the attention span of a flock of retarded CHIMPANZEES!!! Any information you get on this subject would be COMPLETELY WASTED, just as anything ELSE that any educator tries to tell you. YOU can KEEP your lice for all I care! That will make your SIMILARITY TO THE APES COMPLETE! JANE [V.O. from present]: Yeah. He says he still has nightmares about being woken up like that sometimes. DARIA [V.O. from present]: Well, what about Mr. O'Neill? DISSOLVE TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. MR O'NEILL'S CLASS. FIVE YEARS AGO. MR O'NEILL: (His voice sounds like he's apologising for something.) Uh. Hi class. Today we're going to have to talk about this somewhat unpleasant subject. (pause) So, before we begin I would just like to say that if anyone suddenly starts to feel nauseous, or otherwise very uncomfortable about the subject, you may be excused... STUDENT: ALL RIGHT!!! (Gets up and starts leaving. The others very quickly catch on and follow his example.) MR O'NEILL: (To the students while they leave.) Umm... You know, this is really for your own good... (The classroom is now empty. Very dejected.) Oh, darn. DARIA [V.O. from present]: Figures. JODIE [V.O. from present]: But that's not the worst part. DISSOLVE TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. GYM CLASS. FIVE YEARS AGO. (Miss Morris is addressing the students. She has shaved off all her hair and is completely bald.) MS MORRIS: (Pointing at her scalp.) I'm telling you *this* is the way to deal with lice! (pause) Aren't there any other methods, you ask! (pause) This looks so ugly, you say! (Pause. Points at the class.) WELL I'M TELLIN' 'YA: NO PAIN, NO GAIN! JANE [V.O. from present]: Now why would Miss Li disapprove of that? DARIA [V.O. from present]: Don't you see? That would be bad PR. (pause) The school is supposed to *be* a Gulag, not *look* like one. JANE: [V.O. from present]: Oh. JODIE: [V.O. from present]: Well have you heard enough? DARIA: [V.O. from present]: Yeah. I think so. DISSOLVE BACK TO PRESENT: (Daria, Jane & Jodie are just exiting the school's main building.) DARIA: It's amazing really. She gets *us* to do the teaching, because she's discovered that the teachers are incompetent. JANE: Yeah. But why just a special occasion like this? Doesn't she notice that they're incompetent teaching their regular subjects as well? DARIA: Nah. If you go through high school without learning a thing, no one is going to notice that. If you have a louse-epidemic, and people don't know what to do, that will result in immediate and concrete consequences. JODIE: (Hoping to end this cynical conversation. To Daria.) By the way: I was wondering. What was that thing you said back there about killing two birds with one stone? JANE: Yeah? I think I may have a hunch, but I'd like to hear it anyway. DARIA: Well, it's really quite simple... CUT TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. THE HALLWAY. (The F.C. is standing in a spot where two corridors cross.) SANDI: ...and the problem with places like that is that they never have appropriate lighting. You can't see what the *real* colour of a garment is. (Scratches her head.) It can look like lavender in the shop, but when you take out in daylight it's really ocean blue. TIFFANY: That is noot right. QUINN: Umm... Sandi? Did you just scratch your head? SANDI: (Irritated.) Yeah. So, what? (Pauses. Realises what. Her voice turns to threatening.) Are you implying something, Quinn? QUINN: Of course not. (pause) It's just that you don't usually... Well, it's just not *you*. STACY: Yeah. Scratching your head can mess up your hairdo. SANDI: (Shoots Stacy a dirty look. She cowers.) So I was itching! It's not like it couldn't happen to anyone. QUINN: Of course not. Anyone can feel itchy every now and then. (pause) As long as it's not *all* the time... You don't feel itchy *now* do you. SANDI: Of course not. (Awkward silence. The F.C. members just look at each other. The whole situation gets more and more strained, until---) SANDI: Well, I've got to get to class. QUINN/TIFFANY/STACY: Yeah./Me too./Of course. (They all take off in different directions. The camera follows each in turn. As soon as they're out of the other's sight they all scratch their scalps frenetically.) CUT TO: DARIA, JANE & JODIE WALKING DOWN THE ROAD. JODIE: WHAT?! You can't be serious? I'm not going to go through with this. DARIA: (Stops in her tracks. Jane & Jodie also stop.) Jane and I can still make it to Mr. DeMartino's class if we run. JANE: (To Jodie.) Come on. You need to loosen up a bit on that "Do everything by the book"-attitude. It'll be fun. JODIE: (To Daria.) I don't have a choice, do I? DARIA: If you want our co-operation - no. JODIE: (Sighs.) Fine. DARIA: Okay, then. To the library. (Resumes walking.) JANE: (To Jodie.) Hey, lighten up. You look like you're heading toward your own execution. (pause) Besides - You really won't have to do anything you wouldn't have done anyway. JODIE: No, but by agreeing to this I'm also your accomplice. DARIA: (Smirking.) So you made that last offer, knowing we would pick up on it, but hoping that you could deny all involvement, and now it's suddenly official? JODIE: (First just looking at Daria, trying to think of something to say, then realises Daria pretty much got it right on.) Well... Yeah. JANE: Trust me. It's gonna be cool. (Gets more sinister.) Dare to thwart the system! Dare to be a rebel! (Waves fist.) DARE TO BE EVIL! DARIA & JODIE: What? JANE: (Shrugs.) Dunno. Maybe I've watched to many movies recently? END ACT 1. COMMERCIAL BUMPER: (Cut screen: Stacy putting on Quinn's scrunchy/Tiffany brushing her hair with Sandi's brush.) BEGIN ACT 2. EXT.: PUBLIC LIBRARY. (Daria, Jane & Jodie are just exiting. Daria's backpack looks like it's been filled beyond its maximum capacity.) JODIE: Do you think we got everything we need? DARIA: I think that I have every book that was ever written on parasites and entomology in my backpack. (pause) My arms aren't aware of any blood circulation at the moment, anyway. JANE: Yeah. It would take a *week* to get through the stuff we've already borrowed. We're supposed to be done *tomorrow*. JODIE: Okay, okay. Whose place are we going to? JANE: Mine is completely out of the question. Mystik Spiral is still practising. DARIA: It's couple's therapy night back at my place. (pause) Translation: Only if you're in to masochism. CUT TO: EXT.: LANDON RESIDENCE. (Daria, Jane & Jodie enter.) CUT TO: INT.: LANDON RESIDENCE. THE HALL. MICHELE [V.O.]: Rachel? Is that you? JODIE: No, mom. It's me. I brought a couple of friends over. (Michele enters carrying