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And in case you didn't get it, Daria's hair is green because 4chan's mascot, the "404 girl" known as Yotsuba, also has green hair.
[Jake drives his daughters to school. Quinn rides shotgun, Daria is in the back seat. The radio plays music.]
JAKE: Girls, YOUR MOM & I is oldfags, but we know it not easy 2b n00bz—especially u, Daria. Legit?
DARIA: Do wat?
JAKE: I sed you don’t <3 ppl liek... [Quinn turns up the radio volume] …uh, sum ppl do.
DARIA: Like attention whore beside u?
JAKE: Wut? No srsly. [turns radio off] Now, sum mods say n00bs can’t triforce, but you CAN triforce if you...
[Daria leans forward, turns the car radio on, and cranks up the volume.]
DARIA: WAT DO?!
JAKE: ZOMG!! [turns off radio] My thread 404’d. Oh yeah...
[The car arrives at school.]
JAKE: Now don’t be depress if you can’t triforce!
[Quinn leaves the car and is immediately noticed by the other students.]
STACY: ohai, u so hawt!!!111!1! wat naem?
QUINN: Quinn Morgendorffer.
Sandi: I approve of this meme.
1st Boy: SHOW TITS!
2nd Boy: DO EET!
3rd Boy: TEEN TIEM! TEEN TIEM!
DARIA: Rule 34 again. Well, one does not simply walk into Mordor. [She leaves the car and walks toward the school.]
JAKE: LOL! Uh... WTF?
DARIA: Pwn’d.
[In a school hallway, Ms. Li, the principal, is giving the new students a tour of Lawndalechan.]
MS. LI: GET THE FCK IN HERE! NEWFAGS, REPORT!
DARIA: Cynic Leader, standing by.
QUINN: Popular Leader, standing by.
1st Girl: Femanon Leader, standing by, but not so close to Cynic Leader.
2nd Girl: Ankh Leader, standing by.
1st Boy: Gayfag Leader, standing by.
2nd Boy: Shaggy Leader, standing by. Zoinks!
MS. LI: Newfags, Lawndalechan is an epic school full of win! We roll over 9000 triples! That is why you will triforce so we can 404 the rickrolls.
DARIA: [glances at Quinn] Derp!
QUINN: Nobody told me I had to triforce!
DARIA: Don’t worry. The mods are asleep. It’s pure win.
QUINN: w00t!
[Later, in Mrs. Manson’s office, Daria, Quinn, and Mrs. Manson are seated at a table.]
MRS. MANSON: Quinn, u start. Walk in room, see this. [holds up picture of man and woman] Wat do?
QUINN: LOL!
MRS. MANSON: U crazy! Moar plz.
QUINN: Amidoinitrite?
MRS. MANSON: Word.
QUINN: Okay. Well, at first I’m like, sup, and then he’s like, hey sup, and then I’m like, i herd u liek me, and then he’s like, do want, and then I’m like, rate me! and then he’s like, r u a trap? and then I’m like U R B&, GTFO!
MRS. MANSON: BRILLIANT! Darla, do it for great justice.
DARIA: WTF? * D a r i a *
MRS. MANSON: O sry. Dara, walk in room. [holds up same picture] Wat do?
DARIA: I can’t fap to this.
MRS. MANSON: You rage, you lose.
DARIA: You be trollin.
MRS. MANSON: You be hatin. Triforce or FAIL.
DARIA: This is mod faggotry. 404 tiem, bitch.
MRS. MANSON: [glares] Dara, I am disappoint.
[History class begins later in Mr. DeMartino’s room.]
MR. DEMARTINO: NEWFAGS, REPORT!
DARIA: Cynic Leader, standing by.
MR. DEMARTINO: [chuckles evilly] Westward expansion thread is relevant to my interests.
DARIA: Wat do?
MR. DEMARTINO: Manifest Destiny. Sauce, plz?
DARIA: IIRC, Manifest Destiny was troll thread full of lame that let U.S. pwn Mexico west to Pacific Ocean. Mexico was like, WTF is this shit? And the U.S. was like, all your base are belong to us! And Mexico was like, GTFO! And the U.S. was like, STFU! Cosmic epic win! We did it for the lulz!
