A Kiss for Quinn Scene 1: Jane and Daria are seen obliquely from above walking to the cafeteria. Daria: So, Jane, what did you think about that lecture on human knowledge Saturday? Jane: Oh, I don't know. I guess it just bothers me that anyone in their right mind would think that there's nothing more to life than thinking substances. Seems a little self-absorbed, doesn't it? Daria: Yeah. Some guy's brain cell gets a jolt and suddenly he thinks he's everything! Those Cartesian's. Then again, if Britney had a revelation like that, should we recommend she be sent off to Harvard to study Descartes' Meditations? Jane: Oh, come now, my Daria! First off, just because she has a revelation, (and I think this highly unlikely) doesn't mean she's a thinking thing. She's not even that! She calls putting on makeup thinking for God's sake! She'd never fit in with the Cartesians. You have to have a mind to be one. Daria: Yeah, I guess you're right. Jane: By the way, why the hell was Quinn at that lecture? Does she have a death wish that she wants Sandy to carry out for her? Daria: Who knows. Ever since she got tutored in history over the summer she's been acting really weird. Jane: Well, do me a favor. Don't let it go to her head! Daria: Sure. And while I'm at it, shall I stop Old Faithful from gushing water periodically, too? Jane chuckles, and they enter the cafeteria. Scene 2: We see Quinn sitting on her bed, watching TV. Male Voice: This is WPTV, Lawndale, your public television source for everything the mind needs, and here's a special announcement: Those of you who attended the lecture given by University of Bristol Descartes scholar Todd Richardson this past Saturday (and any other interested parties for that matter) will be pleased to know that videocassette recordings of that lecture are available by calling us here at 555-WPTV right now! Just $4.95 buys you all of Todd's meditations on the Meditations, so call now! Your contributions will help support the programming you have so religiously watched all these years. (At this Quinn winces.) She takes her purse off the hook on her closet door where it dangles lifelessly and begins rummaging through it.) Quinn: Oh no. I forgot I spent all my money on that loser biker guy Dave Saturday night. (We hear someone knock on Quinn's door. Quinn: It's open. (Daria steps in one pace, and her jaw drops.) Quinn: What are you staring at? Daria: You? Watching public TV. Maybe the psychiatric ward really is right for you after all, Quinn. But first come downstairs so we can have dinner so I can go back to being a miserable bitch. Quinn (lowers her voice slightly): As if dinner is any different from any other time of day for you. Daria: Girl's gotta maintain her image, wouldn't you agree, oh fashion freak? Quinn: For your electrifying edification, I'm going to ask mom for $5 or $6 to buy a videocassette recording of Saturday's lecture! Daria: Look, Quinn, if you really want mascara that badly I'll lend you the stupid money, okay? Quinn: I'm not fibbing, Daria! (Daria just gives her a sidelong glance and walks away) Scene 3: We see Daria, Quinn, Helen, and Jake eating lasagna at the dinner table. Helen: So, kids. How did it go, today? Quinn: Oh, all right, I guess. But mom, can I have $5 or $6... Helen: Quinn, didn't you buy mascara Friday night for one of your dates? Quinn: (thumps her right hand on the table in frustration) Ma'''aaaaaaahhhhhhhm, it's not for that. I wanna buy this video of the lecture about Descartes: Meditations from Saturday! Daria: Yeah, now that I think of it, aren't you low on videotapes to record those asinine soap operas? Helen: Now, Daria, be supportive. Quinn, I will be more than happy to give you $6 to cover tax, if there is any. I'm so glad to see you broadening your knowledge base, honey. I think you'll find it quite rewarding, sweetheart. Quinn: Yeah, me too. Jake: Yeah, kiddo, that's great!! Helen: Shut up, Jake! You have no frigging idea what we're talking about! Jake: I do too! Doesn't it have something to do with meditating about carts during the day? Helen: Go back to sleep, Jakey. Jake: Aw, damn it all! Quinn: So, I can have it? Helen: Actually, dear, why don't you call WPTV and find out how much it is, with or without tax, and I'll write you a check. Quinn: Oh, thank you, mom! Scene 4: It is Thursday, three days later. We see Quinn, Stacy, and Sandy sitting in Mr. De Martino's classroom listening to a lecture on the Presidential election of 1800. Mr. DeMartino: Now, can any of you neophytes tell me who won the popular vote in the 1800 election? (He looks right at Quinn, but she is saved by the intercom. Ms. Lee: Attention! This is your principal speaking, so listen up, everyone of you! WPTV has asked that all students and faculty be notified of a special signing session to be held tomorrow in the Lawndale High Auditorium. Todd Richardson, the nineteen-year-old prodigy who lectured on Descartes' Meditations this past Saturday will be signing anything and everything, since he is sure no one has a copy of that timeless classic. All interested students should report to the auditorium after school tomorrow. That is all. Thank you! Mr. DeMartino: Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, who won the 1800 popular vote, Jefferson or Burr. Ms. Morgendorfer. Quinn (stomach turns to water) Ahm...um...er...that is...mmm...