What Goes Around

What Goes Around

Feedback (good, bad, indifferent, just want to bother me, whatever) is appreciated. Please write to: theangstguy@yahoo.com

Synopsis: There are lots of ways in which “Dye! Dye! My Darling” could have come out better. And there are lots of ways it could have ended far, far worse.

Author's Notes: This story was first created as a sequel to an unnamed story fragment by Scissors MacGillicutty. He created an Iron Chef called “Lying About ‘The Kiss’” in May 2009, asking writers to consider what might have happened if Daria had lied to Jane about the Kiss (in “Dye! Dye! My Darling”), telling her best friend nothing about the event. This would allow Tom to break up with Jane before progressing with his relationship with Daria, and thus prevent Jane from being hurt and save the great friendship between Daria and Jane. But would it work in reality? Is betrayal too great an event to be kept hidden from the one person it would most hurt? Scissors provided a story starter, then left the door open for responses. This was one of them. The story has been rewritten so it stands on its own.

Note: Harriet the Spy is a real book, an award-winner by Louise Fitzhugh published in 1964. It is excellent and a powerful read.

Acknowledgements: All hail the great and powerful Scissors MacGillicutty!

SCENE: Darkness.

JANE LANE [VOICE OVER]: There was a great book I remember reading as a kid, called Harriet the Spy. It’s about this girl who spies on everyone and screws up her life and everyone else’s in the process. To avoid alienating everyone in her school, she finally relies on a bit of advice given to her by a well-meaning adult: Sometimes you have to lie. So in the end she does, denying that she meant any of the awful things she wrote about people while she was spying on them. She manages to salvage a few friends as a result.

I found that bit of advice rather interesting and mulled it over throughout my school years. Was it true that sometimes you had to lie to do the right thing? Was lying sometimes the best thing you could do to save a disastrous situation of your own creation? It made me wonder.

Then one day God decided to put it to the test. God made me the guinea pig. The person who administered the test turned out to be the person I had once thought of as my best friend, the only real friend I had ever known.

True or false: Sometimes you have to lie.

SCENE: We now open on a night view of the Landon family’s backyard. A party is in full swing with adults and Lawndale High students in attendance. Words appear briefly at the bottom of the screen: One Year After The Kiss. The scene shifts to Jane Lane, standing on the high wooden porch overlooking the yard. She rests her elbows on the railing, looking with glazed eyes out over the festivities. She toys with an empty plastic cup in her hands, but does not look at it. Her outfit is much the same as always, though she wears a dark gray T-shirt instead of a red one.

In the background behind her, we see Daria Morgendorffer exit the sliding doors leading out to the porch. She has changed from her usual depictions in canon: she now wears a white blouse and green skirt, with her hair done up in an attractive but restrained fashion. Her glasses have stylish oval lenses. She looks around, sees Jane, and stops. She glances back inside the house, as if about to re-enter, then changes her mind. She slowly makes her way over to Jane.

DARIA: (clears throat) Hey.

Jane draws a deep breath and looks down at the cup in her hands. She does not turn around.

JANE: Hey.

DARIA: How have you been?

Jane shrugs, playing with the cup.

DARIA: (swallows, nervous) We haven’t talked for a while.

Jane does not respond.

DARIA: Where... where are you going to college?

JANE: (after a pause, low voice) I’m not.

DARIA: You’re not? I thought... you talked one time about getting—

JANE: I’m not.

Daria does not know what to do with that. She appears increasingly uncomfortable.

DARIA: Are you staying in Lawndale?

Jane shrugs.

Daria seems to come to a resolution. She lists her chin and takes a step closer to Jane.

DARIA: Tom and I broke up.

JANE: (after a beat, she nods) I know. Word gets around.

DARIA: Things didn’t work out.

JANE: (to the cup) Are you still going to Bromwell?

DARIA: Uh... yeah. He’s okay with that. We think we can be friends.

JANE: Hmmm.