MR. DEMARTINO: Epic. SUSPICIOUSLY epic. Kevin! Naem war, plz.
KEVIN: SPARTA!
MR. DEMARTINO: /b/tard! Your argument is invalid.
KEVIN: Uh... Boxxy?
MR. DEMARTINO: Kevin, you must an hero. /B/rittany?
/B/RITTANY: Mmm... show tits?
MR. DEMARTINO: NO WANT!!! STOP POSTING IN HENTAI THREAD!!!
/B/RITTANY: Uh... teen tiem?
MR. DEMARTINO: NO!!! POST ANSWER PPL, OR GET OVER 9000 HOMEWORK 4EVA!!!!11111!111!1!
[Daria raises her hand]
MR. DEMARTINO: STFU!
[Daria sighs and lowers her hand]
[That evening at Daria’s house, the family is eating dinner.]
QUINN: ...and at first I was like, u want me 2 go on secret raid board? and then they were like, do want! and then I was like, I am n00b, RESPECT! and then they were like, you want 2 be VP of Camwhore Club? and then I was like, om nom nom nom nom!
JAKE: BRILLIANT!
HELEN: You can go on secret raid board l8r, for great justice.
JAKE: Daria, wat do?
DARIA: I made baby Jesus cry.
JAKE: EPIC WIN!
HELEN: JAKE! UR B&!
JAKE: Derp! U mad?
HELEN: Daria, do not troll. You are a n00b and must not post in fail thread like in Highlandchan. This is now a win thread. No copypasta of obvious troll or rickroll. You must triforce!
DARIA: Lawndalechan fail meter is over 9000.
HELEN: 1. Maek friendz. 2. No trollin or rickrolls. 3. ????? 4. PROFIT!!!
DARIA: Profit?
HELEN: Exactry. U rage, u ruse!
DARIA: Can I be a mod?
HELEN AND JAKE (TOGETHER): Fail meter is over 9000.
[phone rings]
QUINN: Gawd, I hope that’s not “show tits” spam again.
HELEN: [answers phone] O hai. Wat? Srsly? WTF? Desu! [hangs up] Did you girls triforce today?
QUINN: WTF? I was win! Mods sed they liekd me!
HELEN: Not you. Daria, mods say you can’t triforce.
QUINN: Daria can’t triforce? ROFLMFAO!!!
JAKE: WAT?! This is epic faggotry! Kill it with fire!
HELEN: Jake, STFU. Daria, I am disappoint. We’ve gone over this a million times and you still can’t triforce. [pounds table with fist] WTF IS THIS SHIT?
QUINN: Is Daria now cancer? If so, my awesomeness will shit brix.
DARIA: Don’t worry. I can triforce. It’s a mistake.
JAKE: YES! Shit is SO cash!
DARIA: But everyone else in Lawndalechan is derptard fail.
[In the after-school triforce class, Mr. Pedo’Neill stands at his desk. A half-dozen students are scattered throughout the room, sitting at their desks.]
MR. PEDO’NEILL: A teen… between. Do the maths. No moar loli, not yet a MILF, sometimes goatse trap that calls for eyebleach. As Ceiling Cat sez: the metadata, it does nothing. IMHO, teens is serious business. If teens is demotivated cuz shit got real and h4x0rs sploded ur bandwidth, noone cares about ur butthurts, you accidentally the whole thing, and then m00t sez, “YUR DOIN IT WRONG FAGGOT!!!” then demotivate no moar! Teh party van of win and awesome are here! We will secret raid depress and maek you WINNAR OF TEH INTERNETZ! It’s super effective! Now, b4 we—
DARIA: Mod, wut?
MR. PEDO’NEILL: Sorry, dumping /gif/ folder now. Rage later.
DARIA: WTF is “h4x0rs sploded ur bandwidth”? Did mod divide by zero and get duckroll? What—
MR. PEDO’NEILL: Yo, freshteen, imma really happy for you, imma let you finish, but first see animooted /gif/. [to entire class] Alrite, wat thread is we in?
DARIA: [facepalm] fffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuu—
JANE: [whispers to Daria] Clueless lame mod is clueless and lame. Just lol an don’t feed troll.
DARIA: How we know wat going on when mod is spamming old Boxxy pr0n that’s old?