(timidly) Burr? Mr. DeMartino: Gee, Quinn. You don't sound so sure. Quinn: I...I...I'm not, sir. (slumps down in her chair) Mr. DeMartino: Well, it just so happens...that you're right on the money! Sandy glares hotly at Quinn, and Quinn notices a tear form at the left corner of Stacy's left eye. Quinn squirms uncomfortably. Scene 5: In the lunchroom that day, Stacy, Sandy, Tiffany, and Quinn are seated at a table on the far side of the cafeteria. Sandy: All right, Quinn. What was that utterly atrocious display in De Martino's class earlier this morning? I cannot believe you had the unmitigated gall to answer one of that gum head's questions correctly! Quinn (nervously) S...Sandy, I swear, it was an accident. He was looking right at me! I had to say something! Oh, Sandy (lip begins to quiver) please don't kick me out of the Fashion Club. I promise it won't happen again! Sandy: You're membership will be unimpaired only if you stop that pathetic sniveling! (Quinn is silent) Sandy: The next time that stuffed shirt asks you a question, tell him you don't know the answer, is that perfectly clear? Quinn: Y...Yes. I just don't want to upset my parents. If they found out I'm still slacking off they'll kill me. Sandy: And you listen to everything your parents tell you, is that it? (Quinn lowers her head and shakes it) Sandy: Good. Now let's put this little fiasco behind us and pretend it never happened, okay? (The other three nod) Scene 6: It is Friday, right after the last period has concluded. There are a grand total of five people in the auditorium at Lawndale High! One of them is a student, namely Quinn, who is joined by Mr. O'Neill, three other members of the English department, and a member of the history Department (not Anthony De Martino). Mr. O'Neill: Ms. Morgendorfer, it's...ah...good to see you. What brings you to this neck of the woods, if I may inquire? Quinn (laughs nervously) Well...ahhhh...I guess...that is...I was hoping to have Todd Richardson sign my notebook (holds it up for good measure). He's so...intelligent. (She laughs nervously, but Mr. O'Neil puts a reassuring hand on her shoulder) Mr. O'Neill: I'm quite proud of you, Ms. Morgendorfer! It's so honorable to see that you've finally conquered your fears about academia and your rightful place in it. Kind of reminds me...oh, never mind...it's a long story. Anyway, keep up the good work, Quinn! Quinn winces, but can say nothing. At that point Todd Richardson enters the auditorium, accompanied by a finely dressed middle-aged man, presumably a mentor of some kind. Todd walks down to where the five are standing. Todd: Good afternoon, all. I'm elated to see that at least a few of you retained enough interest to take a few moments out of what I imagine is a very busy schedule (he pronounces this "shedule") to come visit with me and have your keepsakes signed by me. I would like all of you to meet my thesis sponsor, Dr. Byron McDermott, who received his graduate degrees in philosophy at the University of Paris. Dr. McDermott nods his head slightly and affects a rather dry smile. Todd: Right. Well now, don't just stand about gaping, one of you come on up here, eh? (He looks around at the shy faces.) At this point Quinn steps forward shyly. Quinn: Ahhhh...hi, there. My name is Quinn Morgendorfer. I attended your lecture on the Meditations on First Philosophy last week. Todd: Oh, yes. I recall now. As I remember you made some astute observations about how Descartes was able to discard many of his doubts by the end of the Sixth Meditation. Quinn had indeed made some intelligent comments about the way his thought proceeded in Descartes' mind, but this was too much for her! Quinn (quite flustered) Well, you know (chuckles nervously) if you can't believe in anything but a mind, what's the point of life, right? Todd: Oh, I agree utterly with you, Ms. Morgendorfer. It shocked me at first when I read it, but on further meditation, if you'll excuse the pun, it makes rather a lot of sense, doesn't it? Quinn: Yeah, I mean, if something appears and then disappears so quickly, and you're awake, it has to be a ghost, doesn't it? Todd: Fabulous. Quinn, you're a philosopher at heart, I'm telling you! Quinn: M..me? Todd: Sure. Anyone who can understand the Meditations as thoroughly as you do is truly equipped for it. Quinn (smiles nervously) Yeah, I guess so, huh. Todd: Right, well, come on over here and let me sign your pad, dear. Quinn walks deliberately towards him, holds out her notebook to him, and he signs it. *** Todd Richardson, M.A. Department of Philosophy and Religion, University of Bristol. *** Quinn reads it, and smiles. Todd: By the way, would you mind remaining a little after? I wish to inquire something of you. Quinn: Well.um...you can't do it here? Todd: That would be a marvelous idea if what I had to tell you wasn't something personal that has been on my mind since last Saturday. Quinn: Oh...ah...okay. How about if I call you at your hotel later? Todd: That's rather a fair idea, I should like to think. Here, let me have that pad back, and I'll pen my telephone number on it. (Quinn complies, then leaves for home) Scene 7: As Quinn leaves the auditorium, Sandy happens to walk past. Sandy: All right, Quinn. What is the meaning of this. (Her tones are more clipped than usual, indicating severe agitation). Quinn: Oh, hi, Sandy. Ah...um...er.... Sandy: Quinn, I'm warning you! You better not lie to me, do you understand? Quinn: Sandy, I was just seeing how my hair looked in the light in the auditorium. It gives it a rather interesting tinge, you know. Sandy: Yes, and while you were checking your hair in the light did you happen to run into that nerd who is supposedly signing people's belongings? Quinn: Sandy, what are you talking about! Sandy: Look, Quinn. I'm getting a little sick and tired of playing games with you! I want the truth! Quinn (frantic) I swear, Sandy. It was nothing. I just wanted to... Sandy: Oh, forget it Quinn. The rest of us are going to Cashman's. Since I happen to be in a good mood, I'll let you tag along, but no funny business, is that understood? Quinn: Y...yes. (Lowers her head) Scene 8: Later that same evening, Quinn sits down on her bed, picks up her telephone, and dials a number. Ring...ring...ri.. Voice: Hello. Quinn: Ah...yes, may I please speak with (clears her throat) Todd Richardson, please. (Her nervousness is obvious). Todd: Speaking. May I inquire who's calling, please? Quinn: H...hey, Todd, it's Quinn Morgendorfer. How are you? Todd: Oh, hello, Quinn. I'm so glad