DARIA: You and I haven’t talked much in a while.

No response from Jane.

DARIA: Since last summer. When you went to that art colony and I got roped into working at O’Neill’s dopey camp.

JANE: (to cup) I did notice a change in the air.

DARIA: Wh-what do you mean?

JANE: (after a pause) You seemed more distant. Didn’t come over as often. Didn’t call on the phone.

DARIA: Oh. (pause) I have to blame Tom for that. Well, actually, I would blame me. (swallows) I think it was like that time you and what’s-his-name, the runner, the two of you started dating and you didn’t have time for me. Um, I’m not blaming you, I’m just saying that—

JANE: (drops the empty cup from the balcony, takes a deep breath) I get it.

DARIA: I’m sorry about that.

JANE: (half turns her head) What?

DARIA: About losing touch with you. I wish I hadn’t. I’m sorry.

JANE: I think we lost touch before then.

DARIA: Before when?

JANE: (turns around, leans back against the railing while resting her elbows on the railing to either side, regards Daria with a thoughtful look) Before the end of last summer. We lost touch long before then. Looking back, it occurs to me that we lost touch about the time that Tom and I broke up.

Daria appears speechless. She hides her hands behind her back and opens her mouth as if to say something, but does not.

JANE: (same calm voice) I have this crazy idea that you and I lost touch the morning before Tom broke up with me. Something was going on, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was up. You didn’t come by my house to walk to school, and you came up with some excuse to not do it again. Something about having to do housework before you left, didn’t leave you any time.

DARIA: (blushing, deeply ashamed) Well, I did have to—

JANE: Quinn said you didn’t have any chores. You just left on your own, earlier than usual, and went to school.

A long pause develops. Daria’s eyes get red and teary. She makes another decision and draws herself up as if facing a firing squad.

DARIA: Jane, there’s something I have to tell you.

Jane tilts her head and waits calmly.

DARIA: T-Tom and I... before he broke up with you—

JANE: (tired tone) I know.

DARIA: —he and I... (stops, thrown off track) What?

JANE: (gaze drifts downward) You and he got together before he and I broke up. I know. I figured it out. It was kind of obvious.

Daria is speechless for long seconds. Students and adults near them are either trying to ignore them or are quietly listening without being obvious about it.

JANE: (looks up at Daria) Was that it? That all you wanted to say?

DARIA: (very red-faced) I’m sorry. (beat) I’m really sorry, Jane, I should have told you when it happened, but—

JANE: (voice rises, face hardens) You should have told me?

DARIA: I should have, I really—

JANE: (louder) You shouldn’t even have gone out with him, you stupid piece of shit, but you’re upset because you didn’t tell me that you and he were going out behind my back? You lied to me and said nothing happened, you stabbed me right between the shoulder blades and now you’re apologizing for not stabbing me in the chest instead? Is that it? Daria Morgendorffer, whose personal standards are so high she doesn’t even reach them, yet she pretends she does so she can be as two-faced and morally bankrupt as everyone else in the world, you’re saying you’re sorry you lied but you’re not sorry you had something to lie about?

Daria swallows and says nothing. Jane stares at her, stone-faced, then looks away at nothing in particular.

JANE: You are amazing, you really are. (looks back at Daria) I believed you. I believed in you, and it turns out it was all just a bunch of bullshit. This is amazing. No wonder you got into Bromwell. You figured out how to lie and bullshit with the best of them No wonder you got in. Congratulations. Your outfit looks nice, too.

Mortified, Daria stares at the deck floor. Silence between them for several seconds.

JANE: If you don’t have anything else to confess to, then I think we’re done. Give my best to Tom, too. It’s good to have a friend around, isn’t it?

Daria turns and starts to walk back inside the house.

