500 Vindaloos to Go
A Daria/Red Dwarf Crossover
By Professor Moriarity
Disclaimer: Daria characters owned by MTV. Red Dwarf characters owned by Grant Naylor productions. I’m not getting paid for this, so why do you care if I bastardize1 your characters?
(Daria theme plays. Ends with, Daria In: 500 Vindaloos to Go)
Scene 1, Jane’s Room “Oh no not again…..”
(Daria and Jane are sitting on the floor of Jane’s room watching TV. If you don’t know what they’re watching, you have no business reading this fanfic)
(picture flashes on the TV screen briefly of 6 or 7 people wearing black T-shirts with “The Group” written on them. They are all carrying weapons2)
Announcer: Has Revenge of the Nerds gone to far? Geeks in Gangs, next on Sick, Sad World.
(Suddenly four bolts of crackling red lightning coalesce into the forms of four people3, the Red Dwarf crew. David Lister, a human, with long black hair in dreds. Kryten, an android with no hair and a blocky face. The Cat, a bipedal life form evolved from a house cat (Red Dwarf is set 3 million years in the future, the red lighting is their time travel device, btw.) and Arnold Rimmer, the dead crewmate of Lister, who has come back as a hologram (we can tell this because of the ‘H’ on his forehead.)) (The Red Dwarf crew and Daria and Jane just stare at each other for a few seconds.)
Daria (looks at Jane): Please, shoot me now.
Jane: Is it just me, or do weird things seem to happen to us once a week, like clockwork?
Lister: Excuse me, but do either of you know where the nearest Indian restaurant is?
Rimmer: Oh no. We’re not staying here for any length of time, not after what we just went through (4).
Kryten: We don’t have a choice. The Time Drive’s frozen up again.
The Cat: Didn’t we tell you to stop jabbing it?
The Cat: Well, we should have.
Daria (to Jane): Do I hear the Twilight Zone theme playing?
Jane: Nope. Definitely the Outer Limits theme.
Daria (to the Red Dwarf crew): If I close my eyes and click my heels together three times, will you go away?
Lister: All I want is some smegging curry! I can deal with being stranded 3 million years in the future with only these smegheads (gestures to the rest of the crew) and no women for company, but not without my curry! You ladies take us to the nearest Indian restaurant so I can order 500 chicken vindaloos to go, and then we’ll leave.
Jane (quietly, to Daria): If they’re stranded, then how’d they get here?
Daria (quietly, back): Through a plot hole the size of Upchuck’s ego.
Jane (still quietly): You think we should help them?
Daria (yes, still quietly): Why not? The last time we got involved with odd characters we got money out of it (5).
Jane (normal tone, addressing the Red Dwarfers): All right then, we have a deal. There’s a new Indian restaurant at the mall. I can get my brother Trent to drive us.
(Daria, Jane, and the RDers enter the basement where Trent is playing his guitar.)
Jane: Hey Trent, this is Lister, Rimmer, Cat, and Kryten. Can you drive us to the mall? (6).
Trent: Sure, Janey.
Lister (looks interestedly at Trent’s guitar): Nice axe. Could I see it for a minute?
Trent: Sure. (hands the guitar to Lister. Trent, being his oblivious self, does not notice the Cat, Rimmer, and Kryten making “nix” motions behind Lister.)
Lister: Something profound (begins to play. The sound is truly horrendous. Everyone except Lister covers their ears.)
Daria (still with ears covered, yelling to Cat): I’m surprised you haven’t shot him yet.
Cat: We only do that when he plays well (7).
(Through the magic of fanfic, the audience gets to skip the car ride scene, which I’m sure was boring anyway and nothing like an alien aubduction or anything cool like that happened. The Darians and RDers are now walking past a bookstore and into the Indian takeout place. Instead of following our heroes, however, the camera zooms into the bookstore, onto two college age women.)
The 1st woman (let’s call her DralaFi, just for fun): It’s perfect….