you called back! Where did you get to? I was starting to worry. At the word "worry," Quinn is slightly surprised. Quinn: Oh, you know. Just out shopping with some friends at this clothing store called Cashman's. Have you heard of... Todd: Oh, come now, Quinn. Don't tell me you spent your time with those two-bit bimboes. (His voice is almost crooning). Quinn feels her face getting hot. Quinn (nervously) W...what do you mean, Todd? Do you even know them? Todd: Oh, Quinn. Your sister told me all about that rubbish. Quinn: My sister? Todd: Oh, yes! We had lunch Tuesday, or didn't I tell you? Quinn: B...but, they're my friends. Todd: Oh, Quinn, you are a card! Don't you realize that they have all the brain power of processed dromedary lard? Quinn: B...but... Todd: Listen, Quinn. Ever since I saw you last Saturday, I've wanted to get to know you a little better. You really impressed me quite potently, you know. Come on over to the hotel tomorrow night. There's a nice little French restaurant on the top floor there that I would like you to see. We can converse and acquaint ourselves with one another. Right, well, how about it? Quinn: Well, ah...mmm...I...guess so. I don't think I have anything planned for tomorrow night, anyway. Todd: Great! Then it's agreed. I'll see you tomorrow night at seven o'clock, okay? Quinn: Okay. I'll be there, Todd. (She says this last in a soft, almost loving voice, and gently hangs up the phone, and sits on her bed and smiles). At that moment, a light rapping is heard at Quinn's door. Quinn: It isn't locked. The door opens and Daria steps through. Daria: Um...Quinn? Can I talk to you for a second? Quinn (slightly surprised) What about? Daria: Um...actually, it's about Todd. Quinn: Todd. You mean Todd Richardson. What about him? Daria: Um...are you really sure you want to hang out with this guy? Quinn: Daria, what on Earth are you talking about? Daria: Quinn, I know it's hard to believe this, but I happened by pure chance to walk past your room and hear you setting up something with him. I had lunch with him the other day, and he seemed really suspicious. Quinn: Look, Daria, just because you have to pull this cynic act doesn't mean I have to go along with it, too. Todd's a really nice guy. I cannot see any reason why he would want to hurt me. Daria: Quinn... Quinn: Look, Daria. I can take care of my own affairs, thank you, and I'd prefer it if you stuck to your own. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare for bed. I need lots of sleep if Todd and I are to get on well tomorrow. Au revoir. Daria: (under her breath) Sianara, sucker. Quinn: What was that, Daria? Daria: Oh, nothing, Quinn. Nothing at all. I was just reciting a funeral dirge I heard once. (She walks away at this point, leaving Quinn staring annoyedly after her). Scene 9: Saturday evening, around six o'clock. Quinn is in the bathroom, fixing a few maladjusted strands of hair, and applying some eyeliner. She sees Daria out of the corner of her eye and turns slightly toward her. Quinn: Oh, hi, Daria. Come to give me one last chance to turn down my (sighs) date this evening. Daria: Look, Quinn. I really think you need to reconsider this. I'm telling you, Todd's bad news. Quinn: Enough, Daria. When everyone in the world agrees with your black-and-white morality, then we'll talk, but until then, you'd best keep your opinions to yourself. Daria: Fine, Quinn. But don't even think about whining your eyes out at me when this guy grinds you into confetti. Quinn: Whatever, Daria, now could you excuse me? I'm trying to... Daria: No, Quinn. I'm serious! I'm so sick of your ego! You're going to rot in hell, and that's all there is to it! Quinn: Okay. Daria storms away. Scene 10: Quinn and Todd meet in front of his hotel, after Jake drops her off. Todd: Good evening, Quinn. Who was that dapper looking fellow there? Quinn: Oh, you know. (giggles nervously) He's actually a friend of my sister's. Todd: Splendid, well, shall we? Quinn smiles, and they enter the hotel and take the elevator to the top floor, a room whose walls are made of glass. Crystal chandeliers hang everywhere. Polished cherry-wood tables and chairs sit neatly lined up in three long rows. Each table has a bleached white tablecloth on it, and place settings spaced equidistant around it. Todd leads Quinn by the hand to a table by a far window Her heart is racing. Quinn: (to herself) Is this real? Is this guy this good? Does he truly, actually, and honestly like me? The two sit down, and a waiter in a black suit promptly approaches them. Waiter: Bon soir, monsieur et mademoiselle. And how are we tonight? Todd (smiling) Oh, charming, Jacques. Merci. Listen, Jacques, I would like to introduce my friend, Quinn, here. Quinn, this is Jacques De Noire. Quinn (chuckles) Jack Black. I like it! Jacques: Ahhhh, I see that Mademoiselle has quite zee command for zee French language, non? Quinn: Well, actually, I just started taking Introductory French this year, but I'm learning fairly fast. Todd: Isn't she modest, Jacques? She put everyone else to shame at the lecture last week, you know. Jacques: Ahhhh, tr`es bien. Maintenant, what shall I bring for you two lovebirds ce soir? A drink, an appetizer, perhaps. Todd: Just a simple Cognac to start, Jacques. Quinn: (scans the menu quickly) Ahhhh...actually, I think I'll have...the...mineral water. Jacques: D'accord. Un Cognac et un l'eau min`erale, right away, mes amis. Scene 11: At the Morgendorfers' house, Daria is sitting on the sofa watching TV. Male Announcer: All he wanted was a little smoochy, but he promised her the world. He told her she was his dream girl, but threw her away like yesterday's garbage. Is it deceptive bliss for a worthless kiss? Find out next on "Sick, Sad World." Daria: Yeah, it is a sick, sad world, especially with egotistical hoe-bags like Quinn living in it! At that moment Helen Morgendorfer walks by, stops and enters the living room. Helen: Daria, what's going