Evan.) MICHELE: You're home early. Don't you still have school? JODIE: We were excused. We have a special assignment to work on. MICHELE: That sounds exciting. JODIE [thought V.O.]: (Sarcastic voice.) That's a nice word for stressful. MICHELE: What is it about? JODIE: It appears that there is a problem with lice at the school. We have to get familiar with the subject by tomorrow and then give lectures in the classes, so that people will know what to do in case of infestation. MICHELE: Ew. Lice. (Pauses. Looks at the girls. Concerned voice.) I sure hope that you've all managed to avoid it. DARIA: Don't worry about us. (pause) As for Jane and I: Getting infested requires human contact. As for Jodie: African-Americans are more resistant to infestation due to hair-texture[*]. [*]: More resistant - Yes. Immune - No. (FYI) MICHELE: (Pissed.) Are you implying that Jodie, is somehow *different* from you?! JODIE: (Her mom is *seriously* embarrassing her.) MOM! Cut it out, will you. MICHELE: (Ignoring Jodie.) I'll have you know that African-Americans can get lice just as well as everyone else! (Jodie slaps her forehead and looks like she'd like to be swallowed by the earth. Jane is trying to stifle her laughter.) DARIA: (Can't help but look a bit amused.) Whatever you say, Mrs Landon. CUT TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. THE HALLWAY. (The F.C. is standing by their lockers.) SANDI: We must remain on constant guard against suspicious looking persons, and keep our distance to them. If anyone in the fashion club got lice it would be a disaster to our popularity. QUINN: (Looks startled. Points at something behind Sandi.) Eep. (Pan camera in the direction Quinn points. We see Upchuck approaching.) UPCHUCK: Hellooo, my fair ladies. (Quinn quickly picks up a small bottle from her bag and removes the cap.) UPCHUCK: (Now very close to the F.C.) I was just wondering--- QUINN: GET AWAY YOU CREEP! (Splatters the contents of the bottle in Upchuck's face.) UPCHUCK: Grrr! Feisty! (Pauses. Sniffs. Looks disgusted.) Ugh! What *is* this stuff? QUINN: A *horrible* scent of perfume my *dad* gave me for my birthday. (Upchuck runs off to the men's room.) F.C.: Ewwww! QUINN: You could say that again. I once spilled it on my hand by mistake - It took, like two days for the smell to go away. SANDI: (To Quinn. Actually sincere this time.) Thanks. That was *just* the kind of people I was talking about. (pause) Oh! And I just remembered - I'd *really* be careful about being near that cousin of yours. TIFFANY: Yeeeah. (Mack & Kevin walk by. The camera starts following them instead of the F.C.) KEVIN: Did you hear that, bro? Mr. D said he was going to do something cool with me after school. MACK: He said *cruel*. That's not the same as cool. (pause) At least not from your point of view. KEVIN: Then... um... Could I borrow *your* point of view, you know, just for tonight? (Mack groans.) KEVIN: (Goofy smile.) HEY! You smell that? (pause) I think Brittany is nearby! CUT TO: INT.: LANDON RESIDENCE. JODIE'S ROOM. LATE EVENING. (Books and papers are scattered almost across the entire room. It would seem the girls have been working hard for quite some time.) DARIA: I think that... (yawns) Sorry. I think that about wraps it up. (Jodie & Jane yawn.) JANE: Thank goodness for that. I haven't experienced a schoolwork marathon like this since that trig-test. (pause) And I'm feeling itchy *all over*, just from going through this material. (Scratches her neck.) DARIA: Me too. But don't worry - It's psychosomatic. (pause) Probably. JANE: (Frowns.) Thanks. DARIA: Besides, we'll have use for that effect. (Smirks.) JANE: (To Jodie.) Oh, yeah. One more thing. How come we have to do this in the classes? What's wrong with the auditorium? JODIE: Nothing's *wrong* with it, except that in order to fund those new surveillance cameras Miss Li has hired out the auditorium to a small film company for a month. (pause) They needed to shoot some scenes there... DARIA: (Snide.) Of course. JODIE: (To Daria. Changing the subject.) Mmm, you know... (pause) I just want to apologise for what my mom said... She--- DARIA: (Raises her hand in a declining gesture.) Don't mention it. (Pauses. Smiles.) *Believe me.* I know how it feels. JODIE: And I don't suppose there is any way I can talk you out of doing this (Gestures toward the papers.) in... *this* way, before you leave? DARIA: Nope. Oh, and now that you mentioned it do you think it would be possible for you to get a small TV set and a video for the representation? JODIE: I think we have one of those compact TV/video combinations somewhere. DARIA: Great. Do you think you can bring it tomorrow? JODIE: Only if you promise not to tell me what you'll use it for. DARIA: (Smirks.) Deal. CUT TO: INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. DARIA'S ROOM. A WHILE LATER. (Daria enters looking very tired. Gives her bed a longing look.) DARIA: (Pats her bed.) Just a minute pal, I'll be right there. There is one more thing I've got to take care of.) (She walks to her bookshelf and starts going through some videotapes.) DARIA: Gorgonzola barbecue... Fire insurance in hell... The coroner slumber party... AH! The Malibu primate diet! (She picks up the tape and places it on the desk, then heads to bed.) FADE TO: INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. THE KITCHEN. NEXT MORNING. (The Morgendorffers are having breakfast. Jake is naturally hidden behind the paper. Quinn isn't present.) HELEN: (To Daria.) You came home late yesterday. Were you with that Landon girl all the time? DARIA: (Deadpan.) No. You got me. After I called in, Jane and I went to a wild rave party to experiment with ecstasy. JAKE: (Drops the paper.) GAH! ECSTASY!!! HELEN: She's *kidding*, dear. (pause) JAKE: Oh. (Resumes reading.) HELEN: (To Daria.) So what were you working on? DARIA: (Boring conversation.) Project. HELEN: (Sighs.) *What* project. DARIA: School project. HELEN: Why don't you tell me about it? (Sarcastic.) Or is that classified information? DARIA: (Now would be the time to squeeze out that money.) It's a project involving the education of other students. (pause) But I'm not sure I want to go through with it... too much responsibility. HELEN: (Excited.) Oh! It's always good to take some responsibility. (pause) What if we were to... *compensate* for this effort? DARIA: (Just a hint of a smile.) Hmm... Fifty. HELEN: Twenty. (Enter Quinn.) QUINN: (To Daria.) Is it true that you're one of those lecturers Miss Li mentioned? DARIA: (Ignoring Quinn. Just wants the cash.) Thirty. HELEN: Wait a minute? Lecturer on what? QUINN: Well, yesterday Miss Li announced that the school was infested with lice, or whatever. It was something gross that bite and make you itch, anyway. And then she said that three students would talk about it in the classes today. (pause) I heard a rumour that Daria was one of them... HELEN: (Catching on.) Today? (Looks at Daria.) DARIA: (Uncomfortable.) Umm... Yeah. HELEN: (Sly smirk.) That's great sweetie. I knew you'd find it in yourself to take that responsibility. (Turns to Quinn.) So what was this thing about lice, again? (As Helen is looking away, and Jake is absorbed in his paper Daria frowns at Quinn, and makes a slow horizontal motion with her index finger across her throat.) CUT TO: EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH: (Hold a second or two.) CUT TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. OUTSIDE MS LI'S OFFICE. (Daria is ready to knock on the door. Jodie & Jane are right behind her.) DARIA: Ready to enter the snakepit? JANE: (Melodramatic.) I have been here before, and I no longer fear death! JODIE: (Sighs.) Come *on*! She's not *that* bad. DARIA: We'll see. (Knocks on door.) MS LI [V.O.]: Enter! CUT TO: INT.: MS LI'S OFFICE. (Miss Li is on the phone as the three girls enter.) MS LI: (Covers the mouthpiece.) Just a minute, girls. (Continues speaking on the phone.) So you say that even softer methods, like the Chinese water... (Quickly glances at the girls.) um... interrogation are out of the question? (...) A-ha (...) (Frowns.) How then am I supposed to deal with the... situations? What kind of a country is this anyway? (...) Oh, yeah. You're absolutely right... And I think that jackass symbol suits them perfectly. Of course I would never vote--- WHAT!? Were you *snickering* at me!? (...) Oh. Sorry. (...) Oh, no. Anyone can choke. (...) Well I'll talk to you later. Let me know if you find any loop--- um... *loose ends*. Thank you. (...) Bye. (Hangs up.) DARIA: (Dryly.) The school's legal counsellor? MS LI: None of your business Miss Morgendorffer. (pause) I assume you want the schedules. (Hands them some papers.) Here you can see which classes you are supposed to be lecturing in, and when. DARIA: Will that be all? MS LI: Yes. I just hope you girls understand what a responsibility you have. Now that you--- JANE: (Bored.) Yeah, yeah. Now that we've been given teacher's responsibilities, we mustn't smear the name of Laaaaaaaaawndale High any further. MS LI: (Ticked off.) WHAT?! JODIE: (Trying to cover up.) Um... Nothing. Now if you'll just excuse us. We still have to decide who takes which classes. (Starts pushing Daria & Jane toward the exit.) (Miss Li doesn't reply, she just snorts.) CUT TO: INT.: THE HALLWAY. JODIE'S LOCKER. (Jodie is getting the TV/video combination out of her locker and hands it to Daria.) JODIE: Snakepit. I'll say. No wonder when you treat her like that. JANE: Well someone's gotta prevent her from turning this place into the Sing- Sing. DARIA: Okay. Everyone knows what to do? JANE: (Fist pump.) Yeah! And we can't fail. We're on a mission from God! DARIA: You *really* should cut down on your TV time. (Turns to Jodie.) And you? (Jodie sighs deeply.) DARIA: I'll take that as a "yes". CUT TO: MR DEMARTINO'S CLASS: (It's Daria's class minus Daria, Jane & Jodie. Jodie is standing by Mr. DeMartino.) DEMARTINO: I'm going to leave the class to Miss Landon here. She is going to give you a lecture on CREATURES related to yourselves. But don't think of this as an OPPORTUNITY to exercise your SLACKER TENDENCIES. If I hear that ANY of you have made trouble in this class I'll arrange AN EXTRA POP-QUIZ for you. (Turns to Jodie.) They're all yours. (Leaves.) CUT TO: MRS BENNETT'S CLASS. (It's one of the younger classes. We see, among others, Quinn & Stacy. Jane is the one to hold this class.) MRS BENNETT: ...and today this class will be held by Miss Lane. I advise you all to pay strict attention to what she has to say. A lice-epidemic is a bit like an economic recession--- JANE: (Interrupting.) Thank you, Mrs. Bennett. I think I can handle it from here. MRS BENNETT: Okay. Good luck. (Leaves.) (The class almost immediately starts acting up, and paper balls and erasers fly across the room. Jane watches for a couple of seconds, then walks up to the blackboard and scrapes her nails *hard* against it. The students quickly cover their ears and stop rioting.) JANE: Okay. Just let me state that my hearing isn't normal. I can do that as many times as I want without suffering from it myself. (Pause. Lets the message sink in.) Let's get started... CUT TO: MR O'NEILL'S CLASS. (It's a freshman class we haven't seen before, and if you think real hard I bet you can figure out who is about to hold it.) MR O'NEILL: ...and I hereby turn over all my teacher's authority for this class to Miss Morgendorffer. (Leaves.) DARIA: (Ironic.) Thank you, that's most helpful. (She barely gets to finish the sentence before a riot even worse than the one in Jane's class breaks out and a flying blackboard duster hits her in the face.) DARIA: Uggh! (The class laughs.) MUSIC: "Guilty conscience"; by Dr. Dre (Daria looks at the class for a couple of seconds trying to figure out what to do. She then walks up to the door and looks out. She sees something and gets a sinister smirk. Just as she's about to exit the class she stops because---) (A small angel looking exactly like Daria appears on her right shoulder.) ANGEL: (With Daria's voice.) Please. These are just freshmen. (A small devil looking exactly like Daria appears on her left shoulder.) DEVIL: (With Daria's voice.) Those freshmen hit you in the face with a duster. ANGEL: Yes, but this is *way* too cruel. DEVIL: They're ruining your projects. (pause) *Both* of them. ANGEL: Well what would *you* do in *their* position? DEVIL: (Deadpan.) You would sit in your bench and stare at the blackboard. ANGEL: Okay. But you still can't do *this*. They'll be scarred for life! DEVIL: Everyone will be in this place. It's just a matter of time. ANGEL: Yes, but they don't have to be scarred by *you*. DEVIL: Technically they wouldn't be scarred by you. ANGEL: *Technichally*. Listen to her. Doesn't she sound like your *mother*. (Daria sighs. The angel smiles. The devil frowns. Just then a piece of chalk hits Daria in the head. As it bounces from her head it hits the angel which falls to the ground.) DEVIL: (Smiling. Looking vacantly at her fingernails. Humming.) Dum-di-dum-dum. (Daria's sinister smirk is back and she exits the classroom. Fade out music.) CUT TO: THE HALLWAY RIGHT OUTSIDE DARIA'S CLASS. (The noise from the class is very audible through the open door. Daria