The 2nd woman (hmm, why don’t we call her Professor?): It’s beautiful….(8)
(the two women are clearly awestruck by what they see. We see from their POV a copy of Obsidian Butterfly, the newest novel by Laurell K. Hamilton. It has a golden glow, and that cheesy heavenly music plays in the background. Both of them grab it at the same time).
Professor: It’s mine!!!
DralaFi: I saw it first!!
(Prof and Drala begin brawling in sci-fi, which is quite remarkable considering each still has one hand gripping the book. Novels fly everywhere.)
Prof (stopping for a moment): Wait, stop! This is madness.
Drala: I agree.
(Prof and Drala pick themselves up, still holding Obsidian Butterfly. They reshelve all the sci-fi, one-handed. Then they walk over the romance section, and resume brawling, because neither of them cares if the romance novels get trashed. Obsidian Butterfly remains miraculously intact throughout. Camera zooms out the store just in time to catch the Darians and the RDers leaving the Indian takeout place, Apu’s Quickie Curries (10).)
Lister: I have to smegging wait?!
Kryten: Now Lister, I’m sure they’ll fix your food as soon as they can, but it takes time to make 500 vindaloos.
Lister: But what the smeg am I going to do until then?!!
Daria: Learn a new swear word?
(Before Lister can respond, a pair of feminine shrieks are heard from the bookstore. Daria and Co. peer in the entrance, then Daria starts walking away and beckons for everyone to follow her.)
Jane (to Daria): Wait. Someone’s trashing the bookstore, and you’re not going to do anything?
Daria: They’re in romance.
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Back from commercial.
Scene 4, the Mall. “Idle hands, the devil, and all that jazz.”
(Daria, Jane, Trent, Lister, Rimmer, Kryten, and the Cat are walking around in the mall, trying to find something to do. Finally, they wander into a music store. Trent picks up a set of headphones—for listening to CDs in the store at one of those recording stations—and slips them on. Lister, however, picks up a guitar and starts playing it—badly—again. Daria, Jane, Rimmer, Kryten, and the Cat immediately run out of the store.)
Daria: Now I know this can’t be a figment of my imagination. I’ve never actually heard someone play guitar that badly before.
Jane: Curse you and your logic. I was all set to convince myself this was a dream.
(Unbeknownst to Daria and Jane, Upchuck has come up behind them and heard Jane’s last statement.)
Upchuck: A dream? Oh, but it is, my dear. Your dream come true. Rowlr!
(Daria and Jane glance at each other, then walk back into the music store. The unspoken message is that anything is better than dealing with Upchuck.)
Upchuck: Fiesty ladies, you’ll soon be mine.
Rimmer: Not bad, for a beginner. But could I give you some advice?
Upchuck (looks at Rimmer, realizes he’s a kindred spirit of sorts): I’m listening… (Rimmer puts his arm around Upchuck in that step-into-my-office manner and they walk off, no doubt plotting some nefarious pick-up scheme)
(The Cat decides this would be a good time to leave; plausible deniability and all that)
The Cat: Maybe I can get some new clothes while I’m here. (He walks into Cashman’s).
Kryten: But what am I going to do? (sees someone drop a gum wrapper a couple of feet in front of him, then he walks over and picks it up). What a disgrace. (Kryten sees more trash and is soon absorbed in picking up litter.)
Scene 5, The Music Store. “My Ears are burning….”
(About a half an hour has passed. Trent is still listening to headphones, and Lister is still playing the guitar, but now he’s singing as well. Daria and Jane are covering their ears with their hands. Finally Trent takes off the headphones and hears Lister’s pitiful attempts at musicality. He cringes, and is about to say something to Lister, when Lister stops playing. Daria and Jane uncover their ears.)
Lister (cheerful): Let’s go see how my vindaloos are cooking, shall we?
(Daria, Jane, and Trent all shoot “Thank God” looks at each other. All four exit the shop.)