on in here? Daria: Oh, nothing, mom. Just realizing that Jerry Springer can't hold a candle to your favorite egotistical slut. Helen: Daria, what in the world's gotten into you! Daria: Oh, come on, mom. Don't tell me you can't read the writing on the wall either! Helen: Daria, you're talking in riddles again! Daria: Quinn's going out with this stuffed shirt from England tonight, and I know he's gonna promise her the world, only to shove it up her skinny little ass in the end. Can't any of you see that? Helen: Daria, you're being an alarmist! Todd seems like a very intelligent, sweet boy. What could he possibly do to Quinn! Daria: That's just it mom! Helen: What! Daria: The operative word here is seems! That bastard's gonna give Quinn the screwing of her life, and no one seems to care but me! Helen: Daria, you're being ridiculous! Daria: No, mom, I'm sick of this! It doesn't seem to matter to you what happens to either of us. All you care about is your stupid-ass careers! Don't you see we'll both be destroyed? Get your head out of your ass! Helen: Young lady, that does it! Go on upstairs until you can act a little more civilized than a rabid gorilla! Daria (stands and flounces toward the stairs) I rest my case! Scene 12: At the hotel restaurant, Quinn and Todd are sipping on beverages brought by the waiter. Todd: You know, Quinn. As I alluded to last night, I had lunch with your sister. I'm not quite certain, but I got the impression she was rather uncomfortable about me. You wouldn't happen to know why, would you? I didn't do anything to offend her, do you think? Quinn: Oh, Todd! Don't be silly! What could you possibly have done that would make her suspicious. Oh wait, don't answer that. Grains of sand make her suspicious. Todd looks at his drink and thinks to himself. Todd (to himself) Oh, Quinn baby, if only you knew! You're about to get it up the ass! Quinn: Todd? Todd (looks up) Oh, ah, sorry about that Quinn, but for some reason I was drawn to the way the bubbles sparkle in the chandelier light. It's really quite beautiful I must say. Wouldn't you agree? Quinn: (sighs) Oh, Todd. You are soooooooo romantic. Todd (to himself) Oh, Quinn. You are such a dumb-ass. Quinn: Todd, I...I...I really like you! You're sweet, intelligent, sensitive...(sighs) Todd: (to himself) Quinn, you're screwed in the head. All I really want is some pucker. I can't get any of the girls at Bristol to pucker up, so some of my buddies challenged me to get some elsewhere. I knew Americans were stupid, but you take the cake, Frenchy. Quinn: Todd, are you all right? Todd: Oh...ah...yeah, I'm fine. I've...just...never been called those things before. It's rather overwhelming. Quinn: He's even modest! Todd (to himself) Like hell. This is all about me, babe. It may be cruel, but I'm a man with a mission, and you're my target! Todd: Say, Quinn. Quinn: (in a soft, loving voice) Yes, Todd? Todd: Would you like to come downstairs to my room after this. I've got something to show you. Don't worry. Wilfredo will be right outside. He's the doorman I hired to keep watch while I'm in and out of my hotel here in the states. Quinn: Ah, sure, Todd, I guess. At that moment the waiter approaches. Waiter: D'accord, mes amis. What shall I bring pour votre entres? Todd: Oh, just some fillet mignon, please, Jacques. That'd be splendid. Quinn: Ah...that is...actually...I'll have that baked salmon, I think. Waiter: Very nice. I shall return tr`es vitement avec votre d`iner. The two sit in silence for a time. Finally Quinn breaks the silence. Quinn: Gee, Todd. That three-piece suit of yours is quite...lovely. Is it new? Todd: Oh, this old thing (tugs on one sleeve and laughs heartily) No no no. I have had this for years. It was actually my father's originally, but he gave it to me. Quinn: What's your father like, Todd? Todd: My father? Oh, he's all right, I suppose. He's not me, though. Quinn: Huh? Todd: He's a roofer, you see. Quinn: How boring! How do you put up with it! Todd: Oh, I don't really have to. He's hardly home. I spend most of my time reading. Quinn: I'll bet that's why you're soooooo intelligent. Todd: Well read. Quinn: Ex-squeeze me? Todd: Oh, I prefer to think of myself as well read. Quinn: Todd, don't be so modest! You're really intelligent! I admire you so much! Todd grits his teeth and clenches one fist under the table, but then is able to regain himself. Todd: (dryly) If you insist. Quinn: What's Bristol like? Todd: Are you referring to the region or the University? Quinn: Well, both, I guess. Todd: Oh, the city's nice enough. I usually stay on campus most of the time. You'd really enjoy it there, you know. Quinn: M...me? Todd: Oh yes. People devote their entire being to academics and scholarship at Bristol, you see. I think you might fit in there rather nicely. In fact, I think you ought to come back with me some time soon, check out the campus, and maybe take a few classes at the Lunsford School. Quinn: W...what's the Lunsford School? Todd: Oh, it's just a private little place some of my late relatives slapped together in the early 1890's. Really a rather quaint little place. You'd learn it all there: philosophy, religion, advanced maths, Classics, music, the lot! Quinn: I...I'm not sure, Todd. I like math, but I'm not sure I'm that good... Todd: Stuff and nonsense, Quinn. You must enjoy maths! Quinn: Oh, I do, but I didn't do that well last year. I got a C for the year. Todd: Don't worry, my dear. As long as you enjoyed it, you can do it. You enjoyed it, didn't you? Quinn: Well...yeah, kind of. Todd: Listen, Quinn honey. Don't let these lowlifes hold you back! I can tell by your eyes that calculus is your cup of tea, love. Quinn: C...c...calculus? Are you sure? Todd: Absolutely. Look, come along with me, and I'll show you a good time in maths. You can start in the spring term. Quinn: But what about my classes... Todd: Quinn, Quinn, Quinn. Forget all that pocket calculator rubbish. You don't