JANE: I’ve 404’d this thread over 9,000 times.
DARIA: Nowai.
JANE: Wai. Tell you moar offline.
[Daria and Jane are walking home after school.]
JANE: …So, IIRC, after surprise buttsecks, they put femteens and bois in separate threads, then we get spammed about centipedes in our vaginas.
DARIA: Wat mods and guise do?
JANE: In a thread full of anonymous /b/tards and an epic fail mod? Wat do?
[Both girls stop walking and look at each other.]
DARIA AND JANE (TOGETHER): Fap to Grand Theft Auto.
[They resume walking.]
DARIA: Cool story, /b/ro, but srsly, why not hit ESC on mod faggotry?
JANE: I do it for the lulz.
DARIA: The fck??????
JANE: Okay, okay, I draw s&m lez mudkipz hentai and fap to it in the back row.
DARIA: Alrite then. [beat] That makes me moist.
[Daria walks in the front door of her house but is surprised to see her mother standing in the living room.]
HELEN: SURPRISE BUTTSECKS! /jk/!
DARIA: Mom? You know wat tiem it is? Don’t say CP tiem, plz.
HELEN: I bumped the parenting thread for great justice! You must learn to triforce and WIN!
DARIA: Mom, newfaggotry might pwn triforce like a sharpie in the pooper.
HELEN: Nowai! We’re goin on SRS BIZNISS!!!
DARIA: Oh noes.
[At Cashman’s department store, Helen emerges from a dressing room, wearing a blue version of her red suit-skirt.]
HELEN: Yo, Cynic Leader! Rate me!
DARIA: I download you proudly and post, “INB4 THREAD IS 404’D!!! F5F5F5F5F5!!!!! DAT ASS!!!!”
HELEN: Rly? ZOMG!!!! PROFIT!!!!
[The next day at Lawndalechan, Daria and Jane are walking down the hall when they pass Quinn and a boy talking by the lockers.]
BOY: So, like, show tits nao?
QUINN: NSFW, /b/tard. I’m not your personal tits army.
BOY: After school then?
QUINN: Hmmm, tonite I might watch Buffy vids on YouTube, surf Chatroulette to rate traps, maybe camwhore my feet. Not sure if I show tits xcpt 4 paypal account full of cosmic, and I mean fckin COSMIC, win and awesome.
BOY: hurrr durrr…
JANE: OMG. That failfag just got pwned by the new camwhore queen of Lawndalechan!
DARIA: Camwhore queen is my Rule 34 sibling. What is seen cannot be unseen.
JANE: Eww. Brain bleach, plz.
BOY: So, you got any hawt sisters, half-sisters, stepsisters, cousins, lesbo gfs, or MILF aunts?
QUINN: None you could fap to. Not even if blind.
DARIA: >:(
[Sometime later, in the self-esteem class, Mr. Pedo’Neill is talking as usual while a bored Daria and Jane pass a drawing back and forth, each scribbling on it with pencils.]
MR. PEDO’NEILL: So when we touch ourselfs, wat is it we touch? [points to a boy] Yo.
BOY: We... touch US!
MR. PEDO’NEILL: Almost win, close enuff. We touch US on teh Webcam of Self Luv. Nao, serious business. Today we talk about teh butthurt of doin it wrong. Tonight, I want u all to read this in my voice & do eet rite. Wat say? [points to Daria] Wat is it you want do rite?
DARIA: I want whole family 2 wincest.
MR. PEDO’NEILL: [startled and pleased] TEH AWESOMENESS!!!111!1!!!!
DARIA: 1. Kill family. 2. Necro zombie wincest with epic gore. 3. Kill myself for the lulz. 4. ????? 5. PROFIT!!!!!
MR. PEDO’NEILL: [aghast] That... are epic. Sort of. Not. [writes on a tablet on his desk, whispers to self] Disconnect... four-eyes... laptop... webcam. [looks at class, speaks in shaky voice] We fap—uh, rage moar tomorrow. Thread 404’d.
[The students file out the door. Daria leaves the drawing behind.]
JANE: That WAS epic.
DARIA: Fck yeah. Thx.
[Mr. Pedo’Neill picks up the discarded drawing on Daria’s desk, looks at it, and gasps aloud. It’s a drawing of MSNBC show host Chris Hansen (from To Catch a Predator), saying: “Why don’t you have a seat over there?”]