Lister: Hey, where’d everybody go? I thought they were right out here.
Jane (low, to Daria): They were trying to save their ears.
Daria (back): Unfortunately, we were trapped between an Upchuck and a hard place.
Trent (didn’t hear their comments, to Lister): It’s not a big mall. We’ll find them. (Just then we see Kryten walk by, armed with a broom and dustpan)
Kryten (muttering to himself): This place is filthy…
Lister: Kryten! Is the Time Drive unfrozen yet? (Kryten puts the broom and dustpan down and checks the Time Drive).
Kryten: It appears to be fully functional (11).
Lister: Then let’s get my vindaloos and leave.
Daria: Um, what about Rimmer and the Cat?
Lister: Don’t worry, we won’t leave them here.
Jane: Thank god.
(Read my ‘fic, “Not Quite Beyond the Goblin City, and confused by it? Then check out The Unofficial Labyrinth Website at http://welcome.to/goblincity for everything you ever wanted to know about the movie Labyrinth)
Back from commericials.
Scene 6, Cashman’s. “A Cat in a candy shop…”
(We see a montage of the Cat enthusiastically trying on various outfits and fawning over himself in the mirror. The montage ends and we see the Cat holding several hangers, waiting in line at the cash register. Behind him are four girls, also holding various outfits and waiting to pay for them. I think you know who they are. If you don’t, then you have no business reading this ‘fic).
Sandi: Gee, Quinn, are you sure you want to buy that dress? I think I saw it on a model in Waif….last year.
Quinn: I heard this style was making a comeback.
Sandi: Well, I haven’t heard anything about it.
Stacy: I think Quinn’s…Eep!! (Stacy is silenced by Sandi’s glare of death).
Sandi: Well, if Quinn’s so up on the latest fashion’s, maybe she should be Fashion Club President instead of me.
(Meanwhile, the Cat has paid for his purchases—where’d he get the money? I guess through that plothole the size of Upchuck’s ego---and can’t help but overhear the conversation. He decides to make his own contribution.)
The Cat: It will.
The Cat (pointing to Quinn): She’s right. It will make a comeback and stay in fashion for about 5 years.
Sandi: Excuse me, but this is a private conversation. It’s not like you could know that, anyway. The fashion trends are highly unpredictable.
The Cat: I’m from the future, that’s how I know.
Quinn: Um, if you’re from the future, then how’d you get here?
Stacy: Well, there are several methods he could have used. He could have traveled through a preexisting temporal anomaly, or…(realizes she should quit the geekspeak before her cover is blown)…um, nevermind.
(The other three Fashion Fiends look at her strangely, but then turn their attention back to the Cat. Before they can say anything, however, Daria and Co. show up).
Lister: Hey, Cat, we’ve gotta go.
Quinn (sees Daria): Oh, it’s you…cousin…I should have known this crazy guy was one of your loser friends.
Sandi: Yeah, like, Quinn’s cousin, or whatever, keep your loser friend from saying crazy things like he’s from the future.
Daria: He’s not crazy. He is from the future.
(The Fashion Club tries to process this.)
Tiffany: A brain….says….it’s….true….
Quinn: Daria’s never actually lied to me….
Sandi: Ohmigod it’s true!! (they all run to the rack where Quinn picked up her dress)
Daria: Let’s go while they’re distracted. (they all walk out of Cashman’s and head toward the takeout place)
Lister (to Cat): What did you say to them, anyway?
The Cat: I gave them the fashion forecast for the next 5 years.
Kryten: But you’re from 3 million years in the future. How could you know that?
The Cat: I don’t.
(Trent, Jane, and Daria exchange glances, smirks, and Mona Lisa smiles)
(We see Daria, Trent, Jane, The Cat, Kryten, and Lister come out of Apu’s. Lister, the Cat, and Kryten are laden down with those white takeout boxes.)
