"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is *not* an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... Actually, this *is* part of a real episode -- the last part of "Depth Takes a Holiday," by Sam Johnson and Chris Marcil, followed by my own take on what Daria might have done to spawn the holiday fantasy. [BTW: I, personally, didn't think the episode was too bad, but I know some people loathed it because it broke from reality. Well, here's my attempt to bridge the gap between reality and fantasy... sort of.] A DESPERATELY NEEDED ENDING (to Depth Takes a Holiday) -- by Kara Wild (first part from actual episode by S.M. and C.M.) (Daria and Jane have returned home to Lawndale after their happy romp on Holiday Island, where they'd helped their good friends Christmas, Halloween, and Guy Fawkes Day start up a band. Now, Daria enters her house. She finds her parents arguing and Quinn hurtling toward the stairs.) DARIA: (to Quinn) Hey, what's going on? QUINN: Absolutely nothing and I am sick of it! I can't continue to live my life like some kind of monk in a nunnery! (rushes upstairs) DARIA: Actually -- (Helen and Jake argue on the couch) JAKE: Well, don't blame me! HELEN: Oh, oh, and you want to blame me! JAKE: Get off my back, Helen! Leave me the hell alone! (Daria looks at them, then smirks.) DARIA: God bless us, every one. (cut to: ) SCENE # (Daria's room, night -- the beginning of my fanfic!) (Daria sits boltright up in bed, gasping. After a few seconds, she begins to calm down, and slowly turns her head from side-to-side to get a look at her room. cut to Daria's P.O.V., pan across the room. Everything looks normal -- the padded walls, the sawed-off bars on the windows, the bone poster, the computer, the closet, the T.V. nearby. cut to close-up Daria) DARIA: Thank God, it was just a dream. (Beat) I'll never eat spicy chicken chow mein while watching "A Marilyn Manson Christmas Special" ever again. (Beat) I'd like to preserve my sanity at least until I get a job in corporate America. (cut to her P.O.V., pan across the room. We see the padded walls, the sawed-off bars on the windows, the bone poster, the computer, the closet, and the T.V. nearby. cut to close-up Daria) DARIA: Everything seems fine. And quiet. (Beat) Almost *too* quiet. I wonder if I'm still dreaming? (cut to a wider shot of Daria in bed. She pulls back the covers and gets up. cut to a shot of Daria's computer. She walks over and examines it carefully. Her face takes on a look of horror.) DARIA: O my *God*!!! (then she looks again, sees the Mac logo, relaxes) Oh wait, there it is. (Beat) If I got saddled with a P.C., then this truly *would've* been a nightmare. (Beat. grumble) For my *parents*. (cut to shot of Daria's closet. Daria walks over to it, opens the door a crack, and peeks inside.) DARIA: Nope, the closet doesn't open into a fourth dimension. (closes the door, turns around) (cut to shot from Daria's P.O.V., pan across the room. We see the T.V., the bed, the padded walls, the windows with sawed-off bars, the bone poster, the door, the bookshelves, and the computer. cut to close-up Daria.) DARIA: And although I'm not wearing my glasses, I have perfect vision. (Beat) This *must* be a dream. (cut to a shot of the door from Daria's P.O.V. Suddenly, it flies open, and a giant monster with eight Quinn heads bursts into the room. For a moment it stands there, quivering and dripping saliva, making harsh guttural sounds. Then it sees Daria and barrels toward her. The monster stands over her, looking as though it's ready to pounce. Daria calmly gazes at its scaly green skin and razor sharp teeth.) DARIA: Yep. (She pats her cheek lightly and vanishes with a *Poof*. Then does the monster, then the entire room.) (cut to: ) SCENE ## (still a *dream*??????) (Daria lies asleep, sprawled across a bed, covered over by a white sheet. She looks wasted. After a second or two, she opens her eyes. cut to her P.O.V. We see Jane's face overhead, blurry one moment, then clear, then blurry again.) DARIA: (groggy) Where... am I? (cut to normal shot, with Jane in clear focus. She appears to be standing in front of a green curtain.) JANE: (gentle, calm) Some would say the land of the living... buuuut, I'm not so sure. (Jane nods her head in the direction opposite of Daria. cut to a slightly wider shot, with Jane standing to one side. We see, through a large gap in the green curtain, an old man with a respirator being wheeled by a nurse.) (offscreen, over the P.A: "paging Dr. Fargus... Dr. Fargus..." cut to wider shot, showing Daria and Jane. Daria sits up straight in bed. Her back is to us, and we see she's wearing a white backless gown. The rest of her surroundings are also more apparent. The green curtain extends around Daria's bed, except for the gap which allows people to come in and out.) DARIA: I'm in a *hospital*?!! (Jane is about to reply, when Dr. Phillips from "Ill" pokes