A CURSE OF BAD TIMING
A Daria fan fiction by SoulfulZen
Jane is cursed by a gypsy, with steamy results. This is not part of any series.
Crossover [Daria/Simpsons episode Hex in the City, from Tree house 12]
Time period: Between Is It Fall Yet? and Season 5
Scene 1: A very ethnic town. Jane is going into a future seer's office.
Jane: Is this the gypsy's office?
Gypsy: Yes. I see you have many questions. But I have one for you. Are you a cop? Cause you gotta tell me if you are.
Jane: What if I said yes?
Gypsy: I would kick you out.
Jane: What if I said that I thought that this future seeing stuff was bull$h!t.
Gypsy: Shut it with the pointless chit-chat and tell me if you are a cop.
Jane: I might be.
Gypsy: Are you or not?
Jane: Why should I tell you?
Gypsy: I will give you one final chance. Tell me if you are a cop, or I will curse you and your comedic timing!
Jane: Okay! I'm not.
Gypsy: Good. Then I will give you your answers. But you must give me...
Jane: My firstborn, right?
Gypsy: SHUT UP!!! I AM TIRED OF YOUR PERFECT COMEDIC TIMING!!! NOW I WILL CURSE YOU!!! YOU WILL HAVE THE ULTIMATE WORST TIMING POSSIBLE!!! (slams door in Jane's face)
(Jane walks away, seeming off. She is hit with a dart marked "Mixed Priorities Potion". Oh dear.)
Scene 2: Holiday Island, big cistern marked "CUPID'S LOVE GAS! STAY AWAY!" Suddenly a gasket pops and a LARGE cloud sprays into the wormhole behind the Chinese Restaurant. Oh dear.
Scene 3: Daria and Tom, doing homework together. Suddenly a pink cloud appears and they make out. Similar things happen to Janet and Timothy, and other couples. Oh dear.
Scene 4: The supermarket, three weeks later. A weary stock boy is pushing a cart down an aisle. He is mobbed by Tom, Skyler, Kevin, Joey, Jeffie, Jamie, Jake, Jane's dad, Trent, Upchuck and Mr. O'Neil. They all reach into the box.
Tom: We've hit the goldmine! (all there pull out small boxes)
(All leave, then zoom to see label on large box. It is marked with the label TROJAN. Oh dear.)
Scene 5: Jane is sitting in her room, making a sculpture of a shattered guitar over something or other that looks like the gypsy.
Jane: Damn. I'm out of guitar strings. I'll just ask Trent for some.
(Goes in Trent's room. Sees him with Monique. Both naked. Jane slams door.)
Jane: Okay, that was messed. I'll ask dad. He's home AND he knows where Trent's guitar strings are.
(Walks into their room. Ditto as with Trent and Monique. Jane slams door.)
Jane: Umm, yeah. Something's wrong. Maybe I need help. Maybe Brittany has some idea.
(Just so you know, that's two walk-ins. If you think that's all, you don't know me. I have a very demented mind. Oh dear.)
Scene 6: Brittany's house. Jane walks up, rings the doorbell, and Ashley Amber answers.
Ashley-Amber: Oh hi! You must be one of Brittany's friends. She's in her bedroom.
(Jane goes up. Opens door. Brittany and Kevin are doing something very compromising. You get my drift. Jane slams door.)
Jane: Okay, I'm cursed. It's either Mr. O'Neil or *shudder* Upchuck that may be able to help me.
(Okay, how many walk-ins can we count? For all of you who said "three", good job! For everyone else, you have the brains of a turd. Oh dear.)
Scene 7: After school. In the hall. Oh dear.
Jane: Alright, I just hope nobody's in there doing anything odd.
(Opens door. Ms. Barch and Mr. O'Neil are there. Keeping to the predictable format of my story. Yeah. Jane slams door.)
Jane: $h!t. Alright, I'm down to Upchuck. (to passing janitor) Have you seen Upchuck?
Janitor: You mean that Ruttheimer kid? Yeah, he's in Mr. DeMartino's room.
(She goes to Mr. DeMartino's room. Upchuck is enacting his fantasies upon Andrea. (?!) Jane slams door.)
Jane: Okay, maybe I can ask Daria. I don't know WHY I didn't ask her first.
(Umm, yeah. Is my story getting too predictable? And can anyone guess what she sees at Daria's house? You get the point. Oh dear.)
Scene 8: Daria's house. Jane knocks and the door swings open. Nobody's there.
(Jane goes up the stairs)
Jane: Okay, if Daria's with Tom, I call the last person I can. *shudder* Allison.
(Author's Note: Allison is the Bisexual at the art camp in Is It Fall Yet?)
(Jane opens the door. In case you are so DENSE that you cannot figure out what Jane has walked in on every time she opens a door, she has walked in on people having sex. Tom and Daria are indeed following my theme. Jane slams the door.)
Jane: Alright, that's it. I have to call Allison. I'll ask Daria's mom and dad if I can use their phone.
(Um, yeah. She walks up to the door, opens it, sees the two following my theme, and slams it.)
Jane: Great, now I have to ask Quinn if I can use the phone.
(Note: This is not going to follow my theme. No, the fashion club are not having lesbian pleasures. It's something similar, but different.)