need that fiddle-faddle. And you definitely don't need these neophytes holding you back! Quinn: (becoming interested) You, you think...? Todd: I know, now what about it. Are you with me? Quinn: Well, Daria has been nothing but a thorn in my side. And my parents! Bleckh! And the Fashion Club hasn't done anything for me. I mean, we don't actually do anything stimulating. We just shop and bad-mouth people. And of course some of my teachers actually know less than I do! Okay, let me tell my parents, then we're off whenever you are ready, Todd. Todd: That's great. I will call my contacts back in Bristol and let them know it's pretty much settled, right? Quinn: Yes. At that point, Daria comes up behind Quinn and puts one hand on her shoulder. Quinn turns, and her jaw nearly hits the floor. Quinn: (through clenched teeth) Daria, what are you doing! I'm in the middle of beginning the rest of my life. Daria: Quinn, I'm telling you! This guy's a fraud! Quinn: No, Daria. I'm going to private school in Bristol, England starting after the holidays. There's nothing you can do to change my mind! Now please leave us in peace! Daria: Quinn, you aren't going anywhere. This guy's... Quinn (starts to raise her voice) No no no! I'm sick of this Daria! I'm so fed up with everyone running my life! This is my life, do you hear me? You can't tell me what to do anymore! Now get out, Daria! Daria (glares at Todd hotly) I'm going to kill you for this! Don't think you'll get away with this! Todd: I...I don't understand, Daria. I thought you liked me at least a little. Daria: Why don't you go to hell and leave my sister alone before I...! At this point, the waiter appears behind Daria and taps her on the shoulder. Daria: (turns to face him) What do you want, Frenchy! Jacques: Il y a seems to be a problem here, non? Daria: Yeah, I think the French call it le screwing de la vit from le cr`eme de la crapper! Jacques: I'm sorry, Miss, but reservations are required here. I'm afraid I must ask you to leave, oui? Daria: Yeah, and in the meantime Spotted Dick here is gonna shove his up my sister's ass! Jacques: Enough! (He snaps his fingers, and a suited security guard approaches. By this time everyone has turned to see what's up. The guard takes Daria by the arm and leads her away. Daria: I'm killing you for this, brainiac! (She jabs a finger in Todd's direction, but the guard continues to hustle her along, slightly more expeditiously now. Waiter (to Quinn and Todd) I am so sorry. Are monsieur and mademoiselle all right? Quinn and Todd: Yes sir! Waiter: Bon. Carry on. Quinn (biting her lip) Oh, Todd. I'm so... Todd: Worry not, my love. I understand. I was your age once, too! Quinn: You mean...? Todd: Oh yes. Alison Richardson was probably the most overbearing witch in Bristol. Auntie Alison, they called her. Rather amusing, I should like to think! (he chuckles) Quinn: How awful! (She can't help tittering a little as well) Todd: Oh, yes! There was this one time when I offered to buy my mother some tomato ketchup for our dinner. We were low, you see, and Alison comes marching in. She tells my mother: "There's no way you're going to let Todd go anywhere unsupervised, is that understood?" Well, my mother gave her a dressing down that would make Sinead O'Connor flinch! Quinn: Wow! Todd: Yeah, Alison was quite the sporting scrapper, she was. At that point the entres arrive, and Quinn and Todd eat in relative silence. After finishing dinner, Todd and Quinn head downstairs to his hotel room, where a burly Italian man in army fatigues greets them. Todd: Quinn, I'd like you to meet my security watchman, Wilfredo Mancini. Say hello to Quinn Morgendorfer, Willie my boy! Wilfredo (shortly and quite businesslike) Hello, there. You two go in together now? (he shakes Quinn's hand, a little more harshly than she would have preferred) Todd: Yes, that's right, Willie, you can let us in. Reluctantly, Wilfredo produces a set of keys and, selecting one, unlocks the door to Todd's suite. Wilfredo: You go in, but me no wanna hear funny in there. Todd: Oh, don't worry Will. Just keep watch out here! Wilfredo nods his head brusquely. Quinn and Todd enter the suite. It is quite large, with two rooms, wall-to-wall plush carpeting, a fireplace set into one of the far walls, and a queen-sized bed with satin bedclothes. Todd leads Quinn to a drawer, opens it, and produces a small chunk of rock. He holds it out to her. Quinn: Hmmm! What's this, Todd? Todd: Silly, it's a piece of the Blarney Stone. My father finagled our tour guide into giving me a small chunk when we toured Ireland two summers ago. Isn't it beautiful? Quinn: It's...it's...wonderful! (She looks longingly into his eyes) Todd: I've never cared about anyone like this, before, Quinn! You're all I could possibly want! Quinn (nervous) N...n...not, me? Todd bends slightly, cups Quinn's smooth cheeks in his velvet hands, and gently touches his lips to her right cheek. He breathes in and out very slowly, and Quinn closes her eyes on contact. The kiss lasts for a mere ten seconds, but for Quinn, it is a veritable lifetime! Todd strokes Quinn's long, flowing hair, and she gently puts her arms about him and draws him to her. At the end of ten seconds, Todd withdraws. Quinn: Todd! (She is light-headed now, and begins to overbalance. She grabs at the nearby drawer for support, but Todd catches her with both arms. Todd: Easy there, little lady. Quinn: Todd, that was...that was...that was...absolutely incredible! Todd: I liked it too, Quinn. I liked it immensely. And there may be a lot more where that came from. Quinn sighs. Todd: Now, pardon me for a moment. Alcohol always seems to make me have to pee. (He adjourns to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.) Quinn collapses onto Todd's bed, her mind whirling and racing at light speed. Quinn: Oh, Todd. You really do like me! You do! You do! You do! (She becomes dizzy again, and falls back on the bed. All this time she is