[That evening, at Daria’s house, the family is eating dinner.]
JAKE: How was triforce thread today, kawaii?
DARIA: Mr. Pedo’Neill sez I am demotivated cuz ‘rents call me by fail usernames like “kawaii.”
JAKE: [horrified] OMG!!!!
DARIA: I sed it 4 the lulz, yo.
JAKE: [relieved] OMG!!!!!
HELEN: Wat did Pedo’Neill RLY say?
DARIA: He sed my argument was invalid and I shud stop the butthurt. So I guess no moar fisting from Quinn.
QUINN: EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!111!1!!1!!!!
HELEN: [facepalm] This is why we can’t have nice things. Stop trollin or get yr ass pwn’d.
DARIA: I thought for great justice we must learn win & awesome as a family. Why not go see movie with most win & awesome EVAR?
HELEN, JAKE, AND QUINN (TOGETHER): OMFG!!111!1!! NO WANT!!1!1!!!1!!!1!
DARIA: It wud stop the butthurt.
[Later that night, in an otherwise deserted movie theater, the Morgendorffers are seated in front near the screen. Helen and Jake appear quite nauseated. Quinn has emptied out a popcorn sack and is wearing it as a head covering, hands clasped over ears to shut out the sound. Daria, who has her own bag of popcorn as well as those from her parents, is enjoying every minute of their torture as the screen shows a marionette on its hands and knees, vomiting endlessly in a dark alley.]
DARIA: [singing] “America... fck yeah!” [smiles broadly] COSMIC epic win.
[The next day, Daria and Jane are in Jane’s bedroom, sitting at the foot of the bed as they watch a large computer monitor with unblinking attention. Their wide eyes reflect either astonishment, awe, shock, or ecstasy—it is hard to tell which, could be all four. The monitor sits on a small table by the bed, its back to the viewer. The computer volume is lowered, but faint shrill cries can be heard, rising to a fever pitch. As the cries climax, both girls lean forward, eyes glued to the screen. Their mouths fall open. Seconds pass. Jane then reaches for a mouse and clicks it. Drained, the girls fall back on the bed and stare at the ceiling. After a moment, Jane pantomimes lighting a cigarette, smoking it, then passing the “cigarette” to Daria, who also “smokes” it.]
DARIA: [blows out pantomime smoke] That was fap-tastic.
JANE: Epic Boner Squirrel is epic. The Rescue Rangers will never poop normally again.
DARIA: Epic Boner Squirrel is infinity to the power of Chuck Norris and doesnt afraid of anything.
JANE: Epic Boner Squirrel is like Brit royal family in fursuits bein orgied by blind and deaf guy.
DARIA: [beat, looks at Jane] Wut?
JANE: [looks at Daria] Wut?
DARIA: Fursuits?
JANE: I dunno. My brain burned up on page 15 when Epic Boner yiffed Chip ‘n Dale at same time.
[Both look at the ceiling again, the pantomime cigarette forgotten.]
DARIA: Where’d you get all these furry yaoi crossover vids?
JANE: Uploaded from anime website. Got em 4 tits.
DARIA: Rly?
JANE: Not my tits. Shooped superdeformed n00dz of my mother & e-mailed newfag webmaster. Now he uploadz anything I want 4 moar shooped pix. Also wants to marry me, but rite now we’re just frenz.
DARIA: Fukken sweet. [beat] Where’d u get n00dz of YOUR MOM?
JANE: Her Facebook page. [beat] Hey, furry hentai convention’s comin to Lawndalechan ths Friday. Saw ad 4 it on My Little Ponies board.
DARIA: We can has moar furry yaoi Disney crossovers w/ Epic Boner Squirrel?
JANE: We can has futanari Pokémon crossovers, too. With tentacles.
[Jane and Daria immediately sit up on the bed. Jane picks up a wireless keyboard from the floor and taps in a URL, then does a word search. The scene shifts so that the viewer looks over Daria and Jane’s shoulders at the monitor, which shows a YouTube-like webpage. The site is called SickSadAnime.com. Jane plays the video, which shows a bland-faced young woman who looks and dresses exactly like Yuri from Dirty Pair, looking at the viewer with a microphone in her hand. Behind her, in full swing, is the cheesiest and most tasteless furry hentai fan convention imaginable.