(Jane opens the door and sees the fashion club, Joey, Jeffie, Jamie, and Skyler having a !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GANGBANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She slams the door.)
(Yeah, that's the big plot twist. Oh dear.)
Scene 9: Holiday Island. That same cistern. Cupid is holding up St. Patrick's Day by the armpits.
Cupid: There! I hope that didn't cause too much trouble.
Patrick: Or a higher birth rate. Now PUT ME DOWN! My armpits are aching.
Cupid: Okay, okay.
Scene 10: Daria's house, Jane, just after she said "Eeeewww"
(Jane's pocket vibrates. She takes out a cell phone, slaps her head, and calls Allison)
Jane: Hello, may I speak to Allison?
Jane: Hi, it's Jane. I need help. I'm cursed with bad timing.
Allison: What, is your comedic timing off?
Jane: Worse. I keep walking in on couples.
Allison: Oh. That sucks.
Jane: I know. You're my last hope. Any solutions?
Allison: I have some. Meet me in the art colony. My cabin. I'll buy you dinner.
Jane: None of your twisty, turny mind games. Can't you just tell me now?
Allison: Sorry, but no.
Jane: Fine. I'll be over in a few hours. We'll talk. That's all. No dinner.
Allison: Fine. Whatever.
Scene 11: The Art Colony. Allison's cabin.
Allison: Good to see you again.
Jane: Whatever. My timing is cursed. You said you had some ideas.
Allison: One, never leave your room again. Make no contact of any kind.
Jane: Nope. I don't have any food in my room.
Allison: Oh. Fine. Two, find a leprechaun.
Jane: Ha. Very funny. But really.
Allison: No, really. Just dig a pit, and fill it with shamrocks and beer.
Jane: How about Lucky Charms?
Allison: No, that attracts little kids on sugar rushes.
Jane: I might do that, but what's option three?
Allison: First, how did you get cursed?
Jane: I pissed off a gypsy.
Allison: Okay, then get a mystic hooker.
Allison: Alright, I'll explain. You know what a normal hooker is?
Jane: Umm, yeah.
Allison: These are just like them, except they need to be paid in voodo equipment.
Jane: So, they only screw gypsies and witch doctors?
Allison: Right. To get one attracted near you, you put a giant treasure chest full of old porno mags in a forest, and brace it open with a stick. Eventually, one will fall in, knocking the stick out. They only come out at night, and only when people are near. Specifically, two people who have recently screwed each other. Within that very night.
Jane: Okaaaay, what can I do? More specifically, who?
Allison: I'll donate the literature if it's the two of us waiting there for the M.H.
Jane: Shit. I'll think about it.
Allison: You have five minutes. Then Daniel is introducing me to a few gallery owners.
Jane: Daniel? Daniel Dotson? That Daniel?
Allison: One and the same.
Jane: Damn, my timing IS bad.
Allison: Had you arrived an hour earlier, you would have seen me with a hooker.
Jane: Whew. Thank god for my bad timing at the stop light. Alright, fine. I know I'll hate myself until I'm fifty.
Allison: Well, when can we meet up?
Jane: 7:30 PM, the woods near Bob's fishing shop. Then, we drive to that haunted forest. Tonight.
Scene 12: The Haunted Forest. There is a sign nearby that says "Haunted Woods and Mystic Sanctuary. No curse reaches you here." Jane and Allison drive up in an unknown car, probably Allison's
Jane: Alright, let's set up camp. Far from the road.
(Both begin walking, Jane is carrying a large bag that says "Camping Gear: Just Add Sleeping Bags". Allison is carrying a large chest. Both are carrying sleeping bags. Watch appears showing "8:00". Then it shifts to "9:30")
Jane: This will do. Let's set up camp.
(They begin to unpack. Scene shift to full set up camp. Including the chest.)
Jane: No, and I'll never by. But let's get this over with.
Scene 13: The next morning. Forest. The chest is closed.
Jane: Thank god it's over. Actually, that felt kind of good.
Allison: I saw a t-shirt that said "Sex is like fishing. If it's good, then it's very, very good. If it's bad, then it's still pretty darn good."
Jane: I almost agree. Unless it's against your will or you really don't want to.
Allison: Fine. Let's make sure the thing's in there.
Jane: Okay. (opens chest) We have let's see, pixie, sprite, dryad.
Hamadryad: That's hamadryad! However, there is a dryad in there.
Jane: Sorry. Ah, here's the dryad. Pixie, goblin, hobgoblin, bigfoot, nessie, Jackie O'Nassis, leperchaun, stoner, and ah! Is this it?
Allison: Yep, that's one of those magical hookers.
M.H.: Let me go!
Scene 14: The Gypsy's hut. Jane has the M.H. by the neck with a dog collar.
Jane: Oh miss gypsy? Hello? Look, I'm sorry for what I said. I have something to make it up to you.
Gypsy: (walking from behind door marked "Little Gypsy's room") What do you have for... oh! A mystic hooker! I shall remove the curse.
Jane: Thank you!
Scene 15: Daria's house. Daria is on the phone with Jane.
Daria: So where were you when Cupid came to apologize for his love gas tank leaking?
Jane: Love gas! That helps explain it.
Daria: Explain what?
Daria: Out with it.
Jane: Maybe later.