completely oblivious to the spitting, hacking, and gagging sounds emanating from the bathroom, where Todd is putting on quite a show! He gargles into a cup full of cold water, scrubs his face with a brillo pad from the medicine cabinet, and runs a comb quickly through his hair. He steps from the bathroom and sees Quinn sprawled out. Todd: Quinn? At this Quinn sits bolt upright. Quinn: Oh, Todd. I'm so sorry. I was feeling a little dizzy. Todd: Oh, Quinn! Quinn: No, Todd. I'm serious! You're incredible! I've never met anyone like you! I want to be with you always, Todd! I...I...I...love you...Todd. Todd: I...love you...too, but it is getting rather late, so you should be moving along, right? Quinn (sighs) I suppose! May I use your phone? Todd: Not necessary, my dear! Tonight you go home in style! Quinn: W...what do you mean? Todd: My chauffeur will take you back. I had best remain here and get ready to retire, eh? Quinn: Ah...sure. Where do I go? Todd: Just head to the lobby, dear! Renee, the desk clerk will show you out to the limousine. Quinn (softly) Thank you, Todd! Todd: Oh botheration! 'twasn't anything at all! Now off you go love! I'll catch up with you Monday. I have some loose ends to tie up at the school. Quinn (softly) I'll be there. (She exits the room and makes for the front desk in the lobby.) In the lobby, Quinn approaches the desk and is greeted by a tight-faced little woman with horn-rimmed glasses. Her voice is rather nasal. Woman: (crisply) I am Renee, zee desk clerk. Can I assist you? Quinn: Oh, hi, Renee. Todd Richardson told me I should come down here and... Renee: Right zis way, si vous pla`it. (She motions for Quinn to follow. Quinn follows obediently.) The two exit the hotel into the parking lot, where a limousine sits running. The driver steps out and shakes Quinn's hand. Driver: Hello, Quinn. My name's Douglass. I'll be escorting you home this evening. (Quinn nods and gets in.) Scene 13: Monday morning. Quinn enters the school and immediately sees Todd heading for the main office quite casually. He sees Quinn and smirks. She goes up to him. Quinn (cheerfully) Hi, Todd. How's it going? By the way, I told my sister and the Fashion Club about our date, but...well..you know...they just can't understand! So how are you do... (Todd glares hotly at her.) Todd (sharply) Go away, little girl, you bother me. Why don't you go play with your toys or something. Or maybe you should tell your sweet mommy she wants you! Quinn: T...Todd, what's wrong! I thought! Todd: Yeah, Kid. That's your bloody problem. You think way too damn much! Quinn just stands there flabbergasted, unable to say anything. At this point, as luck would have it, Daria approaches, ostensibly on her way to the main office to pick up a message from home from Helen. She notices Quinn's shocked expression. Daria: Quinn, what's going on? Quinn just stares into space, but can say nothing. Daria: Todd, what the hell is going on? Todd: Who wants to know! Daria: I'm serious, dammit. Why is Quinn acting like that! Todd: Oh, who knows. I suppose it could be that she was shallow, egotistical, and self-absorbed enough to actually think that someone of my intelligence would go out with a two-bit bitch like her! Look at her standing there like the brainless bimbo that she is, not saying a bloody word for God's sake! Quinn (finally) But...Todd...you said.... Todd: Christ almighty! All I wanted from you was a kiss! My buddies at Bristol said if I could kiss some hoe-bag without getting pimp-slapped they'd finally recognize me as a sociable member of society. I never was before... Daria: (clenches her teeth) And you still aren't! Todd: Right, well, at least I won the bet, and that's all that's important, eh? At this Daria's stoic wall falls away. She lunges and slaps Todd clear across his mouth. Daria (through clenched teeth) Sorry, stick boy! Looks like you lost this bet after all! Oh, wait, I'm sorry. Now Lenny's gonna hate me. And I was such good friends with him! Now what shall I do? Todd: (wincing) What the f*ck are you talking about? Daria: Lenny is a friend of mine down at the Lawndale office of the A.S.P.C.A. He'll never forgive me for what I just did to you! But I do, (affects a mock British accent) and that's all that's important, eh? Todd: Yeah, well take another shot, bitch! Then we'll see how f*cking sorry you are! Daria: (begins to raise her voice) Oh, but I've already got a good approximation of that! I won't be nearly half as sorry as you'll be if you ever, ever, ever come within twenty feet of my sister again. Now get outta here before I call the janitor! (With each "ever" Daria's voice rises to a near shout, quite unusual for her.) As for Quinn, she has stood, taking it all in. She can stand no more, and emits a high-pitched screech that could conceivably shatter Plexiglass. Quinn (with a mixture of unbridled passion and despair) Noooooooo! Noooooooooo! Nooooooooooooo! Todd? Why? Todd? Why? (She runs frantically from the scene, sobbing bitterly) At this juncture Angela Lee approaches. Ms. Lee: All right! All right! All right! Ms. Morgendorfer (points at Daria), Mr. Richardson (points at Todd) What is the meaning of this! Daria: (hands clenched in fists of pure fury) Oh, nothing, Ms. Lee! I was just taking out the garbage! Todd: Go to hell, you worthless little whore! Daria: See you there, fartboy! Ms. Lee: Silence! Ms. Morgendorfer, to class with you, now! And as for you, Mr. Richardson, I'd strongly suggest you get your things together. Your plane leaves in ninety minutes! Todd nods, begins walking up the corridor from Daria and Ms. Lee, turns, gives Daria the finger, and disappears. Daria turns and marches deliberately to class. Scene 14: Quinn is seated alone in the lunchroom, wolfing down a sandwich. Sandy approaches and stands by Quinn's chair. Sandy: Gee, Quinn! What in the world's your problem? Quinn: Oh, what does it matter, Sandy? All men suck anyway! Sandy: What are you talking