Lister: Where the smeg is Rimmer? We need to leave!
(Just then, Rimmer and Upchuck appear as if conjured---bet you didn’t see that coming—and approach Daria and Jane).
Rimmer (to Upchuck): Just like we practiced…
(Upchuck stands in front of Daria, Rimmer in front of Jane)
Rimmer and Upchuck in unison: You’ve got something in your eye…(and each fixes his chosen lady with the mesma-stare (12). Daria and Jane’s eyes glaze over a little, but then they shake it off and simultaneously kick Rimmer and Upchuck in their groins)
Rimmer and Upchuck: AAAHH!!!
Upchuck (through the pain): Ff..feisty!
(Trent’s oblivious, but he’s not that oblivious.)
Trent: Janey’s half your age, man!!! ( he starts beating the crap out of Rimmer. Lister and The Cat start laughing really hard. Daria and Jane smirk. Upchuck lies on the ground, cluching his groin and moaning with pain).
Jane: Let’s do the math, shall we? (13)
Daria: These weird guys show up in your room, hijack us and your brother, and make us take them to the mall.
Jane and Daria: Minus.
Jane: But, one of those guys messed with the minds of your sister and her friends.
J and D: Plus
Daria: One of them tried to teach Upchuck how to pick up chicks….
Jane: ….but failed, miserably.
D and J: Plus
Jane: And Upchuck is now in extreme pain, and Trent is beating up on the guy who tried to hit on me.
D and J: Big plus.
~fin~ Screen goes to black, and the Red Dwarf theme plays during the credits.
Makeovers, Star Trek DS9 themed.
Trent as Bashir
Daria as Dax (14)
Jane as Major Kira
Jesse as Odo
Upchuck and Sandi as Zek and Ishka
Stacy and Ted as Leeta and Rom
General Notes: Red Dwarf is British comedy, but I’m not good enough to write the way they talk, so just pretend you hear British accents. A vindaloo is an Indian dish that contains curry and some kind of meat…I’m not sure what else is in it, but Lister loves it.
1. semi-made up word used by my circle of friends. Means to corrupt. I love this word and try to use it every chance I get.
2. Tiny cameo for my social aggregate. Long live The Group!!!
3.I tried, I really tried to paraphrase this, but I couldn’t. Nothing I wrote got the point across as well. So I just “borrowed” the whole thing as is from the Red Dwarf Episode Guide Webpage.
4. In the Red Dwarf episode “Tikka to Ride”, Lister and Co. went back in time and Lister accidentally prevented JFK’s assassination, and then had to fix it, thereby creating the “conspiracy theory.”
5. From my ‘fic “Not Quite Beyond the Goblin City.”
6. I’m doing two things here. I’m assuming introductions were carried out between scenes (so I didn’t have to write them) and I’m overplaying Trent’s obliviousness so that I don’t have to write a clever explanation for Jane to use. I’m lazy. Deal with it. I’m so lazy, in fact, that I’m going to assume everyone in Lawndale is so jaded that they don’t notice or care about Kryten’s appearance (he’s very boxy-looking, so to speak).
7. From Red Dwarf episode Psirens. I couldn’t resist.
8.Any resemblance between these characters and the author and her best friend is strictly coincidental.
9. Any resemblance between this scene and what could happen between the author and her best friend if there’s only one copy of Obsidian Butterfly to be had is also strictly coincidental.
10.Apu as in Apu Nyhassapeemapetalon, everyone’s favorite Quickie Mart clerk from The Simpsons.
11. Now, who can tell me what episode of ST: TNG this is from and who says it? ;)
12. Rimmer’s pickup technique from the episode “Parallel Universe.”
13. Guess where I got this scene from?
14. Notice I didn’t say which Dax. (BTW, anyone who gets the joke probably knows as much or more about Star Trek as I do, so feel free email me at email@example.com. It’s been a while since I’ve had someone to talk “shop” with, so to speak).