has removed her glasses and is wiping them with her sleeve. Suddenly she bumps into Miss Barch.) DARIA: (Sounding vacant and depressed.) Oh, I'm terribly sorry. MS BARCH: That's okay. (pause) What are you doing here anyway. DARIA: Well I'm supposed to hold a lecture for this class, but the *boys* threw a duster in my face, and started a small riot in there. (Wipes her glasses, and hold them up toward the light.) There. Now they're clean again. (Puts them on.) MS BARCH: (Pissed.) THE BOYS YOU SAY?! Well, I'll teach those miserable chauvinist creeps to pick on girls, and disrupt the education. (Heads toward class.) (Daria follows her but stays just besides the doorway, back against the wall. She closes her eyes, and puts her fingers in her ears as if awaiting an explosion.) MS BARCH [V.O.]: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! (pause) A-HAH! YOU TWO THERE!!! (Sound of panicked screaming is heard, then suddenly everything goes silent. Daria slowly opens her eyes, and removes her fingers from her ears. Just then Miss Barch exits.) MS BARCH: That should take care of that. And if they give you any more trouble, (turns and speaks into the classroom) just let me know, and I'll be back and rip their *lungs* out. DARIA: Thanks. (Enters the classroom.) CUT TO: INT.: DARIA'S CLASS. [I.e. the one she's *holding*.] (Everyone suddenly seem very timid, and two boys in the front row are very pale, look straight ahead and squeeze their desks with both hands so that their knuckles whiten.) DARIA: Okay. Now that we've all had our fun lets discuss the topic at hand. (Pause. Continues with a very dry and monotone lecturer's voice.) I'm here to tell you about the Pediculus humanus capitis - or head louse in English. The head louse is one of the most common parasites that feed off humans. An estimated 12 million Americans get infested every year. (Cut to view from behind Daria. We see that people already seem to begin dozing off. Suddenly she picks up and pulls out the poster Jodie showed her in the cafeteria.) And *this* is what a head louse looks like in 500 time magnification. (The entire class wakes up and looks totally disgusted.) DARIA: So the question is: How do *you* know if you have a few dozen of *these* living in your hair or not? [At this point we enter a stage where we jump between the classes held by Daria, Jane & Jodie. Because of my laziness (and because it'd look stupid) I haven't bothered writing out "CUT TO:" every time. I assume you'll still be aware that they are in different classrooms.] JODIE: (Normal voice. She is just saying what she has to say in a businesslike matter-of-factly manner.) The typical symptom for an infestation is itching in the scalp, typically in the area around the neck or the ears. (Pause. Smiles a reassuring smile.) There's no point in trying to feel if your scalp is itching or not. When we discuss a subject like this it's only normal for certain psychosomatic itching to occur. It's only if you feel itchy for longer periods of time that you have reason to suspect something. JANE: (She is practically performing, as she talks. She really puts feeling in every word she says, and her facial expressions and body language are extremely vivid. [So put that imagination of yours to use folks.] The feeling she appears to communicate is a rather creepy one. [Pun intended.]) So if you think you *feeeel* something *craaawling* in your neck, it just *might* not be your imagination. (pause) It could be one big happy family of lice. A female louse can lay as much as 10 nits per day. Those nits hatch in about a week, and these new lice of course lay eggs too. (pause) I've never been good at maths, but you don't have to be a genius to figure out that it can become on big honkin' family *very quickly* (The class looks horrified.) DARIA: (Walks up to blackboard, picks up a piece of chalk and draws a diagram and an exponential curve.) So if you have "time" on the X-axis, and "number of lice" on the Y-axis, you'll get something like this. (pause) True. Washing your hair may reduce the number of lice, thus interfering with the theory a bit, but it will definitely *not* remove an infestation. JANE: ...in *fact* the lice that *don't* get rinsed away, that is most of them, actually thrive *better* in clean scalps. (Quinn & Stacy exchange horrified glances.) JODIE: So, unfortunately the claim that good personal hygiene prevents an infestation is a myth, and nothing more... JANE: Lice can't jump or fly, but they can *craaawl*, and they do so very quickly. This is how they spread from human to human, by direct contact, or by the swapping of items that are in touch with the head or neck. Lice can survive off the human body for *as long as 48 hours*. Nits can survive for up to 2 *weeks*. JODIE: Therefor, no insecticides are necessary when cleansing the environment. After the acute infestation has been dealt with all clothing will be louse free after a mere two week quarantine. DARIA: Lice do not spread any diseases. All they do is *suck your blood*, with these finely crafted jaws. (Points at poster. Students look disgusted.) JANE: ...but even if the lice themselves don't spread disease, you can however cause secondary infections *yourselves* if you scratch your head too much. (Pauses. The students look very uncomfortable.) JODIE: There are several ways to remove lice. DARIA: The following example is a rather primitive, yet in combination with other methods, surprisingly functional. (Turns on TV/video.) (We see the same shot of a gorilla(?) picking large parasites off the fur of another one, and eating them as we did in "This Year's model") SSW NARRATOR: Next, on Sick Sad World - the Malibu primate diet. (The entire class looks totally grossed out.) JANE: ...but of course, the term "nitpicking" didn't appear out of nowhere. No matter how thorough you are you'll probably miss some nits. Therefor there are several lice-killing solutions available at the pharmacy. (pause) *Unfortunately* these over-the-counter-products don't kill all of the nits, and *furthermore* some lice have even been known to having developed *resistance* toward some of these products. JODIE: ...and because of this, a second treatment one week apart from the first is always necessary. FADE TO: A WHILE INTO THE FUTURE. (Cut screen: Daria/Jane/Jodie) ALL THREE: This concludes this little informative assembly. Thank you. CUT TO: DARIA'S CLASS. (It's empty. Just the two boys in the front row are still sitting like frozen to their chairs. Daria is collecting her stuff.) DARIA: (Slow, reassuring voice.) It's okay. The class is over. You