about, Quinn? Quinn: Oh, nothing, Sandy. I just had a really bad date Saturday night. Sandy: Gee, Quinn. It must have been awful. Your eyes are all red and puffy! Very unfashionable! Maybe if you tell me about it! I'm sure you'll feel much better after bad-mouthing him a little. Quinn (laughs nervously) Ahhh...uh...that is...I don't know...it's not that important! He was just like all the other guys... Sandy: Come on, Quinn! Let's hear it! Quinn: Really, Sandy, it was nothing. I... Sandy: (in very clipped tones) So what you are trying to say is that we're not worthy enough to hear about your mystery date? Was your date better than ours? Quinn (slightly panicked) Sandy, no! Sandy: Well, then. If you don't want to compromise your high status in the Fashion Club, I'd suggest you tell all. Quinn looks about frantically, not sure what to say. Finally she speaks. Quinn: (in very low tones) It was with Todd. Sandy: Ex-squeeze me! Quinn: I just told you, Sandy! Sandy: (annoyed) I didn't hear you, Qu... Quinn: (angrily) It was with Todd, okay? Now why don't you just rip my head off like I know you want to! Sandy: What the devil is wrong with you, Quinn? If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times, it's not fashion-conscious to date brains, nerds, and geeks, is it! You're supposed to date jocks, retards, and other people of good fashion sense who you can take advantage of! I can't believe you sunk to this level Quinn! Quinn: But I thought he liked me! He even kissed me, Sandy! Then this morning he tells me to go away, and that I bother him! Sandy: First of all, Quinn, I would suggest you go home and gargle with disinfectant. Secondly, why on Earth were you kissing a brain in the first place? Quinn: He treated me so nice Saturday, Sandy! I honestly thought he deeply cared... Sandy: Oh, stop it, Quinn! You're making me sick! You got what you deserved! If you were stupid enough to fall for such a cheap trick, then you had it coming! Quinn: (stands up and jabs her index finger in Sandy's face) You know what, Sandy! I don't think I care what you think anymore! I am getting a little sick and tired of being ordered around by you and those other hunks of fluff over there! And I'm sick to death of being told what I've done wrong! (her voice starts to rise now) Nothing I ever do is good enough for you! Well, guess what, Sandy! I'm finished. I'm done taking orders, and I'm done taking abuse! Effective immediately you are minus a vice-president! Now get out of my life! Sandy (slightly taken aback) Fine, Quinn! I'm sad to see you go, but we don't need you! We don't need anyone! Quinn: Don't you, Sandy? Don't you? Scene 15 At home, Quinn is lying on her bed, sobbing softly. She notices the slab of stone Todd had given her during their fiasco, and walks to it. It is not large, but not miniscule, either. It measures about six or seven inches on a side. She picks it up in both hands, turns slowly toward her window, and looks at it. Slowly, a demonic, insane smile works its way across Quinn's face. She holds the stone in her right hand, slings it back, and hurls it full-tilt at her closed window. An explosive crash is heard, and the rock sails a short distance through the air before landing with a thud on the lawn. Quinn begins laughing. It is the laugh of a lunatic, of someone driven to the edge, and then shoved over it. Her eyes are burning, wide and wild, and her nostrils are flaring. Her heart is racing. At that moment, a loud knock is heard at the door. Quinn: (almost demonically) Who is it? The door swings open, and Daria steps in. Daria (shocked) Quinn, what the hell happened in here? Quinn (continues to laugh demonically) Oh, nothing, good sister! I was just getting rid of the one thing that actually meant something in my life. Daria: Quinn, I don't know what happened Saturday, but it's obviously bothering you to the point of manifest violence. Quinn: Oh, don't worry, sis. You don't have to cheer me up. I don't deserve it! I'm beyond help! But I can't help but remember what you said the other day. I guess I am brainless, egotistical, and a worthless hoe-bag! Daria: Quinn... Quinn: No, Daria, I don't blame you! You were right, as always, and I screwed up royal! I got what I deserved! Thank you for helping me see the light, Daria! Daria: Quinn! No one deserves to be treated like a worthless piece of park trash! That guy gave you one up the ass! Quinn: I do deserve it! (now her demonic laughter has turned to frantic hiccupping) Daria: No, Quinn! Quinn (suddenly her demonic, insane exterior is shattered, whether by Daria or of its own accord( Yes I do, yes I do, yes I do! She collapses on the bed and begins sobbing dejectedly. Daria walks to the bed and sits down. She strokes Quinn's soft hair for a while. Quinn continues to sob, emitting hiccupping noises punctuated by high-pitched squeals of utter despondency and despair. Daria continues stroking her hair for a few moments, until Quinn turns her face toward Daria. Quinn (through tears) Why, Daria? Why are you comforting me! You were right Daria: Quinn. Quinn: I am shallow and egotistical! Daria (a little louder) Quinn. Quinn: No, Daria. I was stupid and egotistical enough to fall for that jerk. I made my bed, now I have to... Daria: Quinn! You don't deserve anything like that! Quinn: No? And why not! Daria: (suddenly, her lip begins to quiver) Be...be...because...you...you're my sister, dammit! Quinn: Then why...why did you... Daria: I don't know. I was trying to be overprotective, I suppose. Todd told me on Tuesday that he was a man with a mission. I wasn't sure what he meant by it then, but I'm pretty sure I am now! He really hurt you, didn't he, Quinn? Quinn (her tears flow anew) Oh, Daria. He...he bought me dinner. He gave me a piece of the Blarney Stone. He told me I was the most intelligent girl he'd ever met! He...he said I was a true scholar. Calculus was right up my alley. We would live happily ever