JANE: (pushes away from the railing and lunges for Daria, right fist raised) Oh, and one more thing—

Jane punches Daria hard in the upper back, knocking Daria to the floor. Jane then straddles her and begins beating the living daylights out of her former friend, punching her in the face and head. Daria’s glasses break; she tries to block the blows raining down on her but cannot. After a shocked pause, several teens and adults rush in to grab Jane and stop her, but she continues to pound Daria despite their best efforts. Eventually the crowd wins and Jane is dragged away, kicking and punching everyone around her. A stunned Daria is helped to her feet. Her nose is bleeding, her hair is ruined, her white blouse is torn. After a moment to catch her breath, she bursts into tears and runs off through the house to the front door, then runs out into the street and away. The camera follows her as she disappears into the darkness.

JANE [VOICE OVER]: And now for the funny part.

SCENE: Bromwell University on graduation day. Daria, now twenty-something and wearing stylish glasses again, receives her diploma from the dean.

JANE [VOICE OVER]: Daria went on to become a success. She graduated Bromwell summa cum laude...

SCENE: Twenty-something Daria, in a wedding gown, and Tom Sloane, in a tuxedo, run down the steps of a church as a crowd of people (including Daria’s parents and sister Quinn) throw rice on them.

JANE [VOICE OVER]:... got married to a rich friend...

SCENE: Twenty-something Daria sits at a messy desk, talking on the phone. Behind her is a sign that says COLUMBIA INTERNATIONAL PUBLISHING. A handsome man, apparently a co-worker, walks into the picture to hand a manuscript to Daria, who smiles at him as she takes the document.

JANE [VOICE OVER]:... got a great job...

SCENE: In a hospital delivery room, Daria (on the delivery table, looking worn out) is presented with a newborn baby by Tom Sloane. They smile together as they look at the baby.

JANE [VOICE OVER]:... and had a kid. For a long time I thought I had something to do with this—you know, showing Daria the error of her ways. It turned out that I didn’t.

SCENE: Tom Sloane walks into an office holding a bouquet of flowers. He stops short, a shocked look on his face. The scene shifts to show what he was looking at: his wife Daria, missing her blouse and with her skirt up around her waist, sitting on the edge of a desk with her legs wrapped around the hips of the handsome co-worker seen earlier. The handsome co-worker’s pants and boxers are around his knees. Both turn to look at Tom in horror.

JANE [VOICE OVER]: Some people said it ran in the family. I wouldn’t know.

SCENE: In a legal conference room, a very depressed Daria listens as attorneys argue around her. Across the table from her is a very angry Tom.

JANE [VOICE OVER]: It’s a slippery slope, your first big lie. Kind of like your first big hit of crystal meth. It’s hard to quit after that, usually leads to worse things. As for me...

SCENE: A dishevelled man holding a handgun runs down a rainy street at night, looking behind him in fear. He is desperate to escape from something or someone.

JANE [VOICE OVER]: I never got over being lied to, being cheated on, believing in someone who wasn’t worth it. It pissed me off for the rest of my life.

SCENE: A door opens in a half-lit room, and the rain-soaked dishevelled man rushes in and slams the door shut. He waits, listening at the door, then relaxes. He stuffs the handgun in the back of his pants.

JANE [VOICE OVER]: Luckily, I found a way to deal with it.

The man reaches for a light switch and flips on the lights. He turns to face the room—and reacts in terror, raising his hands and backing up to the door, eyes huge, mouth open.

The scene shifts to show what he sees: a twenty-something, gum-chewing Jane Lane aiming an M-4 carbine assault rifle at him. She wears all-black leather clothing and a black duckbill cap that reads: THAT’S MS. BITCH TO YOU!

JANE [VOICE OVER]: I became a bounty hunter.

Bounty-hunter Jane smiles broadly, still chewing gum and aiming her carbine at the dishevelled man.

JANE [VOICE OVER]: Sometimes you have to lie. But sometimes someone has to punish you for it. That’s my job. And I love it.

Original: 05/10/09; modified 05/03/10, 05/05/10

FINIS