can release your benches, and leave the classroom. (They slowly snap out of it.) BOY #1: (Quivering voice.) Is she gone now? CUT TO: INT.: THE HALLWAY. OUTSIDE THE NURSE'S RECEPTION. (Daria, Jane & Jodie are standing at some distance from the entrance. They appear to be monitoring the office. Daria is holding a notebook.) JODIE: Do we *have* to do this? DARIA: Yes, we have a deal, remember? (Jodie sighs.) JANE: (Points at student entering the nurse's office.) That's one of mine. DARIA: Got it. (Marks something in her notebook.) (Kevin walks up.) KEVIN: (To Jodie. Worried.) Hey. Umm... Can I ask you something? JODIE: Sure. KEVIN: (Lowers his voice.) Like, what are you supposed to do if you're not sure if you've got those fleas or whatever? JODIE: (Sighs.) Kevin. I just told you *everything* about that during the lecture, and you didn't even get that it *wasn't* about *fleas*? DEMARTINO: (Who was just walking by.) WELCOME, to the everyday life of a TEACHER Miss Landon. JODIE: (To Daria.) I'm actually starting to feel pity for him. DARIA: I got the same feeling once too, but I took an Aspirin, and it blew over. KEVIN: (Puzzled.) Umm... Then what are those things called that, you know bite you in the head and stuff? DARIA: In your case Kevin - Termites. KEVIN: Oh. And what were you, like supposed to do if you weren't sure if you had them or not. DARIA: Ask the zoo if you can borrow their anteater. JODIE: (Butts in.) *Actually* you're supposed to go to the nurse's office and let her check you out. KEVIN: Thanks. (Walks off in the wrong direction.) (pause) (Kevin returns.) KEVIN: Oh, yeah. Where is the nurse's office again? (Jodie points.) KEVIN: Thanks. (Walks off in the right direction.) (Kevin stops just outside the door. Then turns to Jodie, Daria & Jane.) KEVIN: (Confused.) Do you really think she's got an anteater? (Jodie slaps her forehead. Kevin enters the nurse's office.) DARIA: (Smirks. To Jodie.) That's one of yours. (Marks something in notebook.) (pause) JANE: Do you think that if an anteater stuck its tongue into one of Kevin's ears it would come out the other? (Daria & Jodie raise their eyebrows and look at Jane.) JANE: (Shrugs.) Just a thought. END ACT 2. COMMERCIAL BUMPER: (Split screen: Jane mimicking something during the lecture/Quinn & Stacy looking shocked.) BEGIN ACT 3: EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. DARIA [V.O.]: (Hoarse.) Well I'm glad that's over with... CUT TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. THE HALLWAY. (Daria, Jane & Jodie are standing by the lockers. They all look quite tired.) JANE: Yeah. I had no idea being a teacher could be so exhausting. DARIA: Continuous talking that tears at your voice. Continuous contact with morons. Sucky pay. JODIE: You know, after this day I'm actually wondering why any normal person would become a teacher. JANE: In case you haven't noticed - They don't. (Mr O'Neill rushes by. He's weeping.) O'NEILL: (Covering his face in his hands.) Oh, I've tried. WAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA! I've tried, but it's never good enough. DARIA: (Deadpan.) Quad erat demonstrandum.[*] [*]: "Which was to be proven." A statement used at the end of a mathematical proof, when you've finally managed to prove what you were supposed to. (The F.C. walks by. Stacy is scratching her head.) SANDI: ...and then I said to him--- (pause) Stacy are you scratching your head. (The F.C. halts. Stacy immediately stops scratching.) JANE: No, she's got her butt on top of her shoulders just as everyone else. SANDI: (Ignoring Jane.) I thought it would *mess up your hairdo*... STACY: (On the verge of panic.) Eep... Uh... Umm... It's nothing, really. (pause) I'm sure I'm just uh... psychotic schematic. (Squeezed smile.) DARIA: Just hang around those a few more years, and I'm sure you will be. SANDI: (Notices Daria & Jane.) Let's go somewhere more *private*, shall we? (The F.C. leaves. View stays with the F.C.) SANDI: I thought we discussed this already. We, in the fashion club *do not* have lice, and we must behave accordingly. This is especially important after those geeks gave this lecture. (Pause. Tiffany scratches her head.) People are watching us - they *always* are. If we display any suspicious behaviour, our popularity could be at stake. (Notices Tiffany.) TIFFANY: (Realises she's scratching her head, and quickly pulls away her hand and tries to act casually.) Yeeeah. (Awkward silence.) QUINN: You know, I really should get going. I uh... I've got to prepare for a date. CUT TO: ANOTHER PART OF THE HALLWAY. (Daria, Jane & Jodie are at the lockers. Daria is getting the TV/video out of her locker.) DARIA: This thing is kind of heavy. Did you carry it all the way? JODIE: Well... Yeah. DARIA: Mmm... I suppose it's only fair if I help you carry it back then. After all it was my idea... JODIE: Thanks, but you don't really need to--- DARIA: Shut up, Landon. You're far too nice about doing stuff yourself and taking the heat off others. If you don't cut it out, you'll burn yourself out, and people will end up taking advantage of you. JODIE: (Come on, I can handle it attitude.) Carrying a TV home is not going to make me a burnout, you know. JANE: Of course she knows. But you've got to let other people ease your burden too when they offer to do so, not only when you're trapped in a situation you can't possibly handle yourself. *Like holding lectures for all classes in the same day.* JODIE: (Sighs. Then smiles.) Okay. JANE: (To Daria.) I'll see you later. (Walks off.) CUT TO: EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. MAIN ENTRANCE. (Daria (carrying the TV/video) & Jodie exit.) JODIE: So, what's next? DARIA: Well I'll go over all the data we've gathered, make the statistics - We already *know* it worked the way we intended. I'll also try and put together the presentation. (Quinn runs up from behind.) QUINN: Daria, I really need to talk to you! I'm desperate. DARIA: (Looks around. Dryly.) You're talking to me in a public place? You must really *be* desperate. (pause) But I'm sorry Quinn, I've got to take this thing (indicates TV) to the Landons. QUINN: Well, can't *she* (indicates Jodie) do that? DARIA: (Frowns.) Your consideration for other people is so touching that I'd probably smash you in the head with the TV, if it weren't hers. JODIE: It's all right. I *can* really carry it, remember? DARIA: Yes, but--- JODIE: (Sly smirk.) And *you* could really improve on your social skills, you know. (Makes a gesture toward Quinn.) DARIA: (Frowning at Quinn.) I would. (pause) But my mom won't let me take karate classes. JODIE: (Chuckles.) Oh, please Daria. (Takes the TV away from her.) Just *listen* to what your sister has to say. (Walks off.) DARIA: I *have*. For more than fifteen years. (pause) And apparently some Higher Power has decided I haven't suffered enough, yet. (Jodie just keeps walking.) DARIA: (To Quinn.) Talk about boys - I'll shove you in front of a moving car. Talk about fashion - I'll strangle you with my bare hands. (Daria starts walking home. Quinn follows.) QUINN: It's not about any of the two. DARIA: (Cocks an eyebrow. Sarcastic.) Wow. This truly is a great day in history. QUINN: It's about those--- (Looks around. Drops her voice to a whisper.) *lice*. DARIA: (Sighs.) We told you *everything* you need to know during the lectures. QUINN: Yes, but what if you... um... DARIA: ...suspect you're infested? QUINN: Yeah. DARIA: (Irritated.) You were supposed to *go to the school's nurse, just as we told you to*. QUINN: (Ear-piercing whining.) But I *can't* do that! What if someone *saw* me?! Don't you see that it could threaten my popularity?! DARIA: Considering how shallow and superficial your so called friends are, I actually *can* see that. (pause) That of course doesn't mean I give a damn, though... (Stops. Sniffs the air.) What's that weird smell? QUINN: What--- (Sniffs.) Hmm... That's almost like that stupid perfume I threw at Upchuck yesterday. (Daria & Quinn both ogle at a bush nearby.) DARIA: (To Quinn.) When was the last time you threw stones at a target? QUINN: Why? I don't--- (Realises.) Oh, *too* long. DARIA: (Picks up two stones from the ground, hands one to Quinn.) Same here. Lets see who can hit that bush over there. (Quinn throws. It just brushes the branches of the bush. Daria throws and hits the middle of the bush with a "thud".) DARIA: I win. Lets move. (Both start walking. View remains with bush.) UPCHUCK [V.O.]: (Weak, moaning voice.) Mental... note...: Successful predators... never stalk prey... from upwind... CUT TO: (Daria & Quinn walking.) QUINN: I can't understand why that despicable Upchuck can't leave me alone. DARIA: Actually I think he was stalking both of us. QUINN: Who would want to stalk *you*? DARIA: (Frowns slightly.) It's *Upchuck* we're talking about. He'd make a pass on anything female, as long as it didn't have too many tentacles. QUINN: Oh. CUT TO: INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. THE HALL. (Daria & Quinn have just entered.) QUINN: What I'm saying is... Couldn't *you* do whatever check the nurse would have done? DARIA: (Sighs.) Okay. But don't think I'm doing you a favour. I'm doing this strictly because we live under the same roof, and I don't want to get infested. (pause) You go ahead upstairs. I'll just get myself a soda. CUT TO: QUINN'S ROOM. A SHORT WHILE LATER. (Daria enters holding a can of soda. Quinn is standing in front of her mirrors applying generous amounts of hairspray.) DARIA: Whoa! Hold it! (Quinn stops. Daria walks up to Quinn.) Although you might *think*... (Coughs from the spray fumes.) ...that, that stuff would kill anything smaller than a chipmunk, I must regret to inform you that this kind of chemical warfare is ineffective against lice. QUINN: Come on, Daria. It's not against lice. (pause) Besides I don't think I have any... I just want to be sure. DARIA: Then what was it for? QUINN: So that my hair would look its best, *duh*. DARIA: For the fifteen seconds it takes me to start going through your hair? QUINN: You're not going to mess up my *hair*, are you? DARIA: Well, since I don't have a medical tricorder from Star Trek, the only way is to manually search your scalp. What did you expect? Don't you ever consider anything *at all*? (pause) Sorry. Rhetorical question. (Takes a swig of the soda. Sits down on Quinn's bed. Points at the floor between her feet.) Have a seat. QUINN: You want me to sit on the *floor*? DARIA: (Gradually losing patience.) Do you want me to *stand*? This will take time, and it's a lot less uncomfortable for you to sit on the floor as for me to stand. *Now SIT*! (Quinn complies reluctantly. Daria gets a comb and a piece of scotch tape. She starts going through Quinn's hair with the comb.) CUT TO: THE KITCHEN. A WHILE LATER. (Jake is wearing his "Kiss the cook"-apron, and is frying something in a pan. Helen enters.) HELEN: Hi, honey! (Smells the food odours. Looks a bit distrustful.) What's that? JAKE: Well, I couldn't decide whether I ought to make meatballs or fishsticks, so I compromised. HELEN: Compromised? JAKE: Yeah! Fishballs! Isn't it a great idea? HELEN: Uhh... Sure. CUT TO: QUINN'S ROOM: (Daria is still working on Quinn. Daria looks a bit irritated, since the work is rather tedious.) QUINN: So what are we supposed to do, *should* you find... something? Are you sure those chemicals will work? They didn't appear to be very reliable, from what Jane told us... DARIA: You're absolutely right. In your case I think it would be best if we squashed them, one by one with a baseball bat. (pause) I volunteer for the job. QUINN: Ha. Ha. (Close-up of Daria's face. Her hands are working right next to the camera.) DARIA: A-ha! (Daria picks up piece of tape, and presses it with her thumb onto the lens of the camera, so the screen goes black.) DARIA [V.O.]: Gotcha! CUT TO: THE KITCHEN: JAKE: It's a great idea! I'm not even sure if it's ever been done before.[*] [*]: It has - which only proves what an evil place the world is. QUINN [V.O.] ***EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK***!!!!!! JAKE: OH MY GOD! CALL THE AMBULANCE!!! HELEN: Calm down! Let's see what it is first. (Runs upstairs.) CUT TO: QUINN'S ROOM. (Quinn is almost hysterical. Helen enters.) QUINN: MY LIFE IS OVER! HELEN: (To Daria, who seems rather calm.) What's going on? DARIA: Found this in her hair. (Holds up piece of tape with a louse attached to it.) QUINN: I'm never going to be able to face my friends! Lice are for lower forms of life! DARIA: Like shallow and stupid people? HELEN: Cut it out! Both of you! (pause) So Quinn has lice? QUINN: AAAARGH! GO AHEAD! TELL THE WORLD!!! CRANK THE KNIFE!!!!! (Jake appears in the doorway, but doesn't say anything.) HELEN: (Sighs.) Daria why don't you come with me downstairs? (Daria gets up.) CUT TO: THE LIVING ROOM. (Helen, Jake & Daria are seated around the table.) JAKE: Quinn has what? DARIA: Lice. Head lice. JAKE: OH MY GOD! LICE! HELEN: (Doesn't want *this* again.) Mmm... Didn't you leave the fishballs in the pan, honey? JAKE: (Jumps up.) Oh! Yes, of course! (Heads for the kitchen.) DARIA: *Fishballs*? HELEN: Don't ask. (pause) Now you know what to do, right? You held those lectures at school today, didn't