SSA REPORTER: [slow Valley Girl drawl]: Furry conventions, once sneered at as the province of the so-called criminally insane, have become big, big business. These conventions draw hundreds of thousands of emotionally disturbed bestiality fans and pedophiles each year, people as sane and rational as you and I would be if we too dressed like hamsters and masturbated to children’s cartoons.
[A geeky red-haired teenager wearing dreadful Thundercats makeup and costuming steps into view. He has a large round badge pinned to his costume over his heart.]
ARTIE: ohai, i’m artie—i mean LION-O. show tits plz?
SSA REPORTER: Artie, glad to meet you. Why are you here at ShotaCon Caturday IX?
[The scene switches of a close-up of Artie. His badge reads: I AM A BIG FURFAG—YIFF MY FACE.]
ARTIE: im here cuz furries r0oOl & moralfags are cancer. i so ronery i demand rule 34 on yr sweet doubles.
[The scene shifts back to include the reporter, too.]
SSA REPORTER: Artie, do you think it’s possible that you have some kind of brain tumor?
ARTIE: duz my man-tentacle maek you moist?
SSA REPORTER: Have some free chemo. [smacks Artie in the head with her microphone, knocking him out of the picture (“Ow! Halp!”), then calmly turns back to the viewers] As the Marquis de Sade would say if he were here with us, “There’s a point where this needs to stop and we’ve clearly passed it.” For great justice, this is Tiffany Blum-Deckler of Sick, Sad Anime.
DARIA: I herd you knwo how to pwn Pedo’Neill, amirite?
JANE: Is relevant 2 ur interests?
DARIA: B4 we both an hero in triforce class, let’s sage the fail thread and PROFIT!!!
JANE: Wat do then?
DARIA: Fap to Epic Boner Squirrel at furry hentai cons after school.
JANE: THIS IS SPARTA!!!! Shit just got REAL.
DARIA: I think I herd baby Jesus cry.
[The next day, Daria and Jane are in Mr. Pedo’Neill’s after-school class as it winds down. Mr. Pedo’Neill keeps a good distance between himself and Daria, talking from behind his desk.]
MR. PEDO’NEILL: Tomorrow, loserfags, we start a new thread of ways Lawndalechan would post in a bawww thread if you were permab&.
BOY: Oh, Mr. Pedo’Neill? Mr. Pedo’Neill?
MR. PEDO’NEILL: Yes, um... Anonymous?
BOY: Is that permab& if we were an hero, fail, pwned, 404’d, or GTFO’d?
MR. PEDO’NEILL: Uh... um… [class bell rings] DESU! Happy triforcing! [He notices that Daria and Jane have stayed behind and immediately becomes nervous.] Ohai. Did you need gore—I mean, 411 on something we cover today?
DARIA: No moar lurking or doin it wrong 4 us. We is smokin hawt on triforce. Desu!
JANE: We want 2 bump triforce test ITT and win, pl0x, for great justice.
MR. PEDO’NEILL: Nowai. Srsly? I, uh, think I approve of this meme, but we have not reached page 15 yet.
DARIA: Wai. Ur the best mod in Lawndalechan evar. Ur infinity + 1 + 1 + m00t + GTA.
JANE: OMG, I is demotivated no moar.
MR. PEDO’NEILL: Oh, well... alrite! I think. [nervously] This not setup for “2 Catch predator” or FBI party van?
DARIA: Nowai. This is SRS BIZNISS. Can we bump triforce test ITT?
MR. PEDO’NEILL: This not hao we roll, but... POOL IS OPEN! [grabs test from his desk as the girls walk up and stand on the desk’s other side] Okay, question one: “If no want doin it wrong, I will read FAQ and…”
DARIA: 
MR. PEDO’NEILL: O lawd, feels good! Nxt: “When proxyfags is hackin my Internets and DDoS’ing my favrit Captain Planet sites, I…”
JANE:
MR. PEDO’NEILL: 5\/\/337! Urdoinitrite! Okay: “When mods say newfags cant triforce, instead of rage I will...”