after! Then...then...then he kissed me! I'd never felt anything like it in my life! It was too good to be true! Daria: Quinn, calculus isn't always up my alley. I should know, I'm taking it this year. Quinn (suddenly sits up deliberately) But...but...but...he said I was smart and everything. I believed him! Isn't that shallow enough? Daria; Quinn, that's just you being human. Every human being wants to be recognized. Every person wants to be loved in some way. They want to know that what they do is deeply appreciated by all. They...they want to matter to someone. Quinn: But I was stupid and full of myself enough not to realize that Todd was deceiving me, even when you knew he was and tried to tell me! (She starts to sob again, a little more softly this time) Daria hesitantly stretches out her left hand, and, quite deliberatively, places it gently on Quinn's soft, trembling shoulder. Daria: Quinn, I really should learn to mind my own business! Quinn (through sobs) No, Daria. I'm the dumb one! You should be ordering me around! Daria: No, Quinn. I shouldn't. You were right the other night. It's your life. You have to decide for yourself. Quinn (still sobbing a little) But...but...but...I'm all mixed up. How do I know when to take advice and when not to? And how do I know when someone's being straight with me? Daria: (matter-of-factly) Actually, I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but as it turns out that's kind of the risk you've got to take. Quinn: But, Daria, I'm...I'm...so...scared! (She starts sobbing again) Daria: You know, Quinn, most people spend a good part of their lives trying to get un-scared and un-mixed-up. Look, you can trust lots of people. Take it from me! I've trusted Jane, forever. Yes, we've had our disagreements now and then, but true friends can work through all that. Quinn: But...Daria, I want to get un-scared now! Daria: Quinn, you're young yet. You've still got some learning to do. We all do. Life isn't always an open-and-shut case! You just kind of have to go with it and give people a chance to be your friend, or help you, or do things to or for you. Quinn just looks at Daria. Quinn: Can I trust anyone? Daria: You...you can trust me. Quinn: Will I ever get smart enough to...figure stuff out on my own. Daria: Well, you did figure out about Todd. Now you know what to look for. And then, of course, there's the Fashion Club! Quinn: Huh? Daria: Sandy just couldn't wait to tell me about their little membership change! You made that decision on your own, right? Quinn: (nods) I...I...I...I...love you...D...Daria! Daria (accepts Quinn's now outstretched arms) I...I...I love you, too, Quinn! A solitary tear trickles down Daria's cheek. Quinn notices. Quinn: You know. I just noticed something. There is someone who cares about me and is...well...in a way...my friend. (She pats Daria's head) Daria nods slightly. Daria: Say, Quinn. Jane and I were going for pizza later. Did...did you wanna come? Quinn (quizzically) But Daria. Why would you want your younger sister hanging all over you? Daria: It's no problem. I think we'll both appreciate you for who you are and who you're becoming. Quinn suddenly smiles, and her eyes light up. She walks over to her CD player, takes out a CD and puts it in. She forward searches a couple of times, and a song begins to play. *** Since you've been gone, well I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil. Since you've been gone, it's like I've got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil. Well I'm feeling like I stuck my hand inside a blender and turned it on. You know I've been in a butt load of pain, since you've been gone. Since you've been gone, it couldn't feel any worse if you dropped a two-ton bowling ball on my toes. It couldn't hurt anymore if you shoved a red-hot cactus up my nose. Since you've been gone, well it feels like I'm getting tetanus shots everyday. Since you've been gone, it's like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away. Ever since the day you left me, I've been so miserable my dear. (Quinn sings this final line louder than the others) I feel almost as bad as I did, when you were still here. *** Quinn starts laughing, and Daria can't help but chuckle herself. Daria: Now that's the Quinn I remember. Now freshen up, and later we'll give 'em hell down at the pizza parlor. Quinn: Daria. Daria: Yeah? Quinn: Thanks. Daria: Ah, what the hell. It's a living, right? Quinn: No, Daria. I mean it! I needed that! Daria (lower) Sure. Scene 16: Daria is seated on the couch later that evening, watching TV. Helen walks in. Helen: Hi, Daria. Daria: Hey. Helen: What you did earlier, for Quinn I mean. That was really something special. Daria: Yeah, well, Todd was being an ass, and I guess she doesn't totally deserve that! Helen: I'm serious, Daria. You looked beyond yourself and reached out to someone who needed you very, very badly. I'm proud to be your mom, right now, and I'm proud to call you my daughter, Daria. Helen walks over and embraces Daria. We see a tear form at the corner of Daria's eye, but at that moment the credits appear and begin to roll to "Nothing Without Love" by Jewel. Postscript: I hope you have enjoyed my little work of art. It took some time to write, but I hope people will have a better understanding of Quinn after reading it. She is, after all, quite misunderstood, as this story indicates. I hope my words have shed light on the human condition in a very real way for you, the reader. Bryan McGucken Disclaimer: "Daria" and all characters used in this story are the property of MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. "Since You've Been Gone," is the property of Weird Al Yankovich and Capital Records. "Nothing Without Love" is the property of Jewel Kilcher and Capital Records. This piece is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to actual persons, living or deceased, which appear as a result of this writing are purely coincidental.