you? DARIA: True. First of all we need to get one of these products from the pharmacy. (Hands Helen a list.) We'll all have to be treated. HELEN: All of us? DARIA: Although Quinn is probably the source of infestation in this household, it's very possible that one of us has an early stage infestation as well. We'll have to check each other, and someone also has to remove nits from Quinn every day until the treatment is finished. JAKE [V.O.]: GAH! DAMMIT! Now they're completely ruined! DARIA: I *hope* that means we won't have to eat them. HELEN: (Gets her wallet.) Could you go down to the pharmacy, and get what we need? (Hands Daria money.) JAKE [V.O.]: Now I'll have to start all over. HELEN: (Gets up and heads to kitchen to prevent disaster.) Umm... I'm kind of hungry. What would you say if we just threw something into the microwave? CUT TO: EXT.: THE PHARMACY. (Daria walks up toward the entrance. As she is about to enter she bumps into Linda, who just exits. Linda drops her bag and a bottle falls out.) DARIA: Oh, I'm sorry Mrs. Griffin. (Picks up bottle and hands it to Linda who angrily snatches it away from her.) LINDA: (Hisses.) Why don't you watch where you're going, instead of just meekly apologising afterward?! (Leaves in a hurry.) (Daria smiles a wily smile, then enters the pharmacy.) CUT TO: INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. THE KITCHEN. (Jake & Helen are already seated with almost finished portions of lasagne. Daria enters. And heads for the table.) DARIA: Saved anything for me? (Microwave pings.) HELEN: Expected you to be home by now. (Gestures toward microwave.) DARIA: (Gets her lasagne.) I got the stuff. (pause) You know the real trouble with this will probably be keeping Quinn off her hair care products. HELEN: Huh? DARIA: I forgot to mention - None of us may use any hair care products, other than ordinary shampoo without conditioner during the treatment. HELEN: This is not going to be easy... DARIA: Let *me* handle it. CUT TO: QUINN'S ROOM. A WHILE LATER. (Quinn is sitting on the bed looking very depressed. Daria enters.) QUINN: Go away! I want to be miserable on my own! DARIA: (Dryly.) Welcome to *my* world. (pause) Anyway, I'm here to tell you what to do, to get rid of this problem. QUINN: (Starting to weep.) You can't do anything to help me. I heard what you said about hair care products, I was just coming down the stairs. People will notice! People will ask questions! PEOPLE WILL FIND OUT!!! DARIA: Actually I know something that might prevent that from happening. QUINN: (Stops weeping. Actually catches interest.) What? DARIA: (Extends hand.) Fifty bucks. QUINN: (Shocked.) FIFTY!? DARIA: Twenty for the information, and an additional thirty that I would have squeezed from mom, if *you* hadn't interfered this morning. (Quinn sighs, opens a drawer an pulls out a wad of cash that she hands to Daria.) DARIA: (Surprised.) No haggling? You must really be desperate. QUINN: It's my *popularity* at stake! (pause) Now the information, please. CUT TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. NEXT MORNING. GIRL'S ROOM. (Sandi, Tiffany & Stacy are standing in front of the mirror. Quinn walks up and joins them. She's wearing her hair in a ponytail, and not the usual style.) SANDI: Hi there, Quinn. QUINN: Hi, everyone. SANDI: Umm... Your hair seems *different* today Quinn. Less bouncy. QUINN: Yes, I didn't put any spray on today. (The other F.C. members gasp.) SANDI: It's not like you to forget a thing like that Quinn. Is everything okay? QUINN: (Plucks up courage.) I didn't forget. It's part of the lice-killing treatment. (Even louder gasp from the other F.C. members.) QUINN: (To Sandi.) I'm a bit surprised to see *you* using hair care products, though. SANDI: (Cold.) And why is that? QUINN: Come, on. My cousin bumped into your mother yesterday outside the pharmacy. She dropped a bottle of lice-killing shampoo. SANDI: (Caught off guard.) That... uh... was for... *Fluffy*. QUINN: I don't think so. There are different products for animals. SANDI: Er... Eh... Um... QUINN: (To Stacy & Tiffany. Unusually serious for Quinn.) I would seriously recommend that you go get yourselves checked. There is no telling which one of us got this first, but it's very likely we got it all. (Stacy starts hyperventilating.) QUINN: (Rolls her eyes.) Calm down! No one has to know... (Turns to Sandi.) ...*if* all of us stick together on this, that is. SANDI: (Sees the chance of regaining control of the situation that has been given to her.) That is a good point Quinn. The fashion club members *always* stick together. (To Stacy & Tiffany) Don't we? TIFFANY/STACY: (There is nothing to do but play along. They also don't have much reason not to.) You're sooo right./Oh, absolutely. (The F.C. starts leaving.) SANDI: (To Quinn. Whispering. Slightly worried.) Are you sure about those hair care products? CUT TO: INT.: MR O'NEILL'S CLASS. MR O'NEILL: Okay, class. I hope you're all prepared to present your view of the importance of rethorics. (pause) Brittany. Why don't you go first? DARIA: (To Jane.) To think, that we are fortunate enough to learn all the basics of twisting messages, in such a way as to appease the large unthinking masses, already in high school. I suppose the other means for success in life: Lying, deceiving, and backstabbing are college courses. JANE: Well, you sure are cheery today. Have you been reading the alt.angst newsgroup again? DARIA: Nah. I got tired of explaining the difference between existential angst and lack of sex to people like... (Turns her head and looks back.) (Pan to Upchuck who looks depressed. Pan back.) DARIA: Well, you get the idea. BRITTANY: (Doing pathetic cheer in front of the class, waving pom-poms etc.) JUST SAYING STUFF IS NOT ENOUGH! TO SAY IT RIGHT IS REALLY TOUGH! Goooooooooo RHETORICS! (Does a split. [No she doesn't fall over. I'm tired of that gag.]) KEVIN: (Stands up, and makes a fist pump.) All right! MR O'NEILL: Errr... Well, thank you Brittany. (Awkward smile.) Now Jodie, how about if you go next. (Jodie gets up from bench, and heads over to the desk.) JODIE: I haven't worked on this project alone, so I must ask Daria and Jane to join me for the presentation as well. (Daria & Jane get up.) MR O'NEILL: (Uncertain what to make of this.) Umm... This wasn't really a group assignment, you know... DARIA: We are aware of that, but unfortunately the *research* we did (Hands an imposing sheaf of papers to Mr. O'Neill.) required the participation of three people. We pretty much shared the work equally, and we therefor must make the presentation together. MR