JANE:
DARIA:
MR. PEDO’NEILL: ZOMG!!!1! F5F5F5F5F5!!11!!! TOO MUCH WANT!!1!!11! You leave me no choice! You must spam all mods and Lawndalechan, 2 show epic win!!! BRB, must fap or die!!!
[Mr. Pedo’Neill rushes out of the room in excitement. The girls’ faces fall as they realize their plan to escape the after-school class has backfired.]
JANE: WTF? This is cancer!
DARIA: Someone set us up the bomb. I cud shit brix.
JANE: FTS! Wat do nao?
DARIA: [frowns] One does not simply walk n2 secret raid board for the lulz. Sage this bullshit. No moar posting in bawww threads. No moar I’m okay w/ this. No moar proxies or rickroll or trollin or fail. Nao is the tiem 4 hatin.
JANE: Proceed.
DARIA: We must 404 Lawndalechan.
JANE: Win meter is over 9000. I anticipate a deeply religious experience.
DARIA: We cud 404 with conventional trojans, but that wud take hours & cost millions of bandwidth. [lifts chin] We must Chuck Norris.
JANE: You are The One True Boxxy, and I am ur personal army.
DARIA: DEFCON ONE, /b/ro. Its fire sale tiem.
[In the school auditorium the following day, Principal Li stands at the podium. Mrs. Manson and Mr. Pedo’Neill are seated behind her, with Daria and Jane seated at the far end of the row.]
MS. LI: Google me, Lawndalechan! WE ARE CAPSLOCK GINORMOUS WIN THREAD ON SHROOMS, LEGIT! Last week Lawndalechan megadownloaded over 9000 tikit salez for Miss Lawndalechan Bakunyū Contest and gave Oakwoodchan teh bitchslapz! It was SUPER EFFECTIVE! WHOZ UR DADDY NAO, OAKWOODCHAN PUSSYFAGS?!?!? FCK YEAH!!! Also we give warm congrats to contest winnar /B/rittany Taylor, whose cosmic sweater cows pwnd all other teen funbags even tho we all herd she have teh implantz.
TEARFUL MALE VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: Leave /B/rittany alone!
MS. LI: STICK IT IN UR POOPER, KEVIN!!!!! Now, in other sk00l n00z, Mr. Pedo’Neill has xciting dox about triforce class or something, watevas
[Ms. Li sits down as Mr. Pedo’Neill stands and approaches the podium, to meager applause from the students.]
DARIA: Wake me when we have to lol.
JANE: This dream maeks my taffeta splody.
MR. PEDO’NEILL: [to audience] One does not simply walk into Doinitrite, but dont worry guise—the internets is here! Two newfags has lernd to 404 demotivation and triforce with teh awesome x9000! Both is here to spam for great justice!
VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: Get to page 15, baku!
[Mocking laughter from students fills the auditorium.]
MR. PEDO’NEILL: Uh… um… desu! Anyway, nao 2 meat teh awesomeness that yesterday teh whole thing: Daria Morgendorffer & Jane Lane!
[Weak applause greets the announcement.]
JANE: [to Daria] Tiem 4 THE GAME.
[Jane stands and walks over to the podium.]
JANE: Yesterday I was level 80 demotivated teen dumpster and was fail below negative zero. Then savior mods sed, come with me if you liek mudkipz! I was inb4 9000th detention. Now I acquire currency and play xbox 4 PROFIT!!! No moar eru guro, combobreakerz, doggiestyle, or Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome 4 me 4 evar! [increasingly wild and erratic behavior] All my base are belong to Lawndalechan! Rule 34 on Metalocalypse or YOUR MOM! I’M NSFW!!! GO SHROOMS!1!!!! I DID IT 4 TEH LULZ!!11!!!!!
[Jane turns and flings a small, flat, square package at Mr. Pedo-Neill, then jumps off the auditorium stage and runs up one of the aisles toward the back doors like a bolt of lightning, shouting “WOO HOO!!!” all the way. Mr. Pedo’Neill gets up to run after her, then looks around, shrugs, and calmly sits down again. The students (including Daria) and faculty give Jane’s speech a last round of ho-hum applause, with a few scattered cries of “Show tits!”]
MR. PEDO’NEILL: Nxt plz! [Frowning, he begins to unwrap the small package Jane threw to him.]