his head through the gap.) DR: (friendly, calm) Well hi, Daria. (walks over and stands beside her.) I see you've finally come to. DARIA: (frustrated, worried) Come to from *what*?!! (cut to Daria's P.O.V. Jane stands on her right, Dr. Phillips on her left.) JANE: (to Dr. Phillips) Uh, maybe I'd better explain. (Beat) See, Daria, you got a little, er, *excited* at school today, so Ms. Li called in some guys and they took you down here. (Daria raises a brow skeptically. [Yes, since she's not wearing her glasses, she actually has *eyebrows* to raise!]) DARIA: Excited? That doesn't sound right -- nothing at school excites me. DR: (calm) I'm afraid you were behaving in a rather uncooperative and disturbing manner. DARIA: More so than usual? DR: (continuing) For your sake and the school's, the riot squad had to take you here to be sedated for a few hours. (Daria frowns a little harder.) DARIA: *Riot squad*??? (Beat) Geez, whatever I did, it must've been pretty bad. (Beat) What, did I speak out against illegal locker searches again? (Pause. Jane turns her eyes away, looks embarrassed.) JANE: No, actually, it was more like you *tripped* out... on an illegal substance. DARIA: *What*?!!! JANE: (putting up her hands in a "calm down" motion) Let me explain. (Beat) It may be a bit hazy to you, but remember that fruitcake the school served us at lunch, in their festive little attempt to bring Christmas to March? (irritated, grumbles) Although *really* it was an attempt to unload the two tons of fruitcake that the staff had received as Christmas gifts from the school board... DARIA: I think it's coming back to me. (makes a sour face) I can still *taste* it. JANE: Yeah, well, the berries in the fruitcake... (to Dr. Phillips) what's the term? DR: *Transmutated*. JANE: Oh yeah... the berries had transmutated between Christmas and now... into a powerful form of *LSD*. (Daria sits there silently for a few seconds. Then alarm grows on her face.) DARIA: (slowly, trying to stay calm) Jane, *what* was I doing after I ate that --? (Jane makes an "Ix-nay" motion with her hands.) JANE: Yoooou don't want to know. (Beat) Let's just say the school's gonna need a really good detergent to clean those urine stains off of the blackboards. (Beat) Oh, and you may want to apologize to Brittany for thinking her head was a ping-pong ball... *yeeowch*. (Beat) And don't look under your gown -- the little elves who live in your colon might still be crawling around. (Daria looks like she might throw up.) DARIA: Ohhhh *God*. (Beat) This is worse than that crappy dream I had about the holidays! (She lightly slaps one of her cheeks, then the other. Seeing that nothing happens, Daria slaps each cheek harder, then again, and again. Meanwhile Jane and Dr. Phillips are eyeing her as though they're sure she's losing her mind again.) JANE: Daria??? (She sees the expressions on their faces, and stops. Pause.) DR: Uh, I think I'll go find your mother and tell her you're awake. (he leaves) DARIA: My *mom's* here? JANE: Yeah, giving hell to the school's lawyers over the phone. (Beat) She was here when I arrived -- holding your hand, watching you sleep. It was kinda cute. (Daria makes a "gag me" face.) DARIA: Could this *get* much worse????? JANE: (smirking) Probably. Things can always get worse. (Daria glares at Jane.) DARIA: (sarcastic) You're a real Florence Nightingale, you know that??? (Pause. she sighs) Well, at least there's *one* consolation to this pathetic mess: the whole hospital's probably filled with kids like me, who got wasted on two-month old fruitcake and trashed the school. (Pause. Jane looks embarrassed again and says nothing.) DARIA: (fully alarmed) You mean *I'm* the only one who ate --? JANE: Uh, yeah. (Pause. Daria looks stunned and miserable. She sits there for a few seconds, then raises one hand and slaps herself hard across the face.) DARIA: (grumbling) God damn. God damn us, every one. ******************** THE END ***You are now entering commercial *HELL*. Please keep your seatbelt securely fastened. Ha, you thought that since this was a *short* fanfic, you wouldn't have to watch any commercials... think again! However, since this *is* short, I'll only show you one.... and I think it's one that you'll like. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *** "Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Daria finally decides to admit her true feelings to Trent. (Pause) But could she have been beaten to the punch? (shot of a stunned Daria in the background, watching a silhouette of Trent making out with another woman in the foreground) Find out next week on an all new 'Daria'...." O-kaaay, so maybe you wouldn't like that one. Oh well, too late... this is commercial *HELL* after all................ Aren't you happy you survived... or have you???????? fanfic the property of Kara Wild, copyright April 1999 [one week after the completion of "Rose-Colored Lenses"]