O'NEILL: (Can't say no now.) Well, since you've obviously done your research, (Looks at the sheaf.) I guess I'll allow it. JODIE: (Turns toward the class.) The assumption behind the entire concept of rhetorics is that the *way* you present a subject is every bit as important, maybe even more so, than *what* you actually present. JANE: We decided to *test* the accuracy of this theory in an empirical experiment we conducted yesterday. DARIA: As you're probably aware the three of us held lectures in the entire school, but what you are probably *not* aware of is that each of us used a different technique of presentation. JODIE: I was to use a formal matter-of-factly technique, to use as a point of reference. JANE: I used a technique that we assumed would induce a maximum of fear and paranoia toward the subject. Lice, that is. DARIA: I on the other hand, used a technique designed to activate primitive human instincts, thus producing disgust in the listeners. JANE: A part of the message we delivered was that anyone who suspected that he or she was infested was to make a visit to the nurse's office for inspecting. We therefor monitored the traffic to said office during the recesses, making notes regarding the number of people that visited, and as to whose lecture the person had attended. JODIE: Even though there may be a slight margin of error due to factors such as cases of other illness, people visiting the nurse while cutting class, and so on, we still believe the data we gathered is statistically significant. DARIA: Of the people attending Jane's lectures as many as 14,6% visited the nurse later that day. Of the people belonging to Jodie's reference group the corresponding figure is 3,7%. Of the people attending my modest lectures, only two people visited the nurse. Both these cases can however be ascribed to a highly traumatic, very recent near-death-experience. (Mr. O'Neill looks shocked at the mention of near-death-experience.) JANE: Our conclusion is following: The theory we set out to prove appears accurate. We were through the mere use of rethorics able to induce paranoia, as well as denial into the test subjects. MR O'NEILL: (This wasn't really what he expected.) Eh... That's *very interesting*. (Long awkward pause.) Very interesting indeed... CUT TO: EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. JUST AFTER SCHOOL. (Daria & Jane exit.) DARIA: Well, we got an "A" for that one. JANE: And for the biology paper. (Jodie runs up from behind.) JODIE: Wait! There's something I've got to tell you. DARIA: Don't worry about today. We'll have your conscience back from the dry cleaner by Monday. JODIE: That's not it. In fact I don't feel bad about that at all after what Miss Li just pulled on us. JANE: (Suspicious.) Pulled what? DARIA: On *us*? JODIE: She cancelled our deal. DARIA: (Frowns.) What?! JODIE: She said this couldn't be counted as an extracurricular activity, because it all took place during school hours. And she had apparently "forgotten" (finger quotes) all about the biology paper. JANE: Can she do that? JODIE: She just did. DARIA: (Sighs.) Guess there is only one thing to do then. JANE: Write a paper on principals parasiting on students? DARIA: Find some stupid Libyans. JODIE: What? ---(END CREDITS.) POSTSCRIPT: Wow. My longest story so far. Also I broke a new speed record, finishing it in only a month! :-) This is definitely my last script for this year, though. I intend to take a break writing, at least over the holidays or so... After that, I'll see - I feel kind of tapped for ideas at the moment. Again some comparison: If I compare this 'fic to my previous ones, I'm glad to notice that I finally managed to write something in a slightly different pattern. I finally managed to introduce a parallel plotline, and I think (I'm not sure if you agree, though) that this story had a slightly better "flow" than the previous ones. Lice: I tried to do some research on lice before I got started. Nothing major, just a little web-search, but I still hope I got most of the facts right. (The data was sometimes slightly mutually contradictory, so don't hang me if you see something that you think is incorrect/inexact.) I also had a bit of trouble with, on the one hand: Keep the facts at least somewhat straight, and on the other: Prevent this script from turning into an educational video. I think it went pretty well, though... Fun detail: A fun detail I wanted to put the spotlight on is the way that Daria and Quinn both despise each other, because of the entirely different sets of standards they use. I used the "lower forms of life"-gag to illustrate this. Problems with creating a problem: One of the things that I had a problem with in the beginning was: Why should Daria have to do this? Why not the teachers? Why not in the auditorium? The first problem I managed to solve in an IMHO at least somewhat funny way. The other I just "force-solved" by having Ms Li hire it out. After I had solved these problems, the script flowed relatively smoothly from there. Psychosomatic itching: Trust me. It works. I felt itchy more than once while writing this stuff. (Whispering voice.) And aare you suuure, there isn't something craaaaawling on *your* head? Remember *anyone* who has hair can get head lice... ;-) Free improvisation: Thank God for that! I *never* have a very clear view of what the finished story will look like when I start. I only have the main plot, plus some bits and pieces, enough to fill a page or too. Few things give more satisfaction than to suddenly come up with a good one-liner that fits the situation perfectly, or to come up with an idea that bind two scenes together, that otherwise would have seemed disjointed. All in all: I'm pretty satisfied with this 'fic, and I just hope you liked it too. BORING DISCLAIMER: "Daria" and all related characters are trademarks of MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International Inc. The author does not claim copyright to these characters or to anything else in the "Daria" milieu, he does however claim copyright to the storyline within this work of fiction. This fanfic may be freely copied and distributed provided the contents remain unchanged, provided that the authors name and e-mail are included, and provided that the distributor does not use the story for monetary profit. [But, hey let's face it. If you could make money with this, you'd really be one hell of a salesman :).] HOW TO CONTACT THE AUTHOR: (What? Are you still reading? Okay, then) Author: Daniel Suni E-mail: daniel.suni@kolumbus.fi Snail mail: Karistimentie 2 D 110 00920 Helsinki 92 FINLAND