MS. LI: [bored whisper out of the side of her mouth] Unwrap nail bomb at home if you want 2 an hero, faggot.
MR. PEDO’NEILL: [whispers back] I don’t think she set me up the bomb, Angela. [continues unwrapping package]
[Ms. Li shakes her head, then moves her chair about 10 feet farther away from Mr. Pedo’Neill.]
[Daria steps up to the podium, then quietly flips a hidden switch that causes a huge movie screen to slowly descend at the back of the stage behind her. Puzzled, the students and faculty watch as the screen comes down.]
DARIA: Noone can pwn the butthurt of newfaggotry on their own. You knwo the drill. You must read the FAQ and have good mods to hit ESC on the derp...
[In the audience, seated between two teenage boys, Quinn looks increasingly uneasy as the movie screen comes down and Daria continues to speak.]
COREY’S FRIEND: O look, it’s THIS thread again! Lame emofags are lame!
COREY: Hey, beats surprise buttsecks, doesnt it? [cackles and high-fives his buddy] Did u hear, Quinn? I said, beats surprise buttsecks!
QUINN: [watching Daria, not paying attention] Nothing beats surprise buttsecks.
COREY: Uh, wut?
QUINN: LMAO, Corey, LMAO.
[Mr. Pedo’Neill finally opens the package from Jane and holds up a small framed picture. He frowns and stares at it closely. The picture shows a cat sitting contentedly on a laptop that has been partially disassembled. Written across the bottom of the image is the legend: IM N YUR COMPUTAS STEALIN YUR HARD DRIVEZ]
[At the podium, Daria concludes her speech.]
DARIA: ...then realize those t00bz on a truck aren’t my glasses. To triforce righteous takes the awesome mods, frenz, and family that want be ur personal army of win.
MR. PEDO’NEILL: [turns white as he understands the picture’s meaning] Oh. My. GAWD.
COREY: [shouts at Daria] Show tits or GTFO! [cackles and high-fives his buddy again]
DARIA: ...And so, the most best helper ITT I must thanx moar than any other is my very own BROTHER, Quinn Morgendorffer.
[The audience noise drops to dead silence. Everyone in the room stares at Daria. Quinn’s jaw figuratively hits the floor.]
COREY: Wait, wut?
DARIA: My futanari BROTHER, Quinn, has pwnd bilyuns moar threads of win and awesome than I will evar triforce, cuz he has a most best helper, too. Are you out there, /b/ro? Drop trou & let us say hi to yur little friend... [presses an audio/visual button on back side of podium] ...MISTER ASS DESTROYER.
[The screen at the back of the stage lights up with a single projected image, showing Quinn wearing pink pajamas one morning in the Morgendorffers’ kitchen. Unaware of the photographer, Quinn is looking into the open refrigerator for something to eat while scratching through the nightshirt—and while displaying an enormous pajama-pants bulge from an obvious erection, an effect usually called “pitching a tent.”]
[Every student in the auditorium turns to gape in horror at Quinn.]
ALL STUDENTS PRESENT: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU—
QUINN: [facepalms and says, in a deeper than usual voice:] Outted again.
COREY: OH LAWD IT’S A TRAP!!1!11!!11!1!!!!!!!
COREY’S FRIEND: OMFG I AM HOMOSEX!!!!11!1!1!1
ANOTHER BOY: CEILING CAT, SAVE US!!!11!!!1!
YET ANOTHER BOY: I am 12 and wat is this?
[Pandemonium breaks out in the auditorium as male and female students scream, run around in circles waving their arms, faint, or take pictures of Quinn or the screen image using phone-cams. Ms. Li has not moved from her chair on stage, except to take off her glasses and rub her eyes as if getting a migraine.]
RIOTING STUDENTS: NO WANT!!!! NO WANT!!!! WE CAN’T FAP TO THIS!!!! THE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING!!!! CONTROL-ALT-DELETE!!!! CONTROL-AL-DELETE!!!
MR. PEDO’NEILL: [throws picture on floor and bursts into tears] Why me? Why this? WHY COULDN’T IT BE MUTHAFUKKEN SNAKES ON A MUTHAFUKKEN PLANE?!?!?!?!?
RIOTING STUDENTS AND FACULTY: [completely out of control] HALP!!! SNAKES!!! THERE’S MUTHAFUKKEN SNAKES ON THIS MUTHAFUKKEN PLANE!!1!1!!
[Rising over the chaos comes the sound of a powerful vehicle engine. Suddenly the double doors at the back of the auditorium burst open and a huge black and red vehicle drives in, stopping short of the rioting students but accidentally running over Mrs. Manson. A man stands up inside a turret on the vehicle.]
DARIA: [with a wicked smile] Good night, sweet prince.
[At the Morgendorffers’ home that evening, the family is gathered at the kitchen table for supper. Quinn is having a royal fit.]
QUINN: ...Then byotch outs me as a megatrap rite b4 Pedo’Neill is 404’d, sk00l burnz down, & SWAT teemz pwnz teh survivorz. I am so NOT okay w/ this thread!
HELEN: But Quinn, honey... u ARE a trap. I mean dckgrrrl. I mean boi.
JAKE: Damrite! Best one in whol family!
QUINN: Ooooh! [slams fists on table] I is permab& from life! I has teh clog of demotivation on my head 4EVA!!! Noone will yell DAT ASS at me nomoar!!! [cordless phone rings] its 4me thx [answers the phone] Ohai. Rly? Mmm, cud do on Friday after big gaem. Whole football teem? An cheerleederz? Show tits 2? Lemme find PDA & chek skedule. BRB. [walks out of the kitchen with phone]
JAKE: Y Quinn b ragin?
DARIA: Quinn be trollin, not ragin, yo. Seemz most guise at Lawndalechan have Teh Gay in sekrit. Quinn is nao most shit-is-cash dckgrrrl in all sk00l histry. Quinn is >>>> gta x1000, is Lawndalechan fap queen 4eva.
JAKE: Legit? Great justice, kawaii!
HELEN: And u DID triforce, Daria, an u diddit for Quinn—no trollin or bawww thread or divide by zero! Is pure win! I so proud!
DARIA: Tiem 4 party van of party, then? Can we—
HELEN: Daria, imma rly happy 4u, imma let u finish, but teh legal h4x0rz is DDoS’ing my bandwidth.
JAKE: I’d hit that with a crowbar, kawaii, but my internets is megahacked till moar l8r.
DARIA: Ooooo, t3h butthurtz...
HELEN AND JAKE (TOGETHER): OH NOES!!!!
[At the opening of the furry-hentai convention in Lawndalechan that evening, we see the Morgendorffers in attendance, with Jane Lane, too. Once again Helen and Jake look nauseated and highly uncomfortable. Quinn looks bored and moderately annoyed. Daria basks in her family’s humiliation.]
QUINN: [fuming, arms crossed] This is epic fail Rule 34. This is Macfag orgy on steroids. This is Hypnotoad roadkill sammich w/ old mayo.
DARIA: Lets all get phonecam pix taken w/ Totoro yiffing Mickey Mouse and emails it 2 everyone!
JANE: Then we crawl thru King Kong’s Mighty Anus of Luv!
DARIA: Look! Angry Beavers! ANGRY BEAVERS BANGIN TEH POUND PUPPIES WIFF EPIC BONER SQUIRREL!!!! F5F5F5F5F5F5F5!!!!11!1!!
[The two girls run off. Jake and Helen stare after them, their faces blank.]
HELEN: Quinn, mommy’s thread is saged. Plz look after sister an Jane while mommy goes an hero in parking lot in case this cannot b unseen.
JAKE: Wait 4 me, dear. Quinn, u an hero 2?
QUINN: [still fuming] Will drink bottl of drain cleanr here, thx.
[Looking very ill, Helen and Jake cover their mouths and leave. A familiar-looking young man wearing a terrible ThunderCats costume walks up to Quinn.]
ARTIE: Hai, my username is Artie. U so hawt!
QUINN: [barely glances at him] I’m a trap, GTFO.
ARTIE: HOTDAM!1!!11!!1!1 IM ON SHROOMZ AN I GOTS TEH VISA!!!11!!!1!!111111!!
QUINN: Teh Visa? U not b trollin? [sudden change of attitude] This is now a WIN thread. Get this party STARTED!